T and V

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Ah finally.. the only parts of women that actually matter in one convenient place.

realbutt_juliana2_40realbutt_juliana2_15

I am kind of obsessed with boobs and vulvas smashed together.

It is just so WRONG. Grotesque and yet somehow sexy to enough men to make the manufacturing of them worthwhile.

Personally I think this makes just about the same amount of sense:

eardick

You can read more about the boobvulva here. This website is full of amazing things to put your penis in. The even have scientific looking cutaway shots of the innards of their Love Dolls.

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Oh man I was almost done and then I found this awesome sleeve with MULTIPLE VULVAE on one blob!! So wrong.. so very wrong…

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Suck My Clit…

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IMG_4056Or at least try a little harder.

So I’ll be honest, I’m a fan of toys that provide a nice sucking sensation, so I am always on the lookout for toys that do that, and do it well. I was intrigued by this ill-named number, The Conquestwhich looks kinda like a hair drier and sounds like some horrible mechanical toy or something. But then again, the Womanizer is ugly, loud and has a terrible name and I love it so why not give this a whirl?

Blech. I’d be better off if I hand spent that time watching some show with vampires. I hate shows with vampires.

This boastful toy does NOT have great sucking ability and it has this little plastic thing inside that pushes against your clit. It wasn’t painful but I bet someone who is more sensitive might find that unpleasant at the least. It also did not combine the weak push-n-pull with any vibration which might have helped a lot.

I did however, enjoy filling the toy up with water and letting it get squirted out. If it was waterproof it might make a great bath toy for my kid…

Anyway it was stupid and I am getting sick of toys with dumb names and stupid shit on the box like “The Conquest conquers every women!”. You did not conquer this women you stupid fucking toy.

 

 

Baggy dick

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Just WHY???

crazy penis with way too much skin
This item does not look like is it well at all….

 

 

Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.

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Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!

tongue

This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.Tongue

The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…

packging perspective 2014-10-13sm

 

*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.

I sat on this so you don’t have to.

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When I bought  the Ruby Glow I really was not sure if I was going to love or hate it… But guess what. I hate it.

I should have known when I saw the box proclaiming “Pleasure for the seated lady” that this wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. I like the concept of a vibe you can sit on. It is a cool idea for porn surfers, online erotica readers or even folks who just for whatever reason like or need to be sitting while jacking off. A toy that doesn’t require your hands is also a plus for folks with limited hand use. People have tried the sit-on vibe thing before and it kinda sucked (remember the Cone?) , but I was hopeful about this, I really was!

But Ruby, well she did not make me glow.

First off, this is supposed to be something you can use with your clothes on. So I tried it with jeans. No only did not I not feel much, but the seam on my jeans hurt. So I tried it with Yoga pants (that I wear but never go to yoga in) and still, not enough umph to make it fun through my clothes. So I ditched my pants and still, the vibrations were too weak to get me off. I even had to bring in a pinch hitter to do the job in the end.

So the vibrations are super blah. Sure there are two motors and lots of patterns, but if I can’t get where I want to with both on high, then we know we have a problem.

And then there is the design. They make a big deal about this sitting “snugly in place anchored by your pubic bone” but I did not ever get the feeling that this was in the right place and it hurt to sit on. It hurt on a soft chair and it hurt on a hard chair. Maybe it is my body shape… Perhaps a tiny person would have better luck… I dunno. I even had a guy friend sit on it for me and while there was a bit of a “oooh this feels interesting”, I never got the feeling he wanted us to leave the room so he could take that feeling further.

This is coated in silicone which is nice and it is $60 which isn’t outrageous, but it is battery operated. And while I really like the concept, it just falls sadly so short on being actually fun and not-painful to use.

But it is heavy so maybe I can use it as a door stop.

 

 

Well I guess if you have your own pool…

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Why not turn your noodle into a vibrator?

I can’t really make too much fun of this ‘casue who knows, maybe confronted with one in the privacy of my own pool I’d go to town… buuuut from a business standpoint, this Saddle for your Noodle  just seems a little to be a little too specific to really take hold of the market for any length of time.

Then again, I thought the Heeldo would disappear in a year, and I was wrong there…

More crap to put in your mouth

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IMG_7725 IMG_7724

What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!

This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!

“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue  vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit  directly onto  the teeth and  causes virtually no discomfort  or vibration to  the mouth or teeth while doing so.”

LIES! And questionable grammer!

Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).

The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question.  I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.

And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!

Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.