Offensive
More crap to put in your mouth
What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!
This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!
“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.”
LIES! And questionable grammer!
Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).
The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question. I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.
And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!
Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.
Yes, I am a feminist killjoy
“The deep oral canal is lined with tiny ribs that feel great when lubed up. Face fuck her as hard as you want and for as long as you like without her choking or gagging. When you’re ready to finish, blow your load inside her mouth and watch her swallow every drop!”
Because that is what women are made for…
Our racist Industry
So this is from December last year and I’m not going to name the company (they have already heard plenty from me and offered an apology-ish) but it bears sharing that in 2014 on the heels of Ferguson and such, some fucking company thought this would be a good marketing ploy… I mean, serious this is some FUCKED UP SHIT.
Finally! The perfect woman!
It has finally happened! They made the Perfect Woman! And she has no pesky head or arms or legs to get in your way.
Masque this.
Masque is a $4 dissolving strip that is designed to “Completely mask the taste of seman”. And I have a few things to say about it-
1- They have this picture on their website (above) to show you how to use the product. I really hope it is tongue-in-cheek and not there because they think people are so stupid that they will not know how to open a package and put a thing in their mouth. (Although it could be worse and they had to add it because people were so confused)
2- One of the ingredients listed is “Natural Taste-Masking Agents”. Um, WTF is that and do I really want that in my mouth?
3- $12 for a three-pack? REALLY? To quote my friend Garnet Joyce “Amazing what some people will charge for an every day product repackaged as a sex product”. (that said, the makers go a long way to argue that is not like any other product out there)
4- I am sure there are women out there who love to give a blowjob but don’t love the taste of seman. But did you know you can give an awesome blowjob without drinking in all that seaman?
5- I just keep thinking how I’d feel if my partner were about to go down on me and busted out a product sayong, “hang on a second honey, I have to completely mask the flavor of you because you taste disgusting”.
I mean, I get it, I do. Not everyone loves tasting every part of their partner, and I know that flavored lubes and body products can be fun and make tasting things more pleasant. But completly eliminating taste completely seems like overkill to me. I like to think the whole point of sex is sensation in all its forms -not the elimination of sensation.
But then again, I am just one angry dyke feminist who will probably go the rest of her life without having to face this challenge…
China Lube
This gem is here for a few of reasons:
1- The awful orientalist packaging and name. I just checked and not only is this still in production, the packaging has not been updated at all.
2- The incredibly misleading and stupid copy on the box:
For centuries there has been a special sexual secret known as Chin Dai. This oriental ecstasy potion releases all inhibitions and turns any sexual act into a sensual…orgasmic experience. You can now enjoy this exotic love potion with our new CHINA “Anal lube” the most remarkable product of it’s [sic] kind ever developed…
The most remarkable product EVER? Really? And why is anal lube in quotes? Also propyleme glycol and hydroxypropylmathylcellulose have been around for centuries? Are you sure? How do these ingredients “releases all inhibitions”? So many unanswered questions….
These are some amazing claims for a crappy lube to make, don’t ya think?
3- This is a pretty thin lube. Not what I would recommend for backdoor action. Not that I would recommend this crap for any other place on your body.
Happy weekend!
Mia Isabella’s Big Secrect Collection
Oh gosh, I have so much to say about this toy. But first, in case the picture is not worth 1000 words let me tell you more about it.
This is from a line of trans porn star Mia Isabella’s toys and yes, it is a masturbation sleeve that is shaped like a penis with a little butt on the back where the balls would be. It’s proper name is “Fuck My Cock!” In general I am a huge fan of sex toys that smoosh a person’s body down to the most important elements (in this case butt and penis) as I think it makes for some of the weirdest toys out there, and this one does not disappoint!
It is quite a hefty piece of cyberskin penis that I think would be quite unwieldy to actually use (it carries all its weight in the back and is super floppy) and with such a small hole and no other opening, this thing is going to be hard as hell to clean. Yikes.
So from a purely design standpoint, this fails in the general usability and plain old weird-ass design departments.
But it is the concept and marketing of this line which really got me thinking/confused/mad.
On the good side, I think it is awesome to see a trans performer branded line of toys. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a trans woman porn star has had her parts made into a sex toy, but it is the most big deal I have seen made about it (even got a whole glossy booklet about it). But instead of making this some trans-positive line, this company is marketing this more as fetish item, which could maybe possibly be ok, but as I was looking at the line I saw this text describing another item:
From the manufacturer’s website describing:
Mia Isabella Collection: Create Your Own Tranny Strap-On Kit
“Shhhh‚…Your SECRET is Safe With ME! Have you ever fantasized what it would be like getting fucked by a real tranny? How great would it feel to suck a big thick tranny cock, then bend over and let your tight little ass get penetrated by shecock ? With this Create Your Own Tranny kit, you and your partner can live out your most perverted TS fantasies. Strap on the Tranny shecock, slide on the sexy fishnet stockings, put on the sexy lipstick, and get ready for a wild ride! The comfortable strap-on stays in place while the action heats up, and the leather straps easily adjusts to fit most sizes.”
Before I go any further, let me say this: I do not speak for trans women. I speak about this as an ally of trans people and as someone who deeply cares about how all women are portrayed. And I want to add that I do believe it is ok for someone to have a “thing” for trans women as much as I think it is fine to have a “thing” about small boobs, red hair, men over 6″ feet tall or in my case, sociologists & women who ride bikes.
But what bothers me as that while they are “celebrating” their first line of products modeled after a trans woman, they have set it up as a “perversion” in order to sell it to a mainstream audience. And yes, not all the copy from all the products in this line are this extreme, but this company has pissed me off before for having what I view as grossly misogynistic toy descriptions (if you are interested, you can read about that here) not to mention some blatantly misleading packaging (“Made of Silicone” when it is not in fact, made of silicone), so I am not inclined to be very forgiving with them.
So I wonder, is this line of sex toys modeled after (and from) a trans woman progress? Certainly one doesn’t have to advertise this in their store or on their site in the manner the maker lays out. If it were Early to Bed, I’d be able to spin it positively, leave the box out of the picture and actually be ok about it (well not this exact toy). But I know I cannot support a company that posts such really extreme garbage on their website (which many vendors do copy verbatim).
*sigh*
So what do you think? Is Mia Isabella’s Big Secret Collection progress? I’m still conflicted and I’d love to hear some other people’s point of view.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 