Why? Just WHY?
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Fidget spinners are everywhere (or at least they were a year ago) and now you can have one in your butt!
There is just a LOT going on with this ya’ll… but I guess if anal sex makes you nervous then maybe this will calm you?*
I should start by disclosing the fact that some staffers our shop actually liked this life-sized lightbulb-shaped toy when it showed up… until I told them the MSRP is $60, which a lot for a weird-ass vibrating lightbulb.
I mean in some ways this has a lot of what we look for in a toy; 100% silicone, rechargeable and a unique design. However, not all unique designs are good designs (see Klittra, Eiffel Tower Dildo and The Cone, among others). I mean, in all my years of running a sex shop and hearing about all the very specific things people want in a sex toy, I have NEVER EVER heard anyone say “I wish it looked like a Lightbulb”. A LIGHTBULB!
The only time I have heard of lightbulb and “sex” together is tales of people trying to stick/sticking lightbulbs in their ass (hint: DON’T) and believe me if you get this puppy in your butt, you are not getting it out again on your own.
Also it smells like bubble gum and it DOESN’T EVEN LIGHT UP! I mean at the very least if you are going to make a lightbulb-shaped sex toy, make it fucking light up!
In conclusion, I love having this $60 vibrating paperweight on my desk but I think it is a dumb-ass sex toy.
There are times when I just can’t tell if a product is meant to be a joke or not. Take this Spork here:
It is supposed to be a sexy “multi-tool” but really there is just so much I hate about it. First of all… SPORK?? No, not sexy. Then the design.. I mean I get wanting to make a versatile toy and I appreciate the effort. But the vibe is so buzzy and the silicone so floppy I cannot fathom anyone finding this pleasurable. I mean, I do not have any testicles so maybe cupping them with a “spoon” that buzzes like a sick bee is fun, but that same spoon that is supposed to cradle my clit was just a sad, sad joke of a sensation.
Well maybe this is just one of those toys that bachelorettes are supposed to buy for someone as a funny thing to get lost at a bar after 22 tequila shots, in which case yay! Wasted resources!
I think using your hands for sex is great! Like an amazing part of sex that I think gets overlooked sometimes. But I have to admit this cock sleeve gives me some pause.
Yes, it is a penis extender shaped like a hand.
Here is a little chuckle for ya today.. I don’t have much to say about it except WHY WHY WHY???
What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!
This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!
“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.”
LIES! And questionable grammer!
Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).
The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question. I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.
And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!
Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.
This penis sleeve:
In 14 years of selling sex toys to Vagina-havers I have not had one person ask for something spikey to stick in their snatch. I just …I.. I….
Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth- NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*
Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”
Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.
Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.
So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.
*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.
** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.
So the “brilliant” folks at Pipedream came out with a new line of sex toys that are USB powered. Not charged like tons of awesome rechargeable vibes are, but powered, so you are stuck to your computer. Well, maybe that is fine because you are watching porn or skypeing with your sweetie while you jack off. But this here vibrating cockring just made me laugh. I love the idea of slipping this on your cock, plugging into your computer then trying to fuck someone while being sure to not dislodge the USB cord! Or pull the computer to the floor! And gee there is a big cord between us that keeps getting pushed into my vagina or tangled in your public hair!
Technology is great and I love when sex toys use new tech WELL, but I feel like folks are starting to just use it to use it and make their products look like Apple products.