SLT PSA

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Sometimes something comes out that just makes my body physically recoil… and this is one of those times.

This Butt Plug is part of a line of Self Lubrications toys (STL- Self Lubricating Technology) and it is oooging me out.

With its new Self Lubrication Technology (SLT), this buttplug is always ready. Penetration has never been so smooth and easy. No lubricant is needed. Just add a little water or saliva on the inside. After use just wash, preferably with toy-cleaner. The SLT will last for about 30 times. After that, the toy can be used by adding some lube manually.

So to break it down, this is porous TPE device that you stick in your ass after you water it up to get the lube going. Then you take it out, wash it, dry it and start all over again. Up to 30 times! Ok maybe that sounds great but there is NO indication of what the “lube” is made of* and this is a porous toy to begin with which is not a good idea for your butt (think of all that bacteria harboring in there). And really if you have to go run it under water to get it wet enough to shove in a butt, isn’t it actually easier to put lube on it? Sure, it says you can use spit to activate it but come on, how much spit does anyone actually have? You’ll need a lot to get this puppy slick…

“But think of all the money you’ll save on lube!” you say. Pish posh.. this retails for like $40 and if you want a crappy porous TPE butt plug you can get on for a fraction of that price (but DON’T! Instead go get a silicone one for way less and a bottle of water-based lube and you will be much better off).

Now I’ll be honest, the SLT toys that are made for one to stick their dick into do not wig me out as much, the porous status is less disconcerting when you are not putting the toy actually IN your body. And yeah, I can see keeping masturbation sleeve in the shower that only needs water to become slick kind of a good idea. But for the LOVE OF DILDOS please avoid putting anything in your butt (or vag) that is porous and that has something made of GOD KNOWS WHAT embedded in it that makes it slick.


*Seriously I have a REAL problem with this part. I am sure they do not list what this is made of to protect this “innovative” product but if you are putting this in your body, you should really be allowed access to the knowledge of what it actually made of!

Cookie!

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Oh hey, look! It is a little vibe called Cookie which is a really cute name!

And it has fingers that move around like this:

But I have to admit, Cookie is a little confusing to me. It is sold as a ” tempting foreplay toy” which leads me to believe that the makers never even intended for this to produce orgasms, which let’s be honest, is pretty much the point of vibrators. Sure, you can fun with them without orgasms, but hey, shouldn’t big finish be an option?!?! Plus well, it is just kind of creepy. In fact 65% of people who watched my Instagram movie about it voted it Scary (and only 35% voted for sexy).

But you ask.. how does it feel? Actually not too bad. The wiggly feeling is kinda cool and a little arousing but I’ll tell you what, having an orgasm with this is no easy feat or very satisfying, but it is possible. For my money (this retails for like $70-$85) I’d skip this wiggly doodad and just get a vibe that has multiple patterns, including one that will be more likely to help you have a FREAKING ORGASM.

Humpus

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I’m a bit obsessed with crowd-sourced sex toys so I spend time each week searchng for the very *best* of them. This here wins the gold metal for horrible names.. presenting the HUMPUS. Yes, I said Humpus.

“Humpus the tiny* UNI-SEX HANDS-FREE masturbator.”

nchbhmakfvoex4j6x719

Add to the name,  the super gendered language and the complete lack of info about the materials I’m running screaming the other way!

Check out, if you dare, here.


*I’m a little concerned that the maker does not know what “tiny” means.

Note: That all said, a machine like this may be great for folks with mobility issues, but can someone please make it better and call it something else? Thanks.

Spork It

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There are times when I just can’t tell if a product is meant to be a joke or not. Take this Spork here:

SPRK-R-101_D.jpg

It is supposed to be a sexy “multi-tool” but really there is just so much I hate about it. First of all… SPORK?? No, not sexy. Then the design.. I mean I get wanting to make a versatile toy and I appreciate the effort. But the vibe is so buzzy and the silicone so floppy I cannot fathom anyone finding this pleasurable. I mean, I do not have any testicles so maybe cupping them with a “spoon” that buzzes like a sick bee is fun, but that same spoon that is supposed to cradle my clit was just a sad, sad joke of a sensation.

Well maybe this is just one of those toys that bachelorettes are supposed to buy for someone as a funny thing to get lost at a bar after 22 tequila shots, in which case yay! Wasted resources!

Here we go again…

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Yet another fine example of one of my pet peeves/obsessions…Women’s Bodies Squished or Compressed.. It is new and novel that they just stuck the Vulva in the middle of her torso where here stomach or spleen or something* should be.

And as indicated this is clearly molded DIRECTLY from Kendra Lust.. who somehow manages to still be alive despite having a vagina where her lungs* should be.

Sigh… if only all women were shaped like this…..

 


*Whatta I know about anatomy! I went to art school..

 

Giant Lollipop

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OMG THIS LOLLIPOP! The packaging is incredibly spot on! I was thrilled when it showed up because as much as I hate stupid sex toys, I do love sugar and everything that looks like sugar. And Tokyo Design hit it our of the park with this usable, adorable Macaroon so I had high hopes..

But sadly once you take the wrapper off it is just a big,  poorly balanced, super buzzy, awkward to use vibe. It is battery operated and has a $60ish retail price so I just cannot in good conscious add this to Early to Bed’s collection. But I *can* keep it on my desk to remind me to get my daily sugar intake!

Look, it is almost as big as my head!!!!

 

Eat Candy!

xoxo,

Searah

The worst toy I tried in 2017*

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boomcyclone

I saw this vibe from Boom and was curious. It has a sqweel-like wheel and was pretty so I thought I’d give it a “whirl”… and OMG I REGRET IT SO MUCH.

Here is how the company describes it:

“The extra (separately) rotating and turning wheel on Cyclone is for intense pinpoint stimulation while the vibrating shaft provides curved G-Spot pleasure.”

Here is how I would describe it:

“Check it it out! This vibrator has a separate unique labia torture wheel, guaranteed to make you feel like some sort of wild animal thinks you are dinner. Just lay back and let the feeling of having your bits being sucked into a turbine wash over you before you start crying from the pain”

Seriously, it was the most painful toy I have ever tried. The wheel grabbed onto my skin and tried to gobble it up. And like a fool I tried it three more times at different angles all with the same results, horrible pain.

If you see this toy.. RUN FOR THE HILLS!

 

(* yeah, I know it is only January but nothing can top this)