Stupid

Taking the “Novelty” in “Adult Novelty” really seriously.

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Fidget spinners are everywhere (or at least they were a year ago) and now you can have one in your butt!

 

 

There is just a LOT going on with this ya’ll… but I guess if anal sex makes you nervous then maybe this will calm you?*


*Note that I do not actually think this is a good idea for folks who find the idea of receptive anal play anxiety inducing! That was a joke.

I’m not really sure why you would want this except to show off your cute butt. If you want some actual real advice on Anal Sex, click here for an article on early2bed.com about butt sex basics.

Buyer Beware!

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Some toys are offensive, some are stupid and some just make me mad with bad design and this is one of those. The Delta by Tenga is a well-meaning toy, but the ridiculous on/off switch and big seams make this a Don’t Buy!

Wand good sex toys? Look here!

Deep Diver

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Why oh why do they keep making these painful mouthguard/vibrator combos?

You know what feels pretty awful?* A fucking tiny hard plastic vibe rattling against your teeth. I spend a LOT of money to keep my teeth in my mouth, I so do not need a vibrator jiggling them all out for me.

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And then I’m just not sure that jamming this into your partner’s bits is gonna feel so great to them. The cheap TPE is sticky, the vibe really buzzy and you are not going to able to see where you a sticking this as your face will be all up in their business.

You are SO MUCH better off with a little fingertip vibe next to your tongue or a small insertable vibe while you are down there if they want some internal action with their mouth-job.

So no, just fucking no on this type of thing please.  And thank you.


* 10 freaking minutes later my teeth still hurt.

Spork It

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There are times when I just can’t tell if a product is meant to be a joke or not. Take this Spork here:

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It is supposed to be a sexy “multi-tool” but really there is just so much I hate about it. First of all… SPORK?? No, not sexy. Then the design.. I mean I get wanting to make a versatile toy and I appreciate the effort. But the vibe is so buzzy and the silicone so floppy I cannot fathom anyone finding this pleasurable. I mean, I do not have any testicles so maybe cupping them with a “spoon” that buzzes like a sick bee is fun, but that same spoon that is supposed to cradle my clit was just a sad, sad joke of a sensation.

Well maybe this is just one of those toys that bachelorettes are supposed to buy for someone as a funny thing to get lost at a bar after 22 tequila shots, in which case yay! Wasted resources!

The worst toy I tried in 2017*

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I saw this vibe from Boom and was curious. It has a sqweel-like wheel and was pretty so I thought I’d give it a “whirl”… and OMG I REGRET IT SO MUCH.

Here is how the company describes it:

“The extra (separately) rotating and turning wheel on Cyclone is for intense pinpoint stimulation while the vibrating shaft provides curved G-Spot pleasure.”

Here is how I would describe it:

“Check it it out! This vibrator has a separate unique labia torture wheel, guaranteed to make you feel like some sort of wild animal thinks you are dinner. Just lay back and let the feeling of having your bits being sucked into a turbine wash over you before you start crying from the pain”

Seriously, it was the most painful toy I have ever tried. The wheel grabbed onto my skin and tried to gobble it up. And like a fool I tried it three more times at different angles all with the same results, horrible pain.

If you see this toy.. RUN FOR THE HILLS!

 

(* yeah, I know it is only January but nothing can top this)

CrescenDON’T

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OK, I have been holding my tongue on the Crescendo vibe for long enough. I backed this puppy when it was being crowd-funded cause I thought it looked cool. It took like 10 months to get it but you know…I have plenty of toys so no big whoop. But because it took so long to come (ha!) I expected it to be awesome. It is not and it has sat on my desk for months. I have not been motivated to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I was talking to a reporter for a college newspaper about tech and sex toys and I started getting all riled up about how everyone is so jazzed about sex toys and tech but how fucking pointless some of this tech is. Just adding some tech thingy to sex toy does not necessarily make it better sex toy. Often it just makes it more expensive and stupider and harder for folks to use.

SO yeah anyway before I go on and on about that, let’s get back to the Crescendo.. it is a dud people. It is fucking smelly* and it is a different color than when I got it in april**. If this is made of 100% silicone, I’m made of motherfucking jellybeans****. Plus the “silicone” sheath on it doesn’t seem to fit right and the buttons are whack-ass.cds

Ok sure, yes, it bends. That is nice. But since it is flat, it will not make a super comfy “innie” vibe. And all these wonderful 6 motors. Eh. They are ok. But not 6 times better than one motor. It is overkill if you ask me. The app is fine. It worked to control the vibe but that is all it is, a controller, it doesn’t offer connectivity to a lover far away or anything actually cool like that (at least that I could tell).

Oh and hey, check out the sound this makes:

Sexy right? Sexy like an alarm clock….

Also, I could not turn it off! I had to put it back in its charging cradle to make it stop vibrating. Please trust me when I say that I know how to turn a fucking vibe off. It is unacceptable for it to either be so hard to turn off that I can’t manage it or just not turn off because it is poorly made.

But the box it came in is nice. If you like spending lots of money on pretty boxes, this may be worth it. But otherwise, hit me up and I’ll sell you a vibe for 1/2 the price that is like 100000 better than this high-tech smelly stick.

SO maybe I got some crappy prototype by mistake and the $199 ones you can buy online are amazing***. But what sits in front of me right now smelling up my office is not worth the price I just paid for a bagel and to have this passed off as some innovative technology wonder of the new era of sex toys is just sad. And rage-inducing. ARGGGGG. I’m rageful!

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*Note I just walked outside my office for like 30 seconds and when I came back in was I overwhelmed with the smell of this thing just sitting on my floor charging.

** I SWEAR it was blue when I got it and now it is green.

*** That’d be great. I’d be thrilled to know that no one is spending hard earned money on this version!

****Well this kinda passed the flame test but I am still not buying this 100% silicone claim due to the smell and the fact that it changed color!

Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and the box lies all over the place:

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• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?

 

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.