Hand Dick.

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I think using your hands for sex is great! Like an amazing part of sex that I think gets overlooked sometimes. But I have to admit this cock sleeve gives me some pause.

Yes, it is a penis extender shaped like a hand.

I mean bravo for going there! And hell maybe having a hand coming out of your crotch is a super sexy turn on for some. But me, I’m just kinda shaking my head and once again asking… “Why”? hand

Ready! Set! Squirt!

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squirt_1Let me start by saying that I have no idea if this Watch that can magically make women “squirt” works or not. In fact I don’t care if it does. I just hate it so much.  Why, you may ask? Well let me tell you.

Not all people who possess a vagina are the same!  God good I get sick of having to say this over and over. The thrust and speed that may make one person “squirt” is not necessarily going to work for everyone.  The whole premise of this dohickey chaps my nads as it is replacing communication. So you are watching your watch  instead of paying attention to your lover or asking them what they like and what feels good. grrr. I can just see someone using this watch and getting more caught up in making the lights flash than caring about what their partner is feeling. We spend so watchmuch time at Early to Bed helping people and to be honest, men in particular, understand that just because one women gets off on X, that does not mean another woman will even like X. There is no one toy, technique or watch that makes all women or even MOST women get off or be happy.  And this dude with his watch and promises of amazing “squirting” with his technique just makes me want to yell and kick the big log that is our back (I call it my kicking log).

And COME ON GUY… Stop lights do not go GREEN, YELLOW, RED.. they go the other way, buddy.  “Squirt, Set, Ready”  just makes you look dumb.


Now that I have had to say “squirt” in my head 100 times I never want to hear that word again and I am blaming Marcus London.


Booty Glove

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According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.


Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea



What is that for you ask?  “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”

Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.

More crowd-sourced wonderfulness

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20140807133515-feat1new_white__copySo here we have another crowd-funding campaign enticing us to support yet another “game-changing, patent pending product” called The Glov.

These people seem nice enough, but there are just so many things about this campaign and the product that make me want to scream:

• The design. Oi.

• The idea that holding sex toys is so hard*

• That you have to trust a computer illustration (no prototype yet?)

•  The use of “Body-safe” in quotes and the fact that one is TPR which we all agree at this point is not a super awesome material

• “Game-Changing”

“The Glov represents an important step forward for female self-satisfaction. Masturbation is still often thought of as something embarrassing or dirty for women (it’s 2014 and unacceptable)!  By making it easier and more pleasurable for women to use sex toys, we are also empowering women to freely play and do it more often!” – um excuse me,  can you please tell how this hideous glove contraption is going to make masturbation less “embarrassing” or “dirty”. MASTURBATION IS EASY ALREADY! SEX TOYS ARE ALREADY FUN!

Sigh. People really need to call me first before launching stuff like this. But good luck to them. For real! Maybe this will make some people REALLY HAPPY and if that is case, congrats.

* Not only is it pretty easy for most people, there are already vibes out there designed to be easy to hold that are more versatile and less expensive.



Not too surprised to find this on a “Discontinued” list

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Bad Seed Ez Bend 7x Double Shocker

“Triple stim: thumb for clit stim, fingers for vaginal insertion and pinkie goes in the stinky”

Hey ladies, don’t you love buying toys that advertise pleasure for your “stinky”?

Come Hither

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Have I ever mentioned how much I love a ridiculous body parts? Well I do and this tiny hand is no exception.

I ordered this from China when I got my floppy fuckable Hand  and it is a suposed to perhaps be a g-spot stimulator seeing as how the hand gesture it is making is the universal Come Hither motion that we we teach folks to use inside the vagina to help find the G-spot*. It is a vibrator, naturally and way too fucking small to reach anyone’s G-spot. And as a vibe, it performs pretty miserably as well. The soft and tiny fingers do nothing for one’s bits.

So on my shelf it its sits, along with the rest of the Island of Misfit Stupid Body Part Toys.

*Want more info on the G-spot? Click here.