Mouth
Deep Diver
Why oh why do they keep making these painful mouthguard/vibrator combos?
You know what feels pretty awful?* A fucking tiny hard plastic vibe rattling against your teeth. I spend a LOT of money to keep my teeth in my mouth, I so do not need a vibrator jiggling them all out for me.
And then I’m just not sure that jamming this into your partner’s bits is gonna feel so great to them. The cheap TPE is sticky, the vibe really buzzy and you are not going to able to see where you a sticking this as your face will be all up in their business.
You are SO MUCH better off with a little fingertip vibe next to your tongue or a small insertable vibe while you are down there if they want some internal action with their mouth-job.
So no, just fucking no on this type of thing please. And thank you.
* 10 freaking minutes later my teeth still hurt.
Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.
Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!
This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.
The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…
*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.
More crap to put in your mouth
What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!
This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!
“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.”
LIES! And questionable grammer!
Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).
The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question. I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.
And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!
Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 