Unmanagable

Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and the box lies all over the place:

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• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?

 

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.

Slaphappy? More like Slapsad.

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I’m so fascinated by crowdfunded sex toys that sometimes I invest in them just to see what horror they come up with. Sometimes I invest because I think something will be cool. And sometimes I am just not sure how things will turn out. Slaphappy falls into the last category, something that would maybe be cool but that I was also really skeptical of.

Turns out I was right to be skeptical. This toy promised a LOT. G-Spot! Clitoral! Spanking! and more! They managed to raise more than the $15,000 they were looking for so you know there was something appealing about this to the mass market. But this is a big fat Fail in my book and here is why:

1- I like the idea of a flat toy to fit between two folks, but this just does not have the power that many (most?) folks need. And it is buzzy power

2- Ok , so it is flexible which could be fun, but if you are looking for g-spot action you usually need some pressure and when you try to do that with this, it just unbends. And when I tired to get more ooomph from it by pressing externally with it, it bent as well, making me frustrated and worried that it might snap in half (not that it did).

3- It is flat. Have you ever stuck something FLAT in your vagina? Not so great people!  Let me guess, the person who designed this does not have a vagina….

4- The slapping part.. actually this part is pretty ok. If you like hitting people with electronics that you could maybe break because you keep hitting people with it. But sure, the hitting sensation is ok.

I’m all for innovation in sex toys, but innovation needs to go hand-in-hand with usability! And power. Always give us power.

 

 

Another Headless Lady…

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Some days I am just overwhelmed with how many headless lady fuckable toys there are out there. They even went as far as a neck here but just gave up at the head, I guess. Sigh.

 

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Also this is 27″ long so have fun stashing that under your bed…

 

F*ck your iPad!

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Let me start by saying (before you go trying to actually purchase this) that the iPunani is not actually in production (yet). It is one of many crazy sex toys that is merely a prototype and may never actually make it into production. Nevertheless, it is screwy and I’d like to talk about it.

So yeah, you slip this case over your iPad, and then put your penis in the hole (there would be two choices of hole style… one more “discreet” than the other) while watching whatever you want on your device. They assume that it will be porn (they are probably right). Pretty simple but my main question is WHY?!?!??!

Think about it -if you are watching porn on your iPad and fucking it at the same time, I think you might get a headache form having to watch your porn moving up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down….

Also you do not have to hold onto your iPad to watch porn, so why not just use a Fleshlight or some other sleeve? That way you can still have one hand free for fast forwarding through the boring parts of porn. Or touching some other part of your body or adding more lube or drinking a martini!

The site says “Enjoy a completely new and exciting sexual experience while having sex with a masturbator and watching porn on a mobile device.” Um HELLO!! People already do that, like all the freaking time.

Can someone, anyone tell me any benefit of those two things being connected??

Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.

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YOU GUYS!! THIS IS A PIPE YOU WEAR ON YOUR DICK SO YOUR BLOWJOBBER CAN SMOKE WHILE BLOWING YOU!

And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.

To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”

So please watch this  Not Safe For Work Video RIGHT NOW!

You really should. It will make your day (a long as watching someone simultaneously getting high and giving a blow job entertains you). Kayo hasn’t stopped laughing yet.

 

For the flexible..

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“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –

That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.

(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)

Jump Me Jerri

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jumpmejerriWhat is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?

Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.

And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.