Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys

CrescenDON’T

Posted on October 17, 2016 Updated on October 19, 2016

OK, I have been holding my tongue on the Crescendo vibe for long enough. I backed this puppy when it was being crowd-funded cause I thought it looked cool. It took like 10 months to get it but you know…I have plenty of toys so no big whoop. But because it took so long to come (ha!) I expected it to be awesome. It is not and it has sat on my desk for months. I have not been motivated to write about it because there are things that I have come across that are much more FUN to mock like that giant hot dog thing. But I started seeing this toy toy mentioned in articles about Tech and Sex Toys. And then today I was talking to a reporter for a college newspaper about tech and sex toys and I started getting all riled up about how everyone is so jazzed about sex toys and tech but how fucking pointless some of this tech is. Just adding some tech thingy to sex toy does not necessarily make it better sex toy. Often it just makes it more expensive and stupider and harder for folks to use.

SO yeah anyway before I go on and on about that, let’s get back to the Crescendo.. it is a dud people. It is fucking smelly* and it is a different color than when I got it in april**. If this is made of 100% silicone, I’m made of motherfucking jellybeans****. Plus the “silicone” sheath on it doesn’t seem to fit right and the buttons are whack-ass.

Ok sure, yes, it bends. That is nice. But since it is flat, it will not make a super comfy “innie” vibe. And all these wonderful 6 motors. Eh. They are ok. But not 6 times better than one motor. It is overkill if you ask me. The app is fine. It worked to control the vibe but that is all it is, a controller, it doesn’t offer connectivity to a lover far away or anything actually cool like that (at least that I could tell).

Oh and hey, check out the sound this makes:

Sexy right? Sexy like an alarm clock….

Also, I could not turn it off! I had to put it back in its charging cradle to make it stop vibrating. Please trust me when I say that I know how to turn a fucking vibe off. It is unacceptable for it to either be so hard to turn off that I can’t manage it or just not turn off because it is poorly made.

But the box it came in is nice. If you like spending lots of money on pretty boxes, this may be worth it. But otherwise, hit me up and I’ll sell you a vibe for 1/2 the price that is like 100000 better than this high-tech smelly stick.

SO maybe I got some crappy prototype by mistake and the $199 ones you can buy online are amazing***. But what sits in front of me right now smelling up my office is not worth the price I just paid for a bagel and to have this passed off as some innovative technology wonder of the new era of sex toys is just sad. And rage-inducing. ARGGGGG. I’m rageful!

xooxox

*Note I just walked outside my office for like 30 seconds and when I came back in was I overwhelmed with the smell of this thing just sitting on my floor charging.

** I SWEAR it was blue when I got it and now it is green.

*** That’d be great. I’d be thrilled to know that no one is spending hard earned money on this version!

****Well this kinda passed the flame test but I am still not buying this 100% silicone claim due to the smell and the fact that it changed color!