Humpus

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I’m a bit obsessed with crowd-sourced sex toys so I spend time each week searchng for the very *best* of them. This here wins the gold metal for horrible names.. presenting the HUMPUS. Yes, I said Humpus.

“Humpus the tiny* UNI-SEX HANDS-FREE masturbator.”

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Add to the name,  the super gendered language and the complete lack of info about the materials I’m running screaming the other way!

Check out, if you dare, here.


*I’m a little concerned that the maker does not know what “tiny” means.

Note: That all said, a machine like this may be great for folks with mobility issues, but can someone please make it better and call it something else? Thanks.

Spork It

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There are times when I just can’t tell if a product is meant to be a joke or not. Take this Spork here:

SPRK-R-101_D.jpg

It is supposed to be a sexy “multi-tool” but really there is just so much I hate about it. First of all… SPORK?? No, not sexy. Then the design.. I mean I get wanting to make a versatile toy and I appreciate the effort. But the vibe is so buzzy and the silicone so floppy I cannot fathom anyone finding this pleasurable. I mean, I do not have any testicles so maybe cupping them with a “spoon” that buzzes like a sick bee is fun, but that same spoon that is supposed to cradle my clit was just a sad, sad joke of a sensation.

Well maybe this is just one of those toys that bachelorettes are supposed to buy for someone as a funny thing to get lost at a bar after 22 tequila shots, in which case yay! Wasted resources!

Here we go again…

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Yet another fine example of one of my pet peeves/obsessions…Women’s Bodies Squished or Compressed.. It is new and novel that they just stuck the Vulva in the middle of her torso where here stomach or spleen or something* should be.

And as indicated this is clearly molded DIRECTLY from Kendra Lust.. who somehow manages to still be alive despite having a vagina where her lungs* should be.

Sigh… if only all women were shaped like this…..

 


*Whatta I know about anatomy! I went to art school..

 

Giant Lollipop

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OMG THIS LOLLIPOP! The packaging is incredibly spot on! I was thrilled when it showed up because as much as I hate stupid sex toys, I do love sugar and everything that looks like sugar. And Tokyo Design hit it our of the park with this usable, adorable Macaroon so I had high hopes..

But sadly once you take the wrapper off it is just a big,  poorly balanced, super buzzy, awkward to use vibe. It is battery operated and has a $60ish retail price so I just cannot in good conscious add this to Early to Bed’s collection. But I *can* keep it on my desk to remind me to get my daily sugar intake!

Look, it is almost as big as my head!!!!

 

Eat Candy!

xoxo,

Searah

The worst toy I tried in 2017*

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boomcyclone

I saw this vibe from Boom and was curious. It has a sqweel-like wheel and was pretty so I thought I’d give it a “whirl”… and OMG I REGRET IT SO MUCH.

Here is how the company describes it:

“The extra (separately) rotating and turning wheel on Cyclone is for intense pinpoint stimulation while the vibrating shaft provides curved G-Spot pleasure.”

Here is how I would describe it:

“Check it it out! This vibrator has a separate unique labia torture wheel, guaranteed to make you feel like some sort of wild animal thinks you are dinner. Just lay back and let the feeling of having your bits being sucked into a turbine wash over you before you start crying from the pain”

Seriously, it was the most painful toy I have ever tried. The wheel grabbed onto my skin and tried to gobble it up. And like a fool I tried it three more times at different angles all with the same results, horrible pain.

If you see this toy.. RUN FOR THE HILLS!

 

(* yeah, I know it is only January but nothing can top this)

People are still making this racist shit in 2016

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Ok maybe I should not be surprised, but while perusing an industry magazine today I noted this NEW messed up product. I thought this industry was moving away from this type of thing but I guess not!

So just in case it needs saying and anyone reading this is a sex toy maker: THIS IS RACIST. STOP MAKING RACIST SHIT LIKE THIS.50714

Hand Dick.

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I think using your hands for sex is great! Like an amazing part of sex that I think gets overlooked sometimes. But I have to admit this cock sleeve gives me some pause.

Yes, it is a penis extender shaped like a hand.

I mean bravo for going there! And hell maybe having a hand coming out of your crotch is a super sexy turn on for some. But me, I’m just kinda shaking my head and once again asking… “Why”? hand