Deep Diver

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Why oh why do they keep making these painful mouthguard/vibrator combos?

You know what feels pretty awful?* A fucking tiny hard plastic vibe rattling against your teeth. I spend a LOT of money to keep my teeth in my mouth, I so do not need a vibrator jiggling them all out for me.


And then I’m just not sure that jamming this into your partner’s bits is gonna feel so great to them. The cheap TPE is sticky, the vibe really buzzy and you are not going to able to see where you a sticking this as your face will be all up in their business.

You are SO MUCH better off with a little fingertip vibe next to your tongue or a small insertable vibe while you are down there if they want some internal action with their mouth-job.

So no, just fucking no on this type of thing please.  And thank you.

* 10 freaking minutes later my teeth still hurt.

Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.






Oh and the box lies all over the place:


• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?



*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.

Well I guess if you have your own pool…

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Why not turn your pool noodle into a vibrator?

I can’t really make too much fun of this ’cause who knows, maybe confronted with one in the privacy of my own pool I’d go to town… buuuut from a business standpoint, this Saddle for your Noodle  just seems a little to be a little too specific to really take hold of the market for any length of time.

Then again, I thought the Heeldo would disappear in a year, and I was wrong there…

A saddle that retrofits to an aquatic, elongated noodle-type flotation device, in order to convert it into a vibrating and floating sexual assembly. The Gnarly Rider saddle which houses the waterproof vibrator or bullet, provides discreet and quiet fun in the water, offering smooth, soothing vibrations. The Gnarly Rider comes pre-packaged with a 10 speed silver bullet. The medical grade silicone orb tantalizes your clitoris as you float in a state of bliss.

The Gnarly Rider fits most common size noodles (2 3/4″ 3 1/2″ Diameter). The silicone straps are adjustable, allowing the saddle to fit most noodles. Stainless steel rivets hold the straps in place with various size settings. All combined, the Gnarly Rider experience may be summed up as aquatic, erotic perfection. The underside of the Gnarly Rider silicone saddle has been fabricated with an anti-slip finish, keeping it firmly in place on the noodle during use. The Pool Noodles are sold separately.

UPDATE 2/5/2020. Nope, I was right this time! After seeing this on sale for dirt cheap with a supplier, I went to the product’s website to find it gone. R.I.P Pool Noodle Jack Off Thingy

Slaphappy? More like Slapsad.

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I’m so fascinated by crowdfunded sex toys that sometimes I invest in them just to see what horror they come up with. Sometimes I invest because I think something will be cool. And sometimes I am just not sure how things will turn out. Slaphappy falls into the last category, something that would maybe be cool but that I was also really skeptical of.

Turns out I was right to be skeptical. This toy promised a LOT. G-Spot! Clitoral! Spanking! and more! They managed to raise more than the $15,000 they were looking for so you know there was something appealing about this to the mass market. But this is a big fat Fail in my book and here is why:

1- I like the idea of a flat toy to fit between two folks, but this just does not have the power that many (most?) folks need. And it is buzzy power

2- Ok , so it is flexible which could be fun, but if you are looking for g-spot action you usually need some pressure and when you try to do that with this, it just unbends. And when I tired to get more ooomph from it by pressing externally with it, it bent as well, making me frustrated and worried that it might snap in half (not that it did).

3- It is flat. Have you ever stuck something FLAT in your vagina? Not so great people!  Let me guess, the person who designed this does not have a vagina….

4- The slapping part.. actually this part is pretty ok. If you like hitting people with electronics that you could maybe break because you keep hitting people with it. But sure, the hitting sensation is ok.

I’m all for innovation in sex toys, but innovation needs to go hand-in-hand with usability! And power. Always give us power.



Another Headless Lady…

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Some days I am just overwhelmed with how many headless lady fuckable toys there are out there. They even went as far as a neck here but just gave up at the head, I guess. Sigh.



Also this is 27″ long so have fun stashing that under your bed…


F*ck your iPad!

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Let me start by saying (before you go trying to actually purchase this) that the iPunani is not actually in production (yet). It is one of many crazy sex toys that is merely a prototype and may never actually make it into production. Nevertheless, it is screwy and I’d like to talk about it.

So yeah, you slip this case over your iPad, and then put your penis in the hole (there would be two choices of hole style… one more “discreet” than the other) while watching whatever you want on your device. They assume that it will be porn (they are probably right). Pretty simple but my main question is WHY?!?!??!

Think about it -if you are watching porn on your iPad and fucking it at the same time, I think you might get a headache form having to watch your porn moving up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down….

Also you do not have to hold onto your iPad to watch porn, so why not just use a Fleshlight or some other sleeve? That way you can still have one hand free for fast forwarding through the boring parts of porn. Or touching some other part of your body or adding more lube or drinking a martini!

The site says “Enjoy a completely new and exciting sexual experience while having sex with a masturbator and watching porn on a mobile device.” Um HELLO!! People already do that, like all the freaking time.

Can someone, anyone tell me any benefit of those two things being connected??

Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.

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And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.

To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”

UPDATE 2019: Sadly this does not seem to be available anymore. No more burnt pubes for you!


For the flexible..

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“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –

That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.

(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)

Jump Me Jerri

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jumpmejerriWhat is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?

Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.

And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.


For your mane…

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Ah dear friends, let me introduce you to this wonder the Vibrating Brush! Technically called the Discreet Sensations Vibrating Hairbrush Plus this combo styling tool/sex toy is not the worst of the worst, for sure, but since it appears to be on its way out (I found it on a discontinued list), I thought it best I immortalize here (and talk shit about it as well) before it disappears forever.

Designed to be uber-discreet, this contraption is a really heavy brush that hides the secret of a removable vibe as the handle. And if having your sex toy disguised as something else is the number one requirement for you, then maybe this is a top choice (contact me quick, I can still get you one). BUT here is where this goes wrong:

1- It weights a TON. To heavy for a hairbrush and too heavy for a vibe that size.

2- It has one lameish speed.

3- It is way over priced for a one-speed vibe (The MSRP is $50. $50!!! ). And the packaging is ugly (like 1980s ugly). At that price I want something just a little classier.

4- THE BUSH TORE MY SCALP UP (while this sat on my desk for a few days I periodically brushed my hair ’cause, well, a hair brush was sitting there but as I sit and write this my scalp still feels raw)

So to sum up: if you are looking for a $50 one-speed super-heavy vibe that looks and acts like a pokey hairbrush… then this is your baby!

But if you prefer quality and value, then maybe you’ll prefer this discreet little number.