May actually be cool
Vibe Alarm!
While it has not been the case most of my life, these days I am alarm-free, meaning my 3 year old wakes me up at 6:07am every freaking day so I do not really need an alarm. But when I saw one of my distributors was carrying a alarm clock/vibrator I knew I had to try it. I mean, who would not want to wake up gently with a nice buzz between their legs?
So in the interest of science I ordered one up and then I took a nap. And now I have feelings I need to share.
The Arrival:
Firstly I should mention that this retails for $79. Keep that in mind… I sure did.
When it got to the shop I eagerly ripped open the box to inspect/fiddle with it and the Wake-Up Vibe (yes, that is its “clever” real name) stuck me immediately as cheap. It is very lightweight, which I guess is good for a wearable alarm clock, but not what I usually look for in a quality vibe. It came packed with a blindfold (cute), a storage bag (appreciated, but my life is overrun with them) and a universal charger (great for international travel). I set the clock (easy) then the alarm (a little more tricky) and then threw it my bag to take home.
My first impressions were not glowing: The display is not a pretty as the one pictured on their photo (top). In fact Is it quite ugly (see second real life picture). I am also skeptical of the “covered in the best quality silicone” claim on the box. It feels an AWFUL lot like hard plastic/ABS to me. And did I mention how cheap it feels? Like a $12 vibe. Oh, but it did arrive charged. I like that.
The Nap:
So settling down for my short winter nap I was forced to wear underwear to use this (not my preferred sleep style) so already I was cranky. And yes, it felt like I had a weird hard load in the front of my drawers when I slipped it in. (I am very curious how a small person would find this. It felt big on me and I am big.) But I did manage to fall asleep,and an hour later was gently awoken by this thing in my pants.
It was a far from unpleasant-wake up call and I did actually linger just a little longer in bed… which seems like the opposite of the point of an alarm. Now I hate to admit it, but I require a snooze button* and this ain’t got one, so strike two (or three or whatever number I am on). Then I got thinking, maybe the snooze button would have been a non-issue if I could have flipped this puppy on high and finished of what it started. But the vibrations are weak and there are no straight vibrations… It is all buzz buzz zip zip patterns making it a huge tease and nowhere near what this lady requires. Overall, I think the chances of me using this again are slim but who knows, it might come in handy somehow, someday.
So to conclude – Eh. full on Eh. If you want a $79 alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and forces you to wear underwear to bed, let me know. I will be thrilled to order you one.
But if you want a vibrator to enjoy pleasurable sensations and possible orgasm, stay away! I am a sex toy hawker, not an alarm salesman, and I could never recommend this as a sex toy. Ever. Ever. Ever.
*There is actually another vibe alarm called the Little Rooster that DOES have a snooze button. But ya still gotta wear unders and there is even more between your legs…
Tuna Vibe!
When I think SEX I rarely think FISH! But when I saw this adorable Tuna Sushi-looking mini vibe, well I just had to have it (and I ordered an extra one to give away. See below)!
Fresh from Japan, this little buzzing fake food item combines three things I love: fake food, vibrators and sushi. Unfortunately, the vibrations are a little sad and the thought of cleaning out all those rice grains is daunting, but even if I never actually use it, I *heart* my new Sushi Vibe and plan to take her everywhere. And as soon as I can find the Tamago style you know I’m gonna snap that up too!
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WANT ONE?
I’m giving one away to a lucky person!
You can enter to win on my Facebook Page
Heady Betty, Handy Mandy and Peter Reader make me want to Yelly Helly
Silly me, I thought sex was about pleasure and sensation, maybe even intimacy and connection. And while I know it can also be about plain old F*U*N (as my aunt Ruba would say) I seamed to have missed the part where it is about COMPETITION AND “MEASURING UP”! Thank goodness I saw this crap to remind me.
These motion counters attach to either one’s head, wrist or waist and “enhance your love life” by counting your “lover’s motions, how long he or she takes/lasts, and even tracks calories burned”. ‘Cause isn’t sex better when you know how many calories you burned?
Ok fine. I’ll admit that these are intended to be some silly bachelorette party gift or gag Over The Hill Party dodad, but intentions aside, the packaging, wording and over all existence of this thing makes me really MAD. Especially the fucking fact that they make one for ladies’ heads. Ugh.
And even as a gag gift this garbage is still promoting the idea that how long your can screw/yank/suck has a direct correlation to how “good” sex is. That notion makes me insane as it drives people to do silly things like numb their dick to last longer or numb their throat to stick a dick further down.
Plus, this is NOT the “Most exciting new sex novelty available” (as their flier claims) but one of the biggest stupid wastes of plastic and natural resources I have seen in DAYS.
Really bored at work? Watch their ridiculous video here.
I hate them.
-end rant-
Whiskey Dick Lube… cocktail for your cooter
Let me just say that a little part of me feels guilty for even talking about a “novelty” product such as this when CLEARLY the makers are trying to make something silly. But as I sit here licking some Whiskey Dick whiskey flavored lube off my arm I find I just cannot think of it a “just” a novelty because people WILL use it as lube.
So overall, its fine. It tastes pretty whiskey-ish for a lube. I would not kick that flavor out of bed. And it even stays pretty slippery. But, (and this is a big BUT let me tell you)… NOWHERE on the packaging or bottle does it list ingredients! This I find inexcusable. If you make something that is (joking or not), intended to go inside someone you need to let people know what is in it! There is no way in hell I’d put this sweet, boozy tasting stuff anywhere near my snatch without an ingredient list. Nor should you.
But hell, if you are a risk taker and want some cocktail-flavored sex, don’t let me stop you. Get some now! (but if your bits start burning don’t come crying to me!)
The Biggest Vibrator on EARTH!
OMG look at how big this is! Bigger than a Mini Cooper!
Gotcha! That is just a toy Mini.
But this is a big-ass mutherfucking vibrator. Hopefully the cocktail gives you a little bit more realistic perspective (Old Fashioned made with bourbon, of course).
It clocks in at 12″ long and about 3.25″ diameter (that is a full 11″ around). It runs on EIGHT C batteries and has just one fucking speed. I’m not sure if it was made as a joke or what, but not only is it a bit unwieldy, but also really hard to store so I am a little surprised it is stil on the market (yes! I can get you one for only $80. Email me!). It makes me think of a vibrator that that prop comic might pull out during some vaguely misogynistic joke.
But all that mocking aside, it does provide a type of vibration that is unique to its MASSIVE size and I’ll cop to taking it for a spin once or twice, but it is hard to fit into the sink to clean, so mostly it watches over us as we sleep. Like a good sex fairy or something…
Ultraman!! Vibrator!!
Don’t ya kinda wish you got this for Valentine’s Day?
From my personal collection … this rocket-style Ultraman vibe is at LEAST 10 years old and I think impossible to find these days (nah nah nah).
Kinda crappy as a sex toy so he lives among the pewter crackers and felted heads on my mantle, fated to live out his days wishing he could be used for some more erotic purpose…
HAPPY DAY AFTER VALENTINE’S DAY!!
Wake up with a BANG
My dear friend Matie at Self Serve * in Albuquerque, MN alerted me to this crazy-ass wake up machine. Bascially a vibe you wear all night that wakes you up slowly with a buzz and tingle.
I AM NOT KIDDING!
Personally, I find this intriguing but for me there would be a few problems:
1- My severe aversion to wearing “knickers” to bed
2- I move around like a hockey player in my sleep so I am sure no matter what this would end up by my ankles or in some other non-effective place
3- I don’t need an alarm. I have a 20 month old one who wakes me up at 6:10 am each morning like clockwork.
That said… they are shipping to the US so in the interest of my attempt to be the foremost expert on all things vibrator.. I may just have to give it a spin..
(psst.. Self Serve, along with a bunch of other kick-ass sex shops are part of a group that I belong to call The Progressive Pleasure Club. If you like indie, feminist sex shops, you should check us out on Facebook!)
All photos from the manufacturer
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 