Deep Diver

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Why oh why do they keep making these painful mouthguard/vibrator combos?

You know what feels pretty awful?* A fucking tiny hard plastic vibe rattling against your teeth. I spend a LOT of money to keep my teeth in my mouth, I so do not need a vibrator jiggling them all out for me.

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And then I’m just not sure that jamming this into your partner’s bits is gonna feel so great to them. The cheap TPE is sticky, the vibe really buzzy and you are not going to able to see where you a sticking this as your face will be all up in their business.

You are SO MUCH better off with a little fingertip vibe next to your tongue or a small insertable vibe while you are down there if they want some internal action with their mouth-job.

So no, just fucking no on this type of thing please.  And thank you.


* 10 freaking minutes later my teeth still hurt.

Klittra

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I was rather upset to learn that recently that not only did I miss the whole establishment of the word Klittra to describe female masturbation (in Sweden) but apparently using an old roll-on deodorant container on your whatnots is and/or was a thing. Somewhere it is so much of a thing that a Swedish company started making a vibrating roll-on , called the Klittra, specifically for you to roll around on your outer bits. So naturally I had to send off to Sweden for one.

So I’d like to start by criticizing the lackluster packaging. It is just boring. A plain white cardboard box and mine had a piece of tape on it that was so old it was yellow and not sealed (in truth the vibe itself had a slight yellowing so I suspect that I got a real old one). But whatever, like most sex toys, it is what is inside the box that counts!

And what is inside is basically a roll-on applicator that is mostly hollow and has a vibrator integrated into the bottom half. It comes with some god-awful water-based lube made of mostly glycerin (my downtown is still burning from it) but you can use any lube you want, although Silicone and Oil would be way hard to clean out.  This is made of ABS plastic so it is non-porous and easy to clean, but if you clean it every time you use it, which you should always do, you are going to be wasting a lot of lube! If you put enough lube inside to make it be rolly-slidey you will for sure have a bunch left over and ya gotta ditch that because you do not want to re-introduce your cooch bacteria back onto your body after it has festered in the Klittra for a while. So that is annoying.

You know what is even more annoying? You are not supposed to put this near HAIR because it can get caught in the rolling ball. And yes, it can.

Also, and this is the most crucial aspect of this toy, the vibrations SUCKED. They do not travel through the large and empty top half well at all. Maybe for folks who find the rolling of a ball over their labia, balls or whatever fun, the vibrations won’t matter, but in that case you don’t need a $65 doohickey in the first place! I was also thinking that if the ball was smaller, not size of real roll-on deodorant, that it could maneuver more around delicate parts creating more of a sensation. With the size this is, you don’t (I don’t) have much space to actually get the ball rolling.

So to sum up:

  • My arm still hurts because I had use so much force to make this feel good
  • My snatch still burns from the included lube
  • I am dreading cleaning this and wasting all that lube I hate
  • If you like a roll-on on your fancy parts, then maybe try the classic roll-on trick (see below)
  • Or try a vibe with a round head and a lot of lube, I swear you it will not feel much different and your orgasm might require a lot less effort

 


This tip is taken from the always-reliable yahoo answers. Note please do NOT use “oil”, we suggest water-based lube so you can clean it:

Another thing, take an empty roll on deodorant & wash it out real good. Then (this works well while in the bath tub) you can put a dab of oil on the roller head & massage your clit with it. What feels best for me is a slow up & down motion, start around the vaginal opening & roll up to the hood of the clit, press harder & roll back down. Then try some slow lazy loops around it, like you’re drawing an 8. Pretty soon you’ll want to go faster & harder until you explode! I’m telling you this feels amazing, almost like you’re getting licked by someone!! 
Have fun!!!!!!


Dildo hanky in the pictures by New York Toy Collective


Also I’d like to add that their tag line is For every girl in the world and I can’t even with that… and it was a sad failure on Kickstarter.   : (

IT HAS —–

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Hi, my name is searah and I am obsessed with sex toys that squish women’s bodies into crazy-ass shapes and this one here takes all the mother fucking cake.

 

First we have the classic boobs with vulva/vagina situation…  ’cause you know, that is all that is important about women.

 

And this “Concubine Breast Doll” takes it a step further and adds the creepy-ness of a mouth and nose*.

But before you get too excited, it is even better because…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it has TEETH!!

YES TEETH. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Check out the maker’s instagram feed for the whole mess of “awesome” stuff they have.

If you want to put your dick into something that is less creepy, click here…


*But no eyes??!? Wouldn’t it be even better with eyes???

Survey Says….

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… that this is just creepy (and/but also looks like a Tardigrade)

This is made by a vibrator company, so you think they’d intend this for your whatnots but my whatnots could not find anything fun about this and most of the folks who saw it said “EW WHAT IS THAT?!?!”.

It is not even good as a back massager unless you like your skin just kind of pulled around a little.

Yay for sex toys over $100 with no orgasms in site!

 

SLT PSA

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Sometimes something comes out that just makes my body physically recoil… and this is one of those times.

This Butt Plug is part of a line of Self Lubrications toys (STL- Self Lubricating Technology) and it is oooging me out.

With its new Self Lubrication Technology (SLT), this buttplug is always ready. Penetration has never been so smooth and easy. No lubricant is needed. Just add a little water or saliva on the inside. After use just wash, preferably with toy-cleaner. The SLT will last for about 30 times. After that, the toy can be used by adding some lube manually.

So to break it down, this is porous TPE device that you stick in your ass after you water it up to get the lube going. Then you take it out, wash it, dry it and start all over again. Up to 30 times! Ok maybe that sounds great but there is NO indication of what the “lube” is made of* and this is a porous toy to begin with which is not a good idea for your butt (think of all that bacteria harboring in there). And really if you have to go run it under water to get it wet enough to shove in a butt, isn’t it actually easier to put lube on it? Sure, it says you can use spit to activate it but come on, how much spit does anyone actually have? You’ll need a lot to get this puppy slick…

“But think of all the money you’ll save on lube!” you say. Pish posh.. this retails for like $40 and if you want a crappy porous TPE butt plug you can get on for a fraction of that price (but DON’T! Instead go get a silicone one for way less and a bottle of water-based lube and you will be much better off).

Now I’ll be honest, the SLT toys that are made for one to stick their dick into do not wig me out as much, the porous status is less disconcerting when you are not putting the toy actually IN your body. And yeah, I can see keeping masturbation sleeve in the shower that only needs water to become slick kind of a good idea. But for the LOVE OF DILDOS please avoid putting anything in your butt (or vag) that is porous and that has something made of GOD KNOWS WHAT embedded in it that makes it slick.


*Seriously I have a REAL problem with this part. I am sure they do not list what this is made of to protect this “innovative” product but if you are putting this in your body, you should really be allowed access to the knowledge of what it actually made of!

Cookie!

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Oh hey, look! It is a little vibe called Cookie which is a really cute name!

And it has fingers that move around like this:

But I have to admit, Cookie is a little confusing to me. It is sold as a ” tempting foreplay toy” which leads me to believe that the makers never even intended for this to produce orgasms, which let’s be honest, is pretty much the point of vibrators. Sure, you can fun with them without orgasms, but hey, shouldn’t big finish be an option?!?! Plus well, it is just kind of creepy. In fact 65% of people who watched my Instagram movie about it voted it Scary (and only 35% voted for sexy).

But you ask.. how does it feel? Actually not too bad. The wiggly feeling is kinda cool and a little arousing but I’ll tell you what, having an orgasm with this is no easy feat or very satisfying, but it is possible. For my money (this retails for like $70-$85) I’d skip this wiggly doodad and just get a vibe that has multiple patterns, including one that will be more likely to help you have a FREAKING ORGASM.

Humpus

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I’m a bit obsessed with crowd-sourced sex toys so I spend time each week searchng for the very *best* of them. This here wins the gold metal for horrible names.. presenting the HUMPUS. Yes, I said Humpus.

“Humpus the tiny* UNI-SEX HANDS-FREE masturbator.”

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Add to the name,  the super gendered language and the complete lack of info about the materials I’m running screaming the other way!

Check out, if you dare, here.


*I’m a little concerned that the maker does not know what “tiny” means.

Note: That all said, a machine like this may be great for folks with mobility issues, but can someone please make it better and call it something else? Thanks.