Ouch!

Dildo Pogo Stick

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Thanks to my friend Metis at Tantus* for reminding me of this fantastic waste of material!

I saw this at a trade show years ago and the item scared me at the time (they had very aggressive trade-show sales folk and really… it looks kinda scary, right?), but I forgot about it until Metis sent me a link to the one of the few places you can still see it. (It has been discontinued so it may be impossible to find it for sale. Try not to cry.)

Once called the Jack Hammer Johnson, this now seems to be going by the name Fantasy Glide. I did some looking around and this item did get a few good reviews from users, so maybe there is something I am missing (like the desire to have an ugly cheap dildo rammed into me in a pogo-stick like manner), but overall it seems like way too much equipment for what it is.

And as I may have mentioned before (or not, I can’t remember), most of the women I talk to are not looking for a sex toy that replicates constant, hard ramming. Of course, there are exceptions to this and many women like a good hard fuck, but when it comes to solo play time, my 10 years of experience working with sex toys tells me that this is something a was invented by someone who does not have a vagina. In fact, I’d be willing to bet $5 that the person who actually came up with this idea does not have the physiology to use it.**

Also… seriously, where are you gonna store a thing like this?

*Tantus is one of the few companies that makes NO screwy toys. They only make yummy, safe silicone toys and we sell many of them in my shop and on our site.

**OF course I think male-bodied people can make great toys for female parts and female-bodied folks can invent great toys for penises, but sometimes I think you can just look at toy and know that the person who came up with design never tried it on their bits. And yes, you could use this in your ass and everyone has one of those, but the marketing and such makes this clear that it was designed for vaginal use.

My nads hurt just writing about this

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This device came out maybe five or so years ago and is an attachment for your vacuum that you use to… wait for it… stimulate your clitoris. Yes indeed! Just pop this hard plastic tube on the end of your household appliance that suctions up dirt and grime and suction up your clit for fun!

And I’ll be honest –  is late and I’m alone right now with the vacuum cleaner sitting not four feet from me and as I grabbed this toy to write about it I thought.. “hmmmm maybe I should give it a whirl…” then I remembered two things:

#1- turning on the vacuum at 12am would wake up the rest of my sleeping household

# 2-  I did not want this thing anywhere near my goodies.

 I  think we can all agree that for many people suction on their whatnots can feel great. It also can increase blood flow to the area, make it more sensitive, so I get the idea behind this “toy” – to a point. But do you really want to:

#1- Drag out the whole fricking vacuum when it is time to masturbate or get intimate with your partner?

#2- Then attach a hard plastic tube to your goodtime mary? Especially one that has less-than-super-smooth edges and is called “The Introducer?” (The advanced one is is called “The Seducer.”)

You don’t? Hm. Go figure.

Wait you DO want one? Then please.. go right ahead and buy one RIGHT NOW for only $59.95 plus $10 shipping. Do it… I dare you. (Seriously, get one and tell me if you like it!)

It is called Vortex Vibrations and while in the name of “science” I have tried all kinds of sketchy things, still, I am very wary of this doohickey. The website (which honestly, I am amazed is still active) has a lot of warnings including “A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.” (Um… do you know the wattage of your vac?) and seems a little anti-vibrator for my taste (“Unlike a vibrator or a massager which can cause irritation”), so I am taking a pass on giving this a run-though.

But all that said, I do honestly get the idea behind the Vortex, I just think the fact that it ATTACHES TO YOUR VACUUM is nuts. And stupid. And a little gross.

Gerbil Vibe. I am not kidding

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Do you remember that old rumor about the Gerbil in Richard Gere’s ass? Well, apparently California Exotic Novelties thought Gerbilling was going to catch on or something ’cause they started making this vibrator that looks like a Gerbil years ago. I remember it from when I first opened Early to Bed and have talked about it many times over the years when speaking about crazy sex toy design. Who the hell wants a Gerbil in their butt (or snatch)? Why make a toy that looks like gerbil at all? When you put it on a flexible stick like this you are just inviting it to be shoved in an ass and I just cannot get the notion of what a real Gerbil would feel… I can’t even finish that sentence. ew.

Anyway, imagine my surprise and JOY when a few weeks ago I noticed that it was STILL in production! I knew I had to get one for my collection before they disappeared forever and people started to doubt my tale of the Gerbilling sex toy.

So here it is… the Gerbil Flex Stimulator™ (note the trademark – don’t go making your own Gerbil vibe). Enjoy!

And if you want something a little less creepy to put in your butt… may I suggest you look here.