Tasty?
Foot Long Loser
Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?
As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.
So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.
Oh and the box lies all over the place:
• It is not a foot long
• It is not discreet at fucking all
• There is no way in hell it is silicone
• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.
And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?
HAPPY HUMP DAY!
*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.
Tuna Vibe!
When I think SEX I rarely think FISH! But when I saw this adorable Tuna Sushi-looking mini vibe, well I just had to have it (and I ordered an extra one to give away. See below)!
Fresh from Japan, this little buzzing fake food item combines three things I love: fake food, vibrators and sushi. Unfortunately, the vibrations are a little sad and the thought of cleaning out all those rice grains is daunting, but even if I never actually use it, I *heart* my new Sushi Vibe and plan to take her everywhere. And as soon as I can find the Tamago style you know I’m gonna snap that up too!
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WANT ONE?
I’m giving one away to a lucky person!
You can enter to win on my Facebook Page
Whiskey Dick Lube… cocktail for your cooter
Let me just say that a little part of me feels guilty for even talking about a “novelty” product such as this when CLEARLY the makers are trying to make something silly. But as I sit here licking some Whiskey Dick whiskey flavored lube off my arm I find I just cannot think of it a “just” a novelty because people WILL use it as lube.
So overall, its fine. It tastes pretty whiskey-ish for a lube. I would not kick that flavor out of bed. And it even stays pretty slippery. But, (and this is a big BUT let me tell you)… NOWHERE on the packaging or bottle does it list ingredients! This I find inexcusable. If you make something that is (joking or not), intended to go inside someone you need to let people know what is in it! There is no way in hell I’d put this sweet, boozy tasting stuff anywhere near my snatch without an ingredient list. Nor should you.
But hell, if you are a risk taker and want some cocktail-flavored sex, don’t let me stop you. Get some now! (but if your bits start burning don’t come crying to me!)
Bacon! Lube!
For many years we have discussed at ETB need for some flavored lube that isn’t quite so sweet, yet we have struggled to come up with WHAT that flavor would be. Lo and behold, I thought maybe the problem was solved with the arrival of Baconlube to the world.
Made from all non-meat ingredients, this water-based lube was originally designed as a joke, but so many people actually wanted it that the company produced real, actual bacon-flavored lube, so you know I had to try it.
But I’ll be 100% honest, when it arrived today I was kinda scared to even open the bottle. Yes, I’ve been a vegetarian for like 20 years, but the couple of times a year that I slip up, it is usually to taste some crisp bacon. So while I am far from an aficionado, I am for sure a bacon-lover. But still… would bacon-flavored lube be gross?
The answer? Yes and no. It actually smells kinda nasty. Right now it is sitting here on my desk open and when I get a waft of it, it isn’t like smelling bacon cooking on the stove. Not at all. But the taste? Actually not too bad! It has a slight sweetness to it and the smokey bacony flavor one would hope for. Kind of like bacon with syrup (yum!!). I’m saying I’m having it as an afternoon snack, but I was surprised how not gross it tasted.
Truth is, I’m not gonna get around to actually testing this is sack (you are welcome GF) but it stayed slippery during my rub-on-the-back-of-my-hand test so if you are really wanting some Baconlube, you may actually find it performs ok as well (that said, glycerin is the second ingredient, so it is not super vagina-friendly).
Now.. will someone please make Whiskey-flavored lube?
Masque this.
Masque is a $4 dissolving strip that is designed to “Completely mask the taste of seman”. And I have a few things to say about it-
1- They have this picture on their website (above) to show you how to use the product. I really hope it is tongue-in-cheek and not there because they think people are so stupid that they will not know how to open a package and put a thing in their mouth. (Although it could be worse and they had to add it because people were so confused)
2- One of the ingredients listed is “Natural Taste-Masking Agents”. Um, WTF is that and do I really want that in my mouth?
3- $12 for a three-pack? REALLY? To quote my friend Garnet Joyce “Amazing what some people will charge for an every day product repackaged as a sex product”. (that said, the makers go a long way to argue that is not like any other product out there)
4- I am sure there are women out there who love to give a blowjob but don’t love the taste of seman. But did you know you can give an awesome blowjob without drinking in all that seaman?
5- I just keep thinking how I’d feel if my partner were about to go down on me and busted out a product sayong, “hang on a second honey, I have to completely mask the flavor of you because you taste disgusting”.
I mean, I get it, I do. Not everyone loves tasting every part of their partner, and I know that flavored lubes and body products can be fun and make tasting things more pleasant. But completly eliminating taste completely seems like overkill to me. I like to think the whole point of sex is sensation in all its forms -not the elimination of sensation.
But then again, I am just one angry dyke feminist who will probably go the rest of her life without having to face this challenge…
Popsicle Vibe
Doesn’t this look good enough to eat? Well don’t ’cause this is all plastic and mechanics.
I admit I adore looking at this vibe reminiscent of innocent childhood, but as a sex toy, it really isn’t much to drool over.
Made of soft plastic that smells NOTHING like a fruity treat (more like a toxic spill), this vibe has little in the way of power and a shape that might be nice for some, but just a little weird for most. Yes, you could use this for clitoral stimulation which I am sure would be fine (no, this Pop has not been taken for a spin), but the wide and flattish shape would be quite unconformable if inserted in any hoo-ha or whatnot. That said, if there were prizes for Sex Toys That Look The Most Like Food… this would win.
Man, now I really want a frozen treat. For my mouth.
(The real name of this is Waterproof Vibesicle Rainbow Rocket, in case you were wondering)
Toe Teezers Candy for Your Feet!
These here candies have been sitting in my office for years and even though I know some day they will be what brings the mice & vermin, I just can’t toss ’em yet. Made of sugar-coated gummy candy (well it was gummy.. now it is rock-solid) this set comes with two 5-toe candy rings and two single toe rings – cause what most folks have always wanted is sticky, gummy candy between their toes. (wait, isn’t that called Toe Jam?)
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 