Just let your penis be a penis

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Boy People sure want to make penises a multi-purpose tool:

• There was a combo weedpipe/cocktoy for a while (think of the burns! ). RIP

• There is this cockring/odometer thing that I hate (why do you care how many strokes you get it? Focus on the sensation people! This isn’t a contest!*)

And today we got info about a cockring/video camera combo called the Cockcam, a cockring that can film while you are banging away.

 

So I get it , you want a new fun way to consensually film your sexy times.  No shame in that. But will you please think for a minute about what this film will look like.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think it will look like this but wetter and possibly at a lower quality:

 

 

Are you turned on yet?

Please don’t waste your money on stupid things! Just use your phone and get a high-quality cockring that will be FUN.

And hey, can we let let penises be penises, they are pretty great as they are!


*Fine, if you enter a fucking contest maybe the odometer cockring will be helpful.

“Bright” Idea

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I should start by disclosing the fact that some staffers our shop actually liked this life-sized lightbulb-shaped toy when it showed up… until I told them the MSRP is $60, which a lot for a weird-ass vibrating lightbulb.

I mean in some ways this has a lot of what we look for in a toy; 100% silicone, rechargeable and a unique design. However, not all unique designs are good designs (see Klittra, Eiffel Tower Dildo and The Cone, among others).  I mean, in all my years of running a sex shop and hearing about all the very specific things people want in a sex toy, I have NEVER EVER heard anyone say “I wish it looked like a Lightbulb”. A LIGHTBULB!

The only time I have heard of lightbulb and “sex” together is tales of people trying to stick/sticking lightbulbs in their ass (hint: DON’T) and believe me if you get this puppy in your butt, you are not getting it out again on your own.

Also it smells like bubble gum and it DOESN’T EVEN LIGHT UP! I mean at the very least if you are going to make a lightbulb-shaped sex toy, make it fucking light up!

In conclusion, I love having this $60 vibrating paperweight on my desk but I think it is a dumb-ass sex toy.

Buyer Beware!

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Some toys are offensive, some are stupid and some just make me mad with bad design and this is one of those. The Delta by Tenga is a well-meaning toy, but the ridiculous on/off switch and big seams make this a Don’t Buy!

Wand good sex toys? Look here!

Deep Diver

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Why oh why do they keep making these painful mouthguard/vibrator combos?

You know what feels pretty awful?* A fucking tiny hard plastic vibe rattling against your teeth. I spend a LOT of money to keep my teeth in my mouth, I so do not need a vibrator jiggling them all out for me.

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And then I’m just not sure that jamming this into your partner’s bits is gonna feel so great to them. The cheap TPE is sticky, the vibe really buzzy and you are not going to able to see where you a sticking this as your face will be all up in their business.

You are SO MUCH better off with a little fingertip vibe next to your tongue or a small insertable vibe while you are down there if they want some internal action with their mouth-job.

So no, just fucking no on this type of thing please.  And thank you.


* 10 freaking minutes later my teeth still hurt.

Klittra

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I was rather upset to learn that recently that not only did I miss the whole establishment of the word Klittra to describe female masturbation (in Sweden) but apparently using an old roll-on deodorant container on your whatnots is and/or was a thing. Somewhere it is so much of a thing that a Swedish company started making a vibrating roll-on , called the Klittra, specifically for you to roll around on your outer bits. So naturally I had to send off to Sweden for one.

So I’d like to start by criticizing the lackluster packaging. It is just boring. A plain white cardboard box and mine had a piece of tape on it that was so old it was yellow and not sealed (in truth the vibe itself had a slight yellowing so I suspect that I got a real old one). But whatever, like most sex toys, it is what is inside the box that counts!

And what is inside is basically a roll-on applicator that is mostly hollow and has a vibrator integrated into the bottom half. It comes with some god-awful water-based lube made of mostly glycerin (my downtown is still burning from it) but you can use any lube you want, although Silicone and Oil would be way hard to clean out.  This is made of ABS plastic so it is non-porous and easy to clean, but if you clean it every time you use it, which you should always do, you are going to be wasting a lot of lube! If you put enough lube inside to make it be rolly-slidey you will for sure have a bunch left over and ya gotta ditch that because you do not want to re-introduce your cooch bacteria back onto your body after it has festered in the Klittra for a while. So that is annoying.

You know what is even more annoying? You are not supposed to put this near HAIR because it can get caught in the rolling ball. And yes, it can.

Also, and this is the most crucial aspect of this toy, the vibrations SUCKED. They do not travel through the large and empty top half well at all. Maybe for folks who find the rolling of a ball over their labia, balls or whatever fun, the vibrations won’t matter, but in that case you don’t need a $65 doohickey in the first place! I was also thinking that if the ball was smaller, not size of real roll-on deodorant, that it could maneuver more around delicate parts creating more of a sensation. With the size this is, you don’t (I don’t) have much space to actually get the ball rolling.

So to sum up:

  • My arm still hurts because I had use so much force to make this feel good
  • My snatch still burns from the included lube
  • I am dreading cleaning this and wasting all that lube I hate
  • If you like a roll-on on your fancy parts, then maybe try the classic roll-on trick (see below)
  • Or try a vibe with a round head and a lot of lube, I swear you it will not feel much different and your orgasm might require a lot less effort

 


This tip is taken from the always-reliable yahoo answers. Note please do NOT use “oil”, we suggest water-based lube so you can clean it:

Another thing, take an empty roll on deodorant & wash it out real good. Then (this works well while in the bath tub) you can put a dab of oil on the roller head & massage your clit with it. What feels best for me is a slow up & down motion, start around the vaginal opening & roll up to the hood of the clit, press harder & roll back down. Then try some slow lazy loops around it, like you’re drawing an 8. Pretty soon you’ll want to go faster & harder until you explode! I’m telling you this feels amazing, almost like you’re getting licked by someone!! 
Have fun!!!!!!


Dildo hanky in the pictures by New York Toy Collective


Also I’d like to add that their tag line is For every girl in the world and I can’t even with that… and it was a sad failure on Kickstarter.   : (

IT HAS —–

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Hi, my name is searah and I am obsessed with sex toys that squish women’s bodies into crazy-ass shapes and this one here takes all the mother fucking cake.

 

First we have the classic boobs with vulva/vagina situation…  ’cause you know, that is all that is important about women.

 

And this “Concubine Breast Doll” takes it a step further and adds the creepy-ness of a mouth and nose*.

But before you get too excited, it is even better because…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it has TEETH!!

YES TEETH. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Check out the maker’s instagram feed for the whole mess of “awesome” stuff they have.

If you want to put your dick into something that is less creepy, click here…


*But no eyes??!? Wouldn’t it be even better with eyes???

Survey Says….

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… that this is just creepy (and/but also looks like a Tardigrade)

This is made by a vibrator company, so you think they’d intend this for your whatnots but my whatnots could not find anything fun about this and most of the folks who saw it said “EW WHAT IS THAT?!?!”.

It is not even good as a back massager unless you like your skin just kind of pulled around a little.

Yay for sex toys over $100 with no orgasms in site!