Plain old just not fun
OK, I have been holding my tongue on the Crescendo vibe for long enough. I backed this puppy when it was being crowd-funded cause I thought it looked cool. It took like 10 months to get it but you know…I have plenty of toys so no big whoop. But because it took so long to come (ha!) I expected it to be awesome. It is not and it has sat on my desk for months. I have not been motivated to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I was talking to a reporter for a college newspaper about tech and sex toys and I started getting all riled up about how everyone is so jazzed about sex toys and tech but how fucking pointless some of this tech is. Just adding some tech thingy to sex toy does not necessarily make it better sex toy. Often it just makes it more expensive and stupider and harder for folks to use.
SO yeah anyway before I go on and on about that, let’s get back to the Crescendo.. it is a dud people. It is fucking smelly* and it is a different color than when I got it in april**. If this is made of 100% silicone, I’m made of motherfucking jellybeans****. Plus the “silicone” sheath on it doesn’t seem to fit right and the buttons are whack-ass.
Ok sure, yes, it bends. That is nice. But since it is flat, it will not make a super comfy “innie” vibe. And all these wonderful 6 motors. Eh. They are ok. But not 6 times better than one motor. It is overkill if you ask me. The app is fine. It worked to control the vibe but that is all it is, a controller, it doesn’t offer connectivity to a lover far away or anything actually cool like that (at least that I could tell).
Oh and hey, check out the sound this makes:
Sexy right? Sexy like an alarm clock….
Also, I could not turn it off! I had to put it back in its charging cradle to make it stop vibrating. Please trust me when I say that I know how to turn a fucking vibe off. It is unacceptable for it to either be so hard to turn off that I can’t manage it or just not turn off because it is poorly made.
But the box it came in is nice. If you like spending lots of money on pretty boxes, this may be worth it. But otherwise, hit me up and I’ll sell you a vibe for 1/2 the price that is like 100000 better than this high-tech smelly stick.
SO maybe I got some crappy prototype by mistake and the $199 ones you can buy online are amazing***. But what sits in front of me right now smelling up my office is not worth the price I just paid for a bagel and to have this passed off as some innovative technology wonder of the new era of sex toys is just sad. And rage-inducing. ARGGGGG. I’m rageful!
*Note I just walked outside my office for like 30 seconds and when I came back in was I overwhelmed with the smell of this thing just sitting on my floor charging.
** I SWEAR it was blue when I got it and now it is green.
*** That’d be great. I’d be thrilled to know that no one is spending hard earned money on this version!
****Well this kinda passed the flame test but I am still not buying this 100% silicone claim due to the smell and the fact that it changed color!
So I’ll be honest, I’m a fan of toys that provide a nice sucking sensation, so I am always on the lookout for toys that do that, and do it well. I was intrigued by this ill-named number, The Conquest, which looks kinda like a hair drier and sounds like some horrible mechanical toy or something. But then again, the Womanizer is ugly, loud and has a terrible name and I love it so why not give this a whirl?
Blech. I’d be better off if I hand spent that time watching some show with vampires. I hate shows with vampires.
This boastful toy does NOT have great sucking ability and it has this little plastic thing inside that pushes against your clit. It wasn’t painful but I bet someone who is more sensitive might find that unpleasant at the least. It also did not combine the weak push-n-pull with any vibration which might have helped a lot.
I did however, enjoy filling the toy up with water and letting it get squirted out. If it was waterproof it might make a great bath toy for my kid…
Anyway it was stupid and I am getting sick of toys with dumb names and stupid shit on the box like “The Conquest conquers every women!”. You did not conquer this women you stupid fucking toy.
When I bought the Ruby Glow I really was not sure if I was going to love or hate it… But guess what. I hate it.
I should have known when I saw the box proclaiming “Pleasure for the seated lady” that this wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. I like the concept of a vibe you can sit on. It is a cool idea for porn surfers, online erotica readers or even folks who just for whatever reason like or need to be sitting while jacking off. A toy that doesn’t require your hands is also a plus for folks with limited hand use. People have tried the sit-on vibe thing before and it kinda sucked (remember the Cone?) , but I was hopeful about this, I really was!
But Ruby, well she did not make me glow.
First off, this is supposed to be something you can use with your clothes on. So I tried it with jeans. No only did not I not feel much, but the seam on my jeans hurt. So I tried it with Yoga pants (that I wear but never go to yoga in) and still, not enough umph to make it fun through my clothes. So I ditched my pants and still, the vibrations were too weak to get me off. I even had to bring in a pinch hitter to do the job in the end.
So the vibrations are super blah. Sure there are two motors and lots of patterns, but if I can’t get where I want to with both on high, then we know we have a problem.
And then there is the design. They make a big deal about this sitting “snugly in place anchored by your pubic bone” but I did not ever get the feeling that this was in the right place and it hurt to sit on. It hurt on a soft chair and it hurt on a hard chair. Maybe it is my body shape… Perhaps a tiny person would have better luck… I dunno. I even had a guy friend sit on it for me and while there was a bit of a “oooh this feels interesting”, I never got the feeling he wanted us to leave the room so he could take that feeling further.
This is coated in silicone which is nice and it is $60 which isn’t outrageous, but it is battery operated. And while I really like the concept, it just falls sadly so short on being actually fun and not-painful to use.
But it is heavy so maybe I can use it as a door stop.