Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.






Oh and the box lies all over the place:


• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?



*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.

4 thoughts on “Foot Long Loser

    josurinu said:
    September 21, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    It’s the WURST. Bun intended.

      searah responded:
      September 21, 2016 at 4:21 pm

      Ha! Good one..

    Rin said:
    October 7, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    I have to wonder about some manufacturers’ definition of the word “discreet.” I’ve seen plenty of small pocket masturbators than could be easily hidden away and didn’t have designs that called attention to themselves even if they were left out. A giant goddamn frank? Folks are going to notice it, and ask about it, and probably pick it up and pretend it’s a sword when you’re out of the room. XD

    CrescenDON’T « Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys said:
    October 17, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    […] to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I […]

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