Unmanagable

Dildo Pogo Stick

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Thanks to my friend Metis at Tantus* for reminding me of this fantastic waste of material!

I saw this at a trade show years ago and the item scared me at the time (they had very aggressive trade-show sales folk and really… it looks kinda scary, right?), but I forgot about it until Metis sent me a link to the one of the few places you can still see it. (It has been discontinued so it may be impossible to find it for sale. Try not to cry.)

Once called the Jack Hammer Johnson, this now seems to be going by the name Fantasy Glide. I did some looking around and this item did get a few good reviews from users, so maybe there is something I am missing (like the desire to have an ugly cheap dildo rammed into me in a pogo-stick like manner), but overall it seems like way too much equipment for what it is.

And as I may have mentioned before (or not, I can’t remember), most of the women I talk to are not looking for a sex toy that replicates constant, hard ramming. Of course, there are exceptions to this and many women like a good hard fuck, but when it comes to solo play time, my 10 years of experience working with sex toys tells me that this is something a was invented by someone who does not have a vagina. In fact, I’d be willing to bet $5 that the person who actually came up with this idea does not have the physiology to use it.**

Also… seriously, where are you gonna store a thing like this?

*Tantus is one of the few companies that makes NO screwy toys. They only make yummy, safe silicone toys and we sell many of them in my shop and on our site.

**OF course I think male-bodied people can make great toys for female parts and female-bodied folks can invent great toys for penises, but sometimes I think you can just look at toy and know that the person who came up with design never tried it on their bits. And yes, you could use this in your ass and everyone has one of those, but the marketing and such makes this clear that it was designed for vaginal use.

My nads hurt just writing about this

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This device came out maybe five or so years ago and is an attachment for your vacuum that you use to… wait for it… stimulate your clitoris. Yes indeed! Just pop this hard plastic tube on the end of your household appliance that suctions up dirt and grime and suction up your clit for fun!

And I’ll be honest –  is late and I’m alone right now with the vacuum cleaner sitting not four feet from me and as I grabbed this toy to write about it I thought.. “hmmmm maybe I should give it a whirl…” then I remembered two things:

#1- turning on the vacuum at 12am would wake up the rest of my sleeping household

# 2-  I did not want this thing anywhere near my goodies.

 I  think we can all agree that for many people suction on their whatnots can feel great. It also can increase blood flow to the area, make it more sensitive, so I get the idea behind this “toy” – to a point. But do you really want to:

#1- Drag out the whole fricking vacuum when it is time to masturbate or get intimate with your partner?

#2- Then attach a hard plastic tube to your goodtime mary? Especially one that has less-than-super-smooth edges and is called “The Introducer?” (The advanced one is is called “The Seducer.”)

You don’t? Hm. Go figure.

Wait you DO want one? Then please.. go right ahead and buy one RIGHT NOW for only $59.95 plus $10 shipping. Do it… I dare you. (Seriously, get one and tell me if you like it!)

It is called Vortex Vibrations and while in the name of “science” I have tried all kinds of sketchy things, still, I am very wary of this doohickey. The website (which honestly, I am amazed is still active) has a lot of warnings including “A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.” (Um… do you know the wattage of your vac?) and seems a little anti-vibrator for my taste (“Unlike a vibrator or a massager which can cause irritation”), so I am taking a pass on giving this a run-though.

But all that said, I do honestly get the idea behind the Vortex, I just think the fact that it ATTACHES TO YOUR VACUUM is nuts. And stupid. And a little gross.

Zoe.. Your High Priced Call Girl in a Box

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Zoe comes to us from Topco, maker of many nice, usable sex toys.. but this male masturbation item is in a class all by itself.

Weighing in at 2.5 pounds, Zoe is really beautifully detailed and comes complete with all kinda of stats. She is a lady of the evening, you see, so before you stick your dick in her tiny tiny pussy, you should know this floppy cyberkin sculpture speaks Dutch, English, French, Italian & German, likes Vodka tonics with lemon (please be sure she gets one) and is $350 (I assume USD) per hour.

As office art, I LOVE her. She is so relaxed, has great breasts and even a little bit of realistic fat rolls. But as a fuckable piece of plastic, I think this toy misses some marks. Is is hard enough to pick it up and hold it to photograph it, I can’t imagine keeping my grip on it while fucking it. And the “love hole” is just comically small.

But it looks like a lot of thought and design went into it, so you can’t knock that aspect. And there are others in the series so if you tire of Zoe’s taste for Japanese food or social smoking, you can always get another model.

Circa 2011

Mia Isabella’s Big Secrect Collection

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Oh gosh, I have so much to say about this toy. But first, in case the picture is not worth 1000 words let me tell you more about it.

This is from a line of trans porn star Mia Isabella’s toys and yes, it is a masturbation sleeve that is shaped like a penis with a little butt on the back where the balls would be. It’s proper name is “Fuck My Cock!” In general I am a huge fan of sex toys that smoosh a person’s body down to the most important elements (in this case butt and penis) as I think it makes for some of the weirdest toys out there, and this one does not disappoint!

It is quite a hefty piece of cyberskin penis that I think would be quite unwieldy to actually use (it carries all its weight in the back and is super floppy) and with such a small hole and no other opening, this thing is going to be hard as hell to clean. Yikes.

So from a purely design standpoint, this fails in the general usability and plain old weird-ass design departments.

But it is the concept and marketing of this line which really got me thinking/confused/mad.

On the good side, I think it is awesome to see a trans performer branded line of toys. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a trans woman porn star has had her parts made into a sex toy, but it is the most big deal I have seen made about it (even got a whole glossy booklet about it). But instead of making this some trans-positive line, this company is marketing this more as fetish item, which could maybe possibly be ok, but as I was looking at the line I saw this text describing another item:

From the manufacturer’s website describing:

Mia Isabella Collection: Create Your Own Tranny Strap-On Kit

“Shhhh‚…Your SECRET is Safe With ME! Have you ever fantasized what it would be like getting fucked by a real tranny? How great would it feel to suck a big thick tranny cock, then bend over and let your tight little ass get penetrated by shecock ? With this Create Your Own Tranny kit, you and your partner can live out your most perverted TS fantasies. Strap on the Tranny shecock, slide on the sexy fishnet stockings, put on the sexy lipstick, and get ready for a wild ride! The comfortable strap-on stays in place while the action heats up, and the leather straps easily adjusts to fit most sizes.”

Before I go any further, let me say this: I do not speak for trans women. I speak about this as an ally of trans people and as someone who deeply cares about how all women are portrayed. And I want to add that I do believe it is ok for someone to have a “thing” for trans women as much as I think it is fine to have a “thing” about small boobs, red hair, men over 6″ feet tall or in my case, sociologists & women who ride bikes.

But what bothers me as that while they are “celebrating” their first line of products modeled after a trans woman, they have set it up as a “perversion” in order to sell it to a mainstream audience. And yes, not all the copy from all the products in this line are this extreme, but this company has pissed me off before for having what I view as grossly misogynistic toy descriptions (if you are interested, you can read about that here) not to mention some blatantly misleading packaging (“Made of Silicone” when it is not in fact, made of silicone), so I am not inclined to be very forgiving with them.

So I wonder, is this line of sex toys modeled after (and from) a trans woman progress? Certainly one doesn’t have to advertise this in their store or on their site in the manner the maker lays out. If it were Early to Bed, I’d be able to spin it positively, leave the box out of the picture and actually be ok about it (well not this exact toy). But I know I cannot support a company that posts such really extreme garbage on their website (which many vendors do copy verbatim).

*sigh*

So what do you think? Is Mia Isabella’s Big Secret Collection progress? I’m still conflicted and I’d love to hear some other people’s point of view.