Baggy dick

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Just WHY???

crazy penis with way too much skin
This item does not look like is it well at all….



Your anus is fine just the way it is!

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Hey folks, excellent news! You can now buy anal bleaching cream in mini to go packs at your local crappy sex shop! Apparently some companies think there is a lot fo money to be made on convincing you your anus is too ugly for words. And to sweeten the deal, you can even use this cream to lighten you nipples, scrotum or penis. Yea!

Oh I know, some people really want a lighter butt hole or scrotum to make themselves feel better about how they look or for their porn career, and done safely I hear it is not *actually* bad for you.

But really can we just put all this money and energy into promoting the idea that butts, vulvas, penises and such are JUST FINE THEY WAY THEY WERE MADE!

Jump Me Jerri

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jumpmejerriWhat is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?

Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.

And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.


Blow Job Cock Ring

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“Ready for a blow job that can get you both off?”

Um. No, I don’t think so.

I hate to tell the person who wrote that but this “lip”-shaped cocking does not look like a blow job, but more like a cocking (or fish) throwing the dick up, not sucking on it.

Miss. Big old miss on this one.


Heady Betty, Handy Mandy and Peter Reader make me want to Yelly Helly

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Silly me, I thought sex was about pleasure and sensation, maybe even intimacy and connection. And while I know it can also be about plain old F*U*N (as my aunt Ruba would say) I seamed to have missed the part where it is about COMPETITION AND “MEASURING UP”! Thank goodness I saw this crap to remind me.

These motion counters attach to either one’s head, wrist or waist and “enhance your love life” by counting your “lover’s motions, how long he or she takes/lasts, and even tracks calories burned”. ‘Cause isn’t sex better when you know how many calories you burned?

Ok fine. I’ll admit that these are  intended to be some silly bachelorette party gift or gag Over The Hill Party dodad, but intentions aside, the packaging, wording and over all existence of this thing makes me really MAD. Especially the fucking fact that they make one for ladies’ heads. Ugh.

And even as a gag gift this garbage is still promoting the idea that how long your can screw/yank/suck has a direct correlation to how “good” sex is. That notion makes me insane as it drives people to do silly things like numb their dick to last longer or numb their throat to stick a dick further down.

Plus, this is NOT the “Most exciting new sex novelty available” (as their flier claims) but one of the biggest stupid wastes of plastic and natural resources I have seen in DAYS.

Really bored at work? Watch their ridiculous video here.

I hate them.

-end rant-

A long post about penises

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Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders  and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of  “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.

It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.

The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else  (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).

What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of  flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise),  straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?

And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.

And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE  LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.

Thank you.

* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.

** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.

I just can’t even think of what to say about this…

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… so I’ll just tell you the details:

• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs

• With a vulva three times the size below it

• It is called FUKPUSSY

• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.

• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”

• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.

So much to love/hate!

Fake Hymen

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Yes, I did say Fake Hymen. Sadly I do not have one on these in my physical possession, but the product is so um, interesting, it certainly needs mentioning.

I have to say, I do appreciate the elegant packaging, but not only is the product sketchy from a plain old what-the-hell-is-this-even-made-of standpoint, but also from them whole faking-a-non-reliable-sign-of-virginity standpoint. Doesn’t everyone know by now that an intact Hymen is not a sign of a virgin and a lack of one is not a sign of a someone who isn’t. And the product itself has some funny wording.. “This product is for external and adult use only, do not swallow it.” Good to know that not only is this product (that is designed to be inserted into a vagina) only safe for the OUTSIDE of one’s body, but that you should not eat it. Um, well then I would like to know what the hell this made of! I also think a pretty funny selling point is “Do you like to spice up your sex life?”

But on a more serious note, I was talking about this last night and someone did say to me, “But that item could save a woman’s life” and I do understand that even being perceived as a non-virgin in some cultures is dangerous business. So don’t get me wrong, if someone needs this to prove something to protect herself, by all means, get one NOW. But overall it just breaks my heart that so many people are still clinging to the notion that unless a women bleeds after the first time she has intercourse, she is not a virgin… or that a woman’s virginity is such a precious commodity that people have go out of their way to fake it.