Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys

I sat on this so you don’t have to.

Posted on March 7, 2016 Updated on March 7, 2016

When I bought  the Ruby Glow I really was not sure if I was going to love or hate it… But guess what. I hate it.

I should have known when I saw the box proclaiming “Pleasure for the seated lady” that this wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. I like the concept of a vibe you can sit on. It is a cool idea for porn surfers, online erotica readers or even folks who just for whatever reason like or need to be sitting while jacking off. A toy that doesn’t require your hands is also a plus for folks with limited hand use. People have tried the sit-on vibe thing before and it kinda sucked (remember the Cone?) , but I was hopeful about this, I really was!

But Ruby, well she did not make me glow.

First off, this is supposed to be something you can use with your clothes on. So I tried it with jeans. No only did not I not feel much, but the seam on my jeans hurt. So I tried it with Yoga pants (that I wear but never go to yoga in) and still, not enough umph to make it fun through my clothes. So I ditched my pants and still, the vibrations were too weak to get me off. I even had to bring in a pinch hitter to do the job in the end.

So the vibrations are super blah. Sure there are two motors and lots of patterns, but if I can’t get where I want to with both on high, then we know we have a problem.

And then there is the design. They make a big deal about this sitting “snugly in place anchored by your pubic bone” but I did not ever get the feeling that this was in the right place and it hurt to sit on. It hurt on a soft chair and it hurt on a hard chair. Maybe it is my body shape… Perhaps a tiny person would have better luck… I dunno. I even had a guy friend sit on it for me and while there was a bit of a “oooh this feels interesting”, I never got the feeling he wanted us to leave the room so he could take that feeling further.

This is coated in silicone which is nice and it is $60 which isn’t outrageous, but it is battery operated. And while I really like the concept, it just falls sadly so short on being actually fun and not-painful to use.

But it is heavy so maybe I can use it as a door stop.