waste of valuable plastic resources

I said no!

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While not offensive, racist or sexist, this ring-pop vibe still makes me mad. Mad enough to BUY ONE.

This silly toy has a single speed that is a joke and the material is listed on the package as “body safe” with absolutely no other information provided about the material. Most offensively, the ring part is so huge it flops around awkwardly on my larger-than-average hands meaning I cannot even wear this out as cheeky jewelry! *

“But it’s a fun party gift!” you say. Sure, but because it is such a viciously bad vibe, it is the kind of thing that will most likely never be used, wasting the plastic and creating just more garbage for the landfill, except you are not supposed to throw these away because they have teeny tiny motors so please break it down and recycle all the pieces, thanks.

Or maybe even worse, someone will try this as their first sex toy, find out how much it SUCKS and give up on sex toys forever, assuming that this is all there is. (I just made myself cry a little.)

With a retail cost of about $18, there are much better things you can get a bride-to-be, birthday gal or celebrating femme!

Heck for that kind of coin you cold give them a Miss Bliss,  three rolls of Bondage Tape or even a butt plug that says “Be Mine“.  Yes, these too will eventually be plastic in our landfill, but I least they will get their jollies off before they trash it!


*Ok fine,  this is really supposed to be a ring for a penis, where it will probably fit way more snuggly than my finger, but still… I’m mad.

“Bright” Idea

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I should start by disclosing the fact that some staffers our shop actually liked this life-sized lightbulb-shaped toy when it showed up… until I told them the MSRP is $60, which a lot for a weird-ass vibrating lightbulb.

I mean in some ways this has a lot of what we look for in a toy; 100% silicone, rechargeable and a unique design. However, not all unique designs are good designs (see Klittra, Eiffel Tower Dildo and The Cone, among others).  I mean, in all my years of running a sex shop and hearing about all the very specific things people want in a sex toy, I have NEVER EVER heard anyone say “I wish it looked like a Lightbulb”. A LIGHTBULB!

The only time I have heard of lightbulb and “sex” together is tales of people trying to stick/sticking lightbulbs in their ass (hint: DON’T) and believe me if you get this puppy in your butt, you are not getting it out again on your own.

Also it smells like bubble gum and it DOESN’T EVEN LIGHT UP! I mean at the very least if you are going to make a lightbulb-shaped sex toy, make it fucking light up!

In conclusion, I love having this $60 vibrating paperweight on my desk but I think it is a dumb-ass sex toy.

Klittra

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I was rather upset to learn that recently that not only did I miss the whole establishment of the word Klittra to describe female masturbation (in Sweden) but apparently using an old roll-on deodorant container on your whatnots is and/or was a thing. Somewhere it is so much of a thing that a Swedish company started making a vibrating roll-on , called the Klittra, specifically for you to roll around on your outer bits. So naturally I had to send off to Sweden for one.

So I’d like to start by criticizing the lackluster packaging. It is just boring. A plain white cardboard box and mine had a piece of tape on it that was so old it was yellow and not sealed (in truth the vibe itself had a slight yellowing so I suspect that I got a real old one). But whatever, like most sex toys, it is what is inside the box that counts!

And what is inside is basically a roll-on applicator that is mostly hollow and has a vibrator integrated into the bottom half. It comes with some god-awful water-based lube made of mostly glycerin (my downtown is still burning from it) but you can use any lube you want, although Silicone and Oil would be way hard to clean out.  This is made of ABS plastic so it is non-porous and easy to clean, but if you clean it every time you use it, which you should always do, you are going to be wasting a lot of lube! If you put enough lube inside to make it be rolly-slidey you will for sure have a bunch left over and ya gotta ditch that because you do not want to re-introduce your cooch bacteria back onto your body after it has festered in the Klittra for a while. So that is annoying.

You know what is even more annoying? You are not supposed to put this near HAIR because it can get caught in the rolling ball. And yes, it can.

Also, and this is the most crucial aspect of this toy, the vibrations SUCKED. They do not travel through the large and empty top half well at all. Maybe for folks who find the rolling of a ball over their labia, balls or whatever fun, the vibrations won’t matter, but in that case you don’t need a $65 doohickey in the first place! I was also thinking that if the ball was smaller, not size of real roll-on deodorant, that it could maneuver more around delicate parts creating more of a sensation. With the size this is, you don’t (I don’t) have much space to actually get the ball rolling.

So to sum up:

  • My arm still hurts because I had use so much force to make this feel good
  • My snatch still burns from the included lube
  • I am dreading cleaning this and wasting all that lube I hate
  • If you like a roll-on on your fancy parts, then maybe try the classic roll-on trick (see below)
  • Or try a vibe with a round head and a lot of lube, I swear you it will not feel much different and your orgasm might require a lot less effort

 


This tip is taken from the always-reliable yahoo answers. Note please do NOT use “oil”, we suggest water-based lube so you can clean it:

Another thing, take an empty roll on deodorant & wash it out real good. Then (this works well while in the bath tub) you can put a dab of oil on the roller head & massage your clit with it. What feels best for me is a slow up & down motion, start around the vaginal opening & roll up to the hood of the clit, press harder & roll back down. Then try some slow lazy loops around it, like you’re drawing an 8. Pretty soon you’ll want to go faster & harder until you explode! I’m telling you this feels amazing, almost like you’re getting licked by someone!! 
Have fun!!!!!!


Dildo hanky in the pictures by New York Toy Collective


Also I’d like to add that their tag line is For every girl in the world and I can’t even with that… and it was a sad failure on Kickstarter.   : (

SLT PSA

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Sometimes something comes out that just makes my body physically recoil… and this is one of those times.

This Butt Plug is part of a line of Self Lubrications toys (STL- Self Lubricating Technology) and it is oooging me out.

With its new Self Lubrication Technology (SLT), this buttplug is always ready. Penetration has never been so smooth and easy. No lubricant is needed. Just add a little water or saliva on the inside. After use just wash, preferably with toy-cleaner. The SLT will last for about 30 times. After that, the toy can be used by adding some lube manually.

So to break it down, this is porous TPE device that you stick in your ass after you water it up to get the lube going. Then you take it out, wash it, dry it and start all over again. Up to 30 times! Ok maybe that sounds great but there is NO indication of what the “lube” is made of* and this is a porous toy to begin with which is not a good idea for your butt (think of all that bacteria harboring in there). And really if you have to go run it under water to get it wet enough to shove in a butt, isn’t it actually easier to put lube on it? Sure, it says you can use spit to activate it but come on, how much spit does anyone actually have? You’ll need a lot to get this puppy slick…

“But think of all the money you’ll save on lube!” you say. Pish posh.. this retails for like $40 and if you want a crappy porous TPE butt plug you can get on for a fraction of that price (but DON’T! Instead go get a silicone one for way less and a bottle of water-based lube and you will be much better off).

Now I’ll be honest, the SLT toys that are made for one to stick their dick into do not wig me out as much, the porous status is less disconcerting when you are not putting the toy actually IN your body. And yeah, I can see keeping masturbation sleeve in the shower that only needs water to become slick kind of a good idea. But for the LOVE OF DILDOS please avoid putting anything in your butt (or vag) that is porous and that has something made of GOD KNOWS WHAT embedded in it that makes it slick.


*Seriously I have a REAL problem with this part. I am sure they do not list what this is made of to protect this “innovative” product but if you are putting this in your body, you should really be allowed access to the knowledge of what it actually made of!

Spork It

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There are times when I just can’t tell if a product is meant to be a joke or not. Take this Spork here:

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It is supposed to be a sexy “multi-tool” but really there is just so much I hate about it. First of all… SPORK?? No, not sexy. Then the design.. I mean I get wanting to make a versatile toy and I appreciate the effort. But the vibe is so buzzy and the silicone so floppy I cannot fathom anyone finding this pleasurable. I mean, I do not have any testicles so maybe cupping them with a “spoon” that buzzes like a sick bee is fun, but that same spoon that is supposed to cradle my clit was just a sad, sad joke of a sensation.

Well maybe this is just one of those toys that bachelorettes are supposed to buy for someone as a funny thing to get lost at a bar after 22 tequila shots, in which case yay! Wasted resources!

CrescenDON’T

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OK, I have been holding my tongue on the Crescendo vibe for long enough. I backed this puppy when it was being crowd-funded cause I thought it looked cool. It took like 10 months to get it but you know…I have plenty of toys so no big whoop. But because it took so long to come (ha!) I expected it to be awesome. It is not and it has sat on my desk for months. I have not been motivated to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I was talking to a reporter for a college newspaper about tech and sex toys and I started getting all riled up about how everyone is so jazzed about sex toys and tech but how fucking pointless some of this tech is. Just adding some tech thingy to sex toy does not necessarily make it better sex toy. Often it just makes it more expensive and stupider and harder for folks to use.

SO yeah anyway before I go on and on about that, let’s get back to the Crescendo.. it is a dud people. It is fucking smelly* and it is a different color than when I got it in april**. If this is made of 100% silicone, I’m made of motherfucking jellybeans****. Plus the “silicone” sheath on it doesn’t seem to fit right and the buttons are whack-ass.cds

Ok sure, yes, it bends. That is nice. But since it is flat, it will not make a super comfy “innie” vibe. And all these wonderful 6 motors. Eh. They are ok. But not 6 times better than one motor. It is overkill if you ask me. The app is fine. It worked to control the vibe but that is all it is, a controller, it doesn’t offer connectivity to a lover far away or anything actually cool like that (at least that I could tell).

Oh and hey, check out the sound this makes:

Sexy right? Sexy like an alarm clock….

Also, I could not turn it off! I had to put it back in its charging cradle to make it stop vibrating. Please trust me when I say that I know how to turn a fucking vibe off. It is unacceptable for it to either be so hard to turn off that I can’t manage it or just not turn off because it is poorly made.

But the box it came in is nice. If you like spending lots of money on pretty boxes, this may be worth it. But otherwise, hit me up and I’ll sell you a vibe for 1/2 the price that is like 100000 better than this high-tech smelly stick.

SO maybe I got some crappy prototype by mistake and the $199 ones you can buy online are amazing***. But what sits in front of me right now smelling up my office is not worth the price I just paid for a bagel and to have this passed off as some innovative technology wonder of the new era of sex toys is just sad. And rage-inducing. ARGGGGG. I’m rageful!

xooxox


*Note I just walked outside my office for like 30 seconds and when I came back in was I overwhelmed with the smell of this thing just sitting on my floor charging.

** I SWEAR it was blue when I got it and now it is green.

*** That’d be great. I’d be thrilled to know that no one is spending hard earned money on this version!

****Well this kinda passed the flame test but I am still not buying this 100% silicone claim due to the smell and the fact that it changed color!

Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and the box lies all over the place:

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• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?

 

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.