Looks like something it is not

“Bright” Idea

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I should start by disclosing the fact that some staffers our shop actually liked this life-sized lightbulb-shaped toy when it showed up… until I told them the MSRP is $60, which a lot for a weird-ass vibrating lightbulb.

I mean in some ways this has a lot of what we look for in a toy; 100% silicone, rechargeable and a unique design. However, not all unique designs are good designs (see Klittra, Eiffel Tower Dildo and The Cone, among others).  I mean, in all my years of running a sex shop and hearing about all the very specific things people want in a sex toy, I have NEVER EVER heard anyone say “I wish it looked like a Lightbulb”. A LIGHTBULB!

The only time I have heard of lightbulb and “sex” together is tales of people trying to stick/sticking lightbulbs in their ass (hint: DON’T) and believe me if you get this puppy in your butt, you are not getting it out again on your own.

Also it smells like bubble gum and it DOESN’T EVEN LIGHT UP! I mean at the very least if you are going to make a lightbulb-shaped sex toy, make it fucking light up!

In conclusion, I love having this $60 vibrating paperweight on my desk but I think it is a dumb-ass sex toy.

Giant Lollipop

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OMG THIS LOLLIPOP! The packaging is incredibly spot on! I was thrilled when it showed up because as much as I hate stupid sex toys, I do love sugar and everything that looks like sugar. And Tokyo Design hit it our of the park with this usable, adorable Macaroon so I had high hopes..

But sadly once you take the wrapper off it is just a big,  poorly balanced, super buzzy, awkward to use vibe. It is battery operated and has a $60ish retail price so I just cannot in good conscious add this to Early to Bed’s collection. But I *can* keep it on my desk to remind me to get my daily sugar intake!

Look, it is almost as big as my head!!!!


Eat Candy!



Oh Poor Teddy Bear!

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Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head.  And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!

First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it.  LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??

Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store.  There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase.  LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)

Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?

Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)

Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.


But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.

(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )

UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.

F’ing Football!

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fucking football

Hey football & lady lovers this one is for you – A football you can fuck! That is right, just like you always dreamed, you can now sink your manmeat into a pussy or ass nestled inside a replica pigskin!

I particularly love the the way the company suggests using it : “This discreet play toy enables you to pass it around at any party until you are ready to “get wild”*…then both ends screw off to reveal an anus on one side (for the more adventurous**) and a vagina on the other.”

So yes, if football gets you hard or you always dream of balls full of pussy, for a mere $35 you can now fuck your football and live out all your manly fantasies. GO BEARS!

Um really? Is that what guys do at football parties? Toss balls around until they get horny? Who knew?!

** You do no have to be “adventurous” to stick your dick in a pretend anus.

Tuna Vibe!

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When I think SEX I rarely think FISH! But when I saw this adorable Tuna Sushi-looking mini vibe, well I just had to have it (and I ordered an extra one to give away. See below)!

Fresh from Japan, this little buzzing fake food item combines three things I love: fake food, vibrators and sushi. Unfortunately, the vibrations are a little sad and the thought of cleaning out all those rice grains is daunting, but even if I never actually use it, I *heart* my new Sushi Vibe and plan to take her everywhere. And as soon as I can find the Tamago style you know I’m gonna snap that up too!



I’m giving one away to a lucky person!

You can enter to win on my Facebook Page

Or you can click to enter the giveaway

For your mane…

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Ah dear friends, let me introduce you to this wonder the Vibrating Brush! Technically called the Discreet Sensations Vibrating Hairbrush Plus this combo styling tool/sex toy is not the worst of the worst, for sure, but since it appears to be on its way out (I found it on a discontinued list), I thought it best I immortalize here (and talk shit about it as well) before it disappears forever.

Designed to be uber-discreet, this contraption is a really heavy brush that hides the secret of a removable vibe as the handle. And if having your sex toy disguised as something else is the number one requirement for you, then maybe this is a top choice (contact me quick, I can still get you one). BUT here is where this goes wrong:

1- It weights a TON. To heavy for a hairbrush and too heavy for a vibe that size.

2- It has one lameish speed.

3- It is way over priced for a one-speed vibe (The MSRP is $50. $50!!! ). And the packaging is ugly (like 1980s ugly). At that price I want something just a little classier.

4- THE BUSH TORE MY SCALP UP (while this sat on my desk for a few days I periodically brushed my hair ’cause, well, a hair brush was sitting there but as I sit and write this my scalp still feels raw)

So to sum up: if you are looking for a $50 one-speed super-heavy vibe that looks and acts like a pokey hairbrush… then this is your baby!

But if you prefer quality and value, then maybe you’ll prefer this discreet little number.

Popsicle Vibe

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Doesn’t this look good enough to eat? Well don’t ’cause this is all plastic and mechanics.

I admit I adore looking at this vibe reminiscent of innocent childhood, but as a sex toy, it really isn’t much to drool over.

Made of soft plastic that smells NOTHING like a fruity treat (more like a toxic spill), this vibe has little in the way of power and a shape that might be nice for some, but just a little weird for most. Yes, you could use this for clitoral stimulation which I am sure would be fine (no, this Pop has not been taken for a spin), but the wide and flattish shape would be quite unconformable if inserted in any hoo-ha or whatnot. That said, if there were prizes for Sex Toys That Look The Most Like Food… this would win.

Man, now I really want a frozen treat. For my mouth.

(The real name of this is Waterproof Vibesicle Rainbow Rocket, in case you were wondering)