Ouch!

Klittra

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I was rather upset to learn that recently that not only did I miss the whole establishment of the word Klittra to describe female masturbation (in Sweden) but apparently using an old roll-on deodorant container on your whatnots is and/or was a thing. Somewhere it is so much of a thing that a Swedish company started making a vibrating roll-on , called the Klittra, specifically for you to roll around on your outer bits. So naturally I had to send off to Sweden for one.

So I’d like to start by criticizing the lackluster packaging. It is just boring. A plain white cardboard box and mine had a piece of tape on it that was so old it was yellow and not sealed (in truth the vibe itself had a slight yellowing so I suspect that I got a real old one). But whatever, like most sex toys, it is what is inside the box that counts!

And what is inside is basically a roll-on applicator that is mostly hollow and has a vibrator integrated into the bottom half. It comes with some god-awful water-based lube made of mostly glycerin (my downtown is still burning from it) but you can use any lube you want, although Silicone and Oil would be way hard to clean out.  This is made of ABS plastic so it is non-porous and easy to clean, but if you clean it every time you use it, which you should always do, you are going to be wasting a lot of lube! If you put enough lube inside to make it be rolly-slidey you will for sure have a bunch left over and ya gotta ditch that because you do not want to re-introduce your cooch bacteria back onto your body after it has festered in the Klittra for a while. So that is annoying.

You know what is even more annoying? You are not supposed to put this near HAIR because it can get caught in the rolling ball. And yes, it can.

Also, and this is the most crucial aspect of this toy, the vibrations SUCKED. They do not travel through the large and empty top half well at all. Maybe for folks who find the rolling of a ball over their labia, balls or whatever fun, the vibrations won’t matter, but in that case you don’t need a $65 doohickey in the first place! I was also thinking that if the ball was smaller, not size of real roll-on deodorant, that it could maneuver more around delicate parts creating more of a sensation. With the size this is, you don’t (I don’t) have much space to actually get the ball rolling.

So to sum up:

  • My arm still hurts because I had use so much force to make this feel good
  • My snatch still burns from the included lube
  • I am dreading cleaning this and wasting all that lube I hate
  • If you like a roll-on on your fancy parts, then maybe try the classic roll-on trick (see below)
  • Or try a vibe with a round head and a lot of lube, I swear you it will not feel much different and your orgasm might require a lot less effort

 


This tip is taken from the always-reliable yahoo answers. Note please do NOT use “oil”, we suggest water-based lube so you can clean it:

Another thing, take an empty roll on deodorant & wash it out real good. Then (this works well while in the bath tub) you can put a dab of oil on the roller head & massage your clit with it. What feels best for me is a slow up & down motion, start around the vaginal opening & roll up to the hood of the clit, press harder & roll back down. Then try some slow lazy loops around it, like you’re drawing an 8. Pretty soon you’ll want to go faster & harder until you explode! I’m telling you this feels amazing, almost like you’re getting licked by someone!! 
Have fun!!!!!!


Dildo hanky in the pictures by New York Toy Collective


Also I’d like to add that their tag line is For every girl in the world and I can’t even with that… and it was a sad failure on Kickstarter.   : (

The worst toy I tried in 2017*

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I saw this vibe from Boom and was curious. It has a sqweel-like wheel and was pretty so I thought I’d give it a “whirl”… and OMG I REGRET IT SO MUCH.

Here is how the company describes it:

“The extra (separately) rotating and turning wheel on Cyclone is for intense pinpoint stimulation while the vibrating shaft provides curved G-Spot pleasure.”

Here is how I would describe it:

“Check it it out! This vibrator has a separate unique labia torture wheel, guaranteed to make you feel like some sort of wild animal thinks you are dinner. Just lay back and let the feeling of having your bits being sucked into a turbine wash over you before you start crying from the pain”

Seriously, it was the most painful toy I have ever tried. The wheel grabbed onto my skin and tried to gobble it up. And like a fool I tried it three more times at different angles all with the same results, horrible pain.

If you see this toy.. RUN FOR THE HILLS!

 

(* yeah, I know it is only January but nothing can top this)

Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and the box lies all over the place:

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• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?

 

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.

Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.

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Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!

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This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.Tongue

The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…

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*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.

More crap to put in your mouth

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What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!

This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!

“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue  vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit  directly onto  the teeth and  causes virtually no discomfort  or vibration to  the mouth or teeth while doing so.”

LIES! And questionable grammer!

Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).

The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question.  I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.

And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!

Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.

 

Today in things I do not want in my vagina..

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This penis sleeve:

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In 14 years of selling sex toys to Vagina-havers I have not had one person ask for something spikey to stick in their snatch. I just …I.. I….

Ora

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Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth-  NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*

Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”

Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.

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Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.

So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.

The. End.

*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.

** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.