Body parts in the wrong places
IT HAS —–
Hi, my name is searah and I am obsessed with sex toys that squish women’s bodies into crazy-ass shapes and this one here takes all the mother fucking cake.
First we have the classic boobs with vulva/vagina situation… ’cause you know, that is all that is important about women.
And this “Concubine Breast Doll” takes it a step further and adds the creepy-ness of a mouth and nose*.
But before you get too excited, it is even better because…
it has TEETH!!
YES TEETH. 
Check out the maker’s instagram feed for the whole mess of “awesome” stuff they have.
If you want to put your dick into something that is less creepy, click here…
*But no eyes??!? Wouldn’t it be even better with eyes???
Here we go again…
Yet another fine example of one of my pet peeves/obsessions…Women’s Bodies Squished or Compressed.. It is new and novel that they just stuck the Vulva in the middle of her torso where here stomach or spleen or something* should be.
And as indicated this is clearly molded DIRECTLY from Kendra Lust.. who somehow manages to still be alive despite having a vagina where her lungs* should be.
Sigh… if only all women were shaped like this…..
*Whatta I know about anatomy! I went to art school..
Hand Dick.
I think using your hands for sex is great! Like an amazing part of sex that I think gets overlooked sometimes. But I have to admit this cock sleeve gives me some pause.
Yes, it is a penis extender shaped like a hand.
I mean bravo for going there! And hell maybe having a hand coming out of your crotch is a super sexy turn on for some. But me, I’m just kinda shaking my head and once again asking… “Why”? 
T and V
Ah finally.. the only parts of women that actually matter in one convenient place.
I am kind of obsessed with boobs and vulvas smashed together.
It is just so WRONG. Grotesque and yet somehow sexy to enough men to make the manufacturing of them worthwhile.
Personally I think this makes just about the same amount of sense:
You can read more about the boobvulva here. This website is full of amazing things to put your penis in. The even have scientific looking cutaway shots of the innards of their Love Dolls.
Oh man I was almost done and then I found this awesome sleeve with MULTIPLE VULVAE on one blob!! So wrong.. so very wrong…
Booty Glove
According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.
Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea
What is that for you ask? “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”
Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.
MustachiO
I’ll be honest – I’m over Mustaches* but when this vibrating Mustache came along… you know I had to get one. Called the MustachiO, this is a vibrating silicone** strap-on ‘stash for a “great mustache ride!”. Ha ha I get it, it’s cute and funny and the will probably sell a buttload as gag gifts but it is a crappy sex toy! And here is why:
• It really easily clogs your nose so you can’t breath
• Having your upper lip/nose/top teeth vibrate can be really unpleasant!
• If you put even a tiny bit of pressure on it while wearing it, there is a sharp hard plastic thing that is pushing into your upper lip and it HURTS
• It is disposable!! And people, silicone does not degrade. Sure, you can keep it around as a fun costume after it stops working, but the packaging heralds it a “Disposable Fun!”, as if there was not enough crap in landfills already.
And probably no one who would buy this really cares all that much about my complaints, cause it is kinda funny, but people please, enough with disposable toys*** and mustaches already.
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* That said, I DO appreciate a dapper mustache on real live person.
** It says Silicone on the package and may well be but it did start in fire when I flame-tested it.
***Full-disclosure, early2bedshop.com does sell one disposable vibrating cockring. I’m not perfect, I know.
For the flexible..
“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –
That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.
(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)
Jump Me Jerri
What is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?
Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.
And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.
I love this F’able Hand
Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.
According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.
Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).
Pure 100% lifelike genius!
I just can’t even think of what to say about this…
… so I’ll just tell you the details:
• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs
• With a vulva three times the size below it
• It is called FUKPUSSY
• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.
• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”
• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.
So much to love/hate!
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 
