There are times when I just can’t tell if a product is meant to be a joke or not. Take this Spork here:
It is supposed to be a sexy “multi-tool” but really there is just so much I hate about it. First of all… SPORK?? No, not sexy. Then the design.. I mean I get wanting to make a versatile toy and I appreciate the effort. But the vibe is so buzzy and the silicone so floppy I cannot fathom anyone finding this pleasurable. I mean, I do not have any testicles so maybe cupping them with a “spoon” that buzzes like a sick bee is fun, but that same spoon that is supposed to cradle my clit was just a sad, sad joke of a sensation.
Well maybe this is just one of those toys that bachelorettes are supposed to buy for someone as a funny thing to get lost at a bar after 22 tequila shots, in which case yay! Wasted resources!
I saw this vibe from Boom and was curious. It has a sqweel-like wheel and was pretty so I thought I’d give it a “whirl”… and OMG I REGRET IT SO MUCH.
Here is how the company describes it:
“The extra (separately) rotating and turning wheel on Cyclone is for intense pinpoint stimulation while the vibrating shaft provides curved G-Spot pleasure.”
Here is how I would describe it:
“Check it it out! This vibrator has a separate unique labia torture wheel, guaranteed to make you feel like some sort of wild animal thinks you are dinner. Just lay back and let the feeling of having your bits being sucked into a turbine wash over you before you start crying from the pain”
Seriously, it was the most painful toy I have ever tried. The wheel grabbed onto my skin and tried to gobble it up. And like a fool I tried it three more times at different angles all with the same results, horrible pain.
If you see this toy.. RUN FOR THE HILLS!
(* yeah, I know it is only January but nothing can top this)
OK, I have been holding my tongue on the Crescendo vibe for long enough. I backed this puppy when it was being crowd-funded cause I thought it looked cool. It took like 10 months to get it but you know…I have plenty of toys so no big whoop. But because it took so long to come (ha!) I expected it to be awesome. It is not and it has sat on my desk for months. I have not been motivated to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I was talking to a reporter for a college newspaper about tech and sex toys and I started getting all riled up about how everyone is so jazzed about sex toys and tech but how fucking pointless some of this tech is. Just adding some tech thingy to sex toy does not necessarily make it better sex toy. Often it just makes it more expensive and stupider and harder for folks to use.
SO yeah anyway before I go on and on about that, let’s get back to the Crescendo.. it is a dud people. It is fucking smelly* and it is a different color than when I got it in april**. If this is made of 100% silicone, I’m made of motherfucking jellybeans****. Plus the “silicone” sheath on it doesn’t seem to fit right and the buttons are whack-ass.
Ok sure, yes, it bends. That is nice. But since it is flat, it will not make a super comfy “innie” vibe. And all these wonderful 6 motors. Eh. They are ok. But not 6 times better than one motor. It is overkill if you ask me. The app is fine. It worked to control the vibe but that is all it is, a controller, it doesn’t offer connectivity to a lover far away or anything actually cool like that (at least that I could tell).
Oh and hey, check out the sound this makes:
Sexy right? Sexy like an alarm clock….
Also, I could not turn it off! I had to put it back in its charging cradle to make it stop vibrating. Please trust me when I say that I know how to turn a fucking vibe off. It is unacceptable for it to either be so hard to turn off that I can’t manage it or just not turn off because it is poorly made.
But the box it came in is nice. If you like spending lots of money on pretty boxes, this may be worth it. But otherwise, hit me up and I’ll sell you a vibe for 1/2 the price that is like 100000 better than this high-tech smelly stick.
SO maybe I got some crappy prototype by mistake and the $199 ones you can buy online are amazing***. But what sits in front of me right now smelling up my office is not worth the price I just paid for a bagel and to have this passed off as some innovative technology wonder of the new era of sex toys is just sad. And rage-inducing. ARGGGGG. I’m rageful!
*Note I just walked outside my office for like 30 seconds and when I came back in was I overwhelmed with the smell of this thing just sitting on my floor charging.
** I SWEAR it was blue when I got it and now it is green.
*** That’d be great. I’d be thrilled to know that no one is spending hard earned money on this version!
****Well this kinda passed the flame test but I am still not buying this 100% silicone claim due to the smell and the fact that it changed color!
Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?
As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.
So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.
Oh and the box lies all over the place:
• It is not a foot long
• It is not discreet at fucking all
• There is no way in hell it is silicone
• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.
And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?
HAPPY HUMP DAY!
*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.
Take the Cascade vibe here. Billed as revolutionary, this vibe performs the onerous chore of applying lube for you. Yep, that is it. It squirts out lube so you don’t have to.
OK, I’ll admit, this is not as epically stupid as the fuckable teddy bear (what? that is no longer available??!?! SEE I AM SMART) but man-o-man, there are some serious issues here. And while it debuted in 2013, their website is gone and this is down to 24% of the original price on my distributor’s website so it seems like I was right again!
Anyway, let’s look at the reasons why this sucked, shall we…
1- The presenting problem it aims to fix: Putting lube on a toy is not that hard!** It’s true, have you tried? It is like super easy to apply to any sex toy.
2- The lube that you are now forced to use: You can only use the lube they provide/make/sell. And guess what the second ingredient is? Glycerin which many folks find irritating. So you can’t use your beloved Sliquid or Sutil or whatever it is that you love with this vibe. Nope. You are stuck with what the makers make for it. So what happens if you don’t realize you are low or out of their lube & you want to get your vibration ON? You can’t just run down to the drugstore and get more lube for this gadget. You are then stuck having to apply the lube manually and you are RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU STARTED.
Plus now that the company seems to be AOL, you are SOL when you need more lube for this toy.
3- The price point: The price was too high for the toy. At about $125 retail, this toy feels cheap.. like all the weight and heft is coming from the lube, not the quality parts. Yes sure, it is silicone and rechargeable, but it just feels cheap to me and I hate that. For $125 I want a toy to feel like it worth more than a giant box of Recchiuti chocolates.
4- How this functions as a sex toy. The tip of the toy, once re-assembled after removing the silicone sleeve to insert the lube, is off center. That is not the worst thing in the world for sure, but it is LAZY. Come on! I know from the picture on the box that you did not intent for it to be like that. And how are the vibrations you ask? FUCK IF I KNOW! I have been charging mine for 4 days it still will not turn on. So yeah, your lube delivery system is fancy, sure, but if it can’t even turn on to get you off then WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE BOTHER!?
Anyway…. If anyone reading this has some BRILLIANT idea for a “ground-breaking” sex toy, save yourself some heartache and let me tell you if it sucks hard or not. I’m smart.
*Full-disclosure. I thought this might actually be cool for about a week before I learned more about it. Like cool enough to inquire more about it and then decide NAH.
** I can see how one could make the argument that this might be helpful for folks with mobility issues, but you still have to press a small button to get the lube out so I do not think it would not be much help.
So I’ll be honest, I’m a fan of toys that provide a nice sucking sensation, so I am always on the lookout for toys that do that, and do it well. I was intrigued by this ill-named number, The Conquest, which looks kinda like a hair drier and sounds like some horrible mechanical toy or something. But then again, the Womanizer is ugly, loud and has a terrible name and I love it so why not give this a whirl?
Blech. I’d be better off if I hand spent that time watching some show with vampires. I hate shows with vampires.
This boastful toy does NOT have great sucking ability and it has this little plastic thing inside that pushes against your clit. It wasn’t painful but I bet someone who is more sensitive might find that unpleasant at the least. It also did not combine the weak push-n-pull with any vibration which might have helped a lot.
I did however, enjoy filling the toy up with water and letting it get squirted out. If it was waterproof it might make a great bath toy for my kid…
Anyway it was stupid and I am getting sick of toys with dumb names and stupid shit on the box like “The Conquest conquers every women!”. You did not conquer this women you stupid fucking toy.