OK, I have been holding my tongue on the Crescendo vibe for long enough. I backed this puppy when it was being crowd-funded cause I thought it looked cool. It took like 10 months to get it but you know…I have plenty of toys so no big whoop. But because it took so long to come (ha!) I expected it to be awesome. It is not and it has sat on my desk for months. I have not been motivated to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I was talking to a reporter for a college newspaper about tech and sex toys and I started getting all riled up about how everyone is so jazzed about sex toys and tech but how fucking pointless some of this tech is. Just adding some tech thingy to sex toy does not necessarily make it better sex toy. Often it just makes it more expensive and stupider and harder for folks to use.
SO yeah anyway before I go on and on about that, let’s get back to the Crescendo.. it is a dud people. It is fucking smelly* and it is a different color than when I got it in april**. If this is made of 100% silicone, I’m made of motherfucking jellybeans****. Plus the “silicone” sheath on it doesn’t seem to fit right and the buttons are whack-ass.
Ok sure, yes, it bends. That is nice. But since it is flat, it will not make a super comfy “innie” vibe. And all these wonderful 6 motors. Eh. They are ok. But not 6 times better than one motor. It is overkill if you ask me. The app is fine. It worked to control the vibe but that is all it is, a controller, it doesn’t offer connectivity to a lover far away or anything actually cool like that (at least that I could tell).
Oh and hey, check out the sound this makes:
Sexy right? Sexy like an alarm clock….
Also, I could not turn it off! I had to put it back in its charging cradle to make it stop vibrating. Please trust me when I say that I know how to turn a fucking vibe off. It is unacceptable for it to either be so hard to turn off that I can’t manage it or just not turn off because it is poorly made.
But the box it came in is nice. If you like spending lots of money on pretty boxes, this may be worth it. But otherwise, hit me up and I’ll sell you a vibe for 1/2 the price that is like 100000 better than this high-tech smelly stick.
SO maybe I got some crappy prototype by mistake and the $199 ones you can buy online are amazing***. But what sits in front of me right now smelling up my office is not worth the price I just paid for a bagel and to have this passed off as some innovative technology wonder of the new era of sex toys is just sad. And rage-inducing. ARGGGGG. I’m rageful!
*Note I just walked outside my office for like 30 seconds and when I came back in was I overwhelmed with the smell of this thing just sitting on my floor charging.
** I SWEAR it was blue when I got it and now it is green.
*** That’d be great. I’d be thrilled to know that no one is spending hard earned money on this version!
****Well this kinda passed the flame test but I am still not buying this 100% silicone claim due to the smell and the fact that it changed color!
Slaphappy? More like Slapsad.
I’m so fascinated by crowdfunded sex toys that sometimes I invest in them just to see what horror they come up with. Sometimes I invest because I think something will be cool. And sometimes I am just not sure how things will turn out. Slaphappy falls into the last category, something that would maybe be cool but that I was also really skeptical of.
Turns out I was right to be skeptical. This toy promised a LOT. G-Spot! Clitoral! Spanking! and more! They managed to raise more than the $15,000 they were looking for so you know there was something appealing about this to the mass market. But this is a big fat Fail in my book and here is why:
1- I like the idea of a flat toy to fit between two folks, but this just does not have the power that many (most?) folks need. And it is buzzy power
2- Ok , so it is flexible which could be fun, but if you are looking for g-spot action you usually need some pressure and when you try to do that with this, it just unbends. And when I tired to get more ooomph from it by pressing externally with it, it bent as well, making me frustrated and worried that it might snap in half (not that it did).
3- It is flat. Have you ever stuck something FLAT in your vagina? Not so great people! Let me guess, the person who designed this does not have a vagina….
4- The slapping part.. actually this part is pretty ok. If you like hitting people with electronics that you could maybe break because you keep hitting people with it. But sure, the hitting sensation is ok.
I’m all for innovation in sex toys, but innovation needs to go hand-in-hand with usability! And power. Always give us power.
More crowd-sourced wonderfulness
So here we have another crowd-funding campaign enticing us to support yet another “game-changing, patent pending product” called The Glov.
These people seem nice enough, but there are just so many things about this campaign and the product that make me want to scream:
• The design. Oi.
• The idea that holding sex toys is so hard*
• That you have to trust a computer illustration (no prototype yet?)
• The use of “Body-safe” in quotes and the fact that one is TPR which we all agree at this point is not a super awesome material
• “The Glov represents an important step forward for female self-satisfaction. Masturbation is still often thought of as something embarrassing or dirty for women (it’s 2014 and unacceptable)! By making it easier and more pleasurable for women to use sex toys, we are also empowering women to freely play and do it more often!” – um excuse me, can you please tell how this hideous glove contraption is going to make masturbation less “embarrassing” or “dirty”. MASTURBATION IS EASY ALREADY! SEX TOYS ARE ALREADY FUN!
Sigh. People really need to call me first before launching stuff like this. But good luck to them. For real! Maybe this will make some people REALLY HAPPY and if that is case, congrats.
* Not only is it pretty easy for most people, there are already vibes out there designed to be easy to hold that are more versatile and less expensive.
Oh Poor Teddy Bear!
Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head. And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!
First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??
Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store. There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)
Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?
Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)
Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.
Also.. OMG CLEANING IT!!
But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.
(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )
UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.