Zoe.. Your High Priced Call Girl in a Box

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Zoe comes to us from Topco, maker of many nice, usable sex toys.. but this male masturbation item is in a class all by itself.

Weighing in at 2.5 pounds, Zoe is really beautifully detailed and comes complete with all kinda of stats. She is a lady of the evening, you see, so before you stick your dick in her tiny tiny pussy, you should know this floppy cyberkin sculpture speaks Dutch, English, French, Italian & German, likes Vodka tonics with lemon (please be sure she gets one) and is $350 (I assume USD) per hour.

As office art, I LOVE her. She is so relaxed, has great breasts and even a little bit of realistic fat rolls. But as a fuckable piece of plastic, I think this toy misses some marks. Is is hard enough to pick it up and hold it to photograph it, I can’t imagine keeping my grip on it while fucking it. And the “love hole” is just comically small.

But it looks like a lot of thought and design went into it, so you can’t knock that aspect. And there are others in the series so if you tire of Zoe’s taste for Japanese food or social smoking, you can always get another model.

Circa 2011

Mia Isabella’s Big Secrect Collection

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Oh gosh, I have so much to say about this toy. But first, in case the picture is not worth 1000 words let me tell you more about it.

This is from a line of trans porn star Mia Isabella’s toys and yes, it is a masturbation sleeve that is shaped like a penis with a little butt on the back where the balls would be. It’s proper name is “Fuck My Cock!” In general I am a huge fan of sex toys that smoosh a person’s body down to the most important elements (in this case butt and penis) as I think it makes for some of the weirdest toys out there, and this one does not disappoint!

It is quite a hefty piece of cyberskin penis that I think would be quite unwieldy to actually use (it carries all its weight in the back and is super floppy) and with such a small hole and no other opening, this thing is going to be hard as hell to clean. Yikes.

So from a purely design standpoint, this fails in the general usability and plain old weird-ass design departments.

But it is the concept and marketing of this line which really got me thinking/confused/mad.

On the good side, I think it is awesome to see a trans performer branded line of toys. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a trans woman porn star has had her parts made into a sex toy, but it is the most big deal I have seen made about it (even got a whole glossy booklet about it). But instead of making this some trans-positive line, this company is marketing this more as fetish item, which could maybe possibly be ok, but as I was looking at the line I saw this text describing another item:

From the manufacturer’s website describing:

Mia Isabella Collection: Create Your Own Tranny Strap-On Kit

“Shhhh‚…Your SECRET is Safe With ME! Have you ever fantasized what it would be like getting fucked by a real tranny? How great would it feel to suck a big thick tranny cock, then bend over and let your tight little ass get penetrated by shecock ? With this Create Your Own Tranny kit, you and your partner can live out your most perverted TS fantasies. Strap on the Tranny shecock, slide on the sexy fishnet stockings, put on the sexy lipstick, and get ready for a wild ride! The comfortable strap-on stays in place while the action heats up, and the leather straps easily adjusts to fit most sizes.”

Before I go any further, let me say this: I do not speak for trans women. I speak about this as an ally of trans people and as someone who deeply cares about how all women are portrayed. And I want to add that I do believe it is ok for someone to have a “thing” for trans women as much as I think it is fine to have a “thing” about small boobs, red hair, men over 6″ feet tall or in my case, sociologists & women who ride bikes.

But what bothers me as that while they are “celebrating” their first line of products modeled after a trans woman, they have set it up as a “perversion” in order to sell it to a mainstream audience. And yes, not all the copy from all the products in this line are this extreme, but this company has pissed me off before for having what I view as grossly misogynistic toy descriptions (if you are interested, you can read about that here) not to mention some blatantly misleading packaging (“Made of Silicone” when it is not in fact, made of silicone), so I am not inclined to be very forgiving with them.

So I wonder, is this line of sex toys modeled after (and from) a trans woman progress? Certainly one doesn’t have to advertise this in their store or on their site in the manner the maker lays out. If it were Early to Bed, I’d be able to spin it positively, leave the box out of the picture and actually be ok about it (well not this exact toy). But I know I cannot support a company that posts such really extreme garbage on their website (which many vendors do copy verbatim).

*sigh*

So what do you think? Is Mia Isabella’s Big Secret Collection progress? I’m still conflicted and I’d love to hear some other people’s point of view.

Interracial Pocket… “lover”

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After seeing Epiphora’s Post on the Interracial Double Dong I was immediately reminded of this gem sitting on the back of the shelf in my office. This Lexington Steele’s Cyberskin Interracial Stroker and I don’t even know what else to say about this but um, yeah. Crazy.

Toe Teezers Candy for Your Feet!

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These here candies have been sitting in my office for years and even though I know some day they will be what brings the mice & vermin, I just can’t toss ’em yet. Made of sugar-coated gummy candy (well it was gummy.. now it is rock-solid) this set comes with two 5-toe candy rings and two single toe rings – cause what most folks have always wanted is sticky, gummy candy between their toes. (wait, isn’t that called Toe Jam?)

Bondage Hands for Your Wiener

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Another of my favorite toys to tote with me to talks… these tiny cyberskin hands are made for guys to fuck. I think you can stick you dick in from the front or the back. I kinda like the idea of the penis poking out through the hands coming from the wrists, but I think the intention is for “her” to be taking your wiener into “her” hands from the front.

Anyway, who really cares how you use it, I just think it is on the little-bit-creepy side. The hands are freakishly small (note the adult manly lady thumb in the top left picture for scale) and for some reason the bondage rope that is the same color as the skin weirds me out. Then again, this whole object kinda weirds me out.

Prince Willy Yum

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So as a general rule I think making sex toys of celebrities without their permission is actually kinda of shady. I totally get that Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and other celebs are putting themselves out there as people hungry for any fame they can get, but I do thinking that making money off of a fuckable likeness of someone without asking and without cutting them in on the profits is not so cool.

So when I saw this Prince Willy Yum I had a moment of “Should I or shouldn’t I?”. Then I realized that while it had a cartoonish representation of the future king of England on the box, the toy inside had NOTHING to do with an actual likeness of William (except that he probably has a penis) which somehow let me justify getting this for my collection. And yes, I do feel a little dirty for doing so, as I am 99% sure that the Prince of Wales did not approve this nor is he getting a cut of the dough.

But I must say, I kinda love this.  While it fails as a usable a dildo for many reasons (it smells super duper toxic, has no base for using with a harness…) it is pretty fricken funny and I adore the crown (a cockring perhaps?)! The box copy is predictably silly and full of crass jokes (“Enjoy the willie that prim & proper K.T. gets pounded with”..”Experience the shag of a lifetime from the little prince who’s all grown up and ready to rule the MOANarchy”) but as far as mementos from the upcoming nuptials go, this is gotta be one of the best.

So yes, Price Willy Yum has me feeling a little guilty, but I also envision that he’ll have very special place in my collection for many years to come (until at least it disintegrates in to a puddle of goo).

Circa April 2011

A Wizard for Your Snatch…

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Here is something for my fantasy-loving peeps! A long ago discontinued vibe from the folks who made the well-love and also-discontinued O’my lube, this here Wizard is just waiting for a trip up your whoo-ha.

Sure, I get that there are lots of folks out there who love a good role-playing games, witches, wizards and the like, but I really wonder how many people want a full-on old man with a pointy hat for a sex toy. Oh wait, I guess NOT MANY as this toy did not last long in production.

And I’d like to add that that nose isn’t going to do anyone’s clit any good and only serves to make this toy stupid in addition to being weird.