Body parts in the wrong places


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Well, well… look what we have here!

This is a penis with a tongue at the base of it.  His name is Penis Tonguizer. I hope you like looking at it as much as I do.

I’ve been having a hard day here and when this came across my desk, my whole day just brightened up.

So never doubt the healing powers of ridiculous sex toy design.


More Crazy Breasts!

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OMG imagine my delight when I saw this today! Hands, breasts and pussy all in one with pubic hair!

Or wait… is that chest hair? Under-boob hair?

Trifecta is the name of this and I could not come up with a better one if I tried!

This might have to be my christmas present to myself.

Do Your Breasts Look Like This?

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Yes, yes,  the world of sex toys is full of giant shimmery purple penisesstrangely -shaped blue vulvae and all manner of representations of body parts that do not match up with reality, but for some reason I am always struck particularly with Breast sex toys that take liberties with human anatomy.

Partially I think I am intrigued because they are always white-peopled colored and pretty realistic overall, but have these little tweaks that makes them “special” (and partially I think it is because I really like breasts). But I’ve never seen blue boobs, or sparkly boobs (I wish I did) and even the giant boobs are modeled after a particularly well-endowed porn start or another, so as a genre they are sort of unique in the sex toy world.

And as a gift to you, today I’d like to share some of my current favorite Breast Sex Toys:

The first on the left has a channel of bumps in the middle for a more stimulating titty fuck.

The one in the middle has a penetration hole that looks a little bit to me like a misplaced belly button

And the gem on the right is the total package! Boobs, vulva. vagina and a penis! I would not be surprised of the person who designed this thought they were making “the perfect woman”. Just think… you put your penis in her vagina and it pops out between her breasts! My how awesome.

(also, I think it really looks like a funny-lipped alien mask).

You’re welcome!

Your tongue is where?

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Why yes, that is a tongue coming out from under the vagina. What? That is not where your tongue is located?

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but my favorite kind of screwy sex toy squishes body parts together in weird ways like this – and this is a doozy! 1 On the Cock & 1 On the Balls* is designed to.. well let’s hear it from the maker’s mouth:

Every man dreams of fucking two hot broads… and now you can enjoy 1 On The Cock, 1 On The Balls too with this incredible threesome simulator! Made from super-soft Fanta Flesh, this plush pussy masturbator has a tongue located right beneath a set of pretty pink pussy lips, allowing one girl to lick your balls while you fuck the other’s wet snatch.

Classy, eh? This company will be supplying me with blog fodder for YEARS to come I am sure. They are really into terrible copy and freaky deaky toys!

So yeah, what else can I say except that I would love to know how it really feels and if it didn’t retail for $160 or I was rich I’d enlist a guy with threesome experience to test it for me. Cause really, I am just trying to imagine how that would all work in real life…

*Yes, that is the real name of this toy. And I feel like I have to disclose that unlike most things in this Museum, I do not possess this (but maybe someone will get it for me for Christmas!).

(psst.. want something that isn’t so creepy for your solo pleasure? Look here)

Mia Isabella’s Big Secrect Collection

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Oh gosh, I have so much to say about this toy. But first, in case the picture is not worth 1000 words let me tell you more about it.

This is from a line of trans porn star Mia Isabella’s toys and yes, it is a masturbation sleeve that is shaped like a penis with a little butt on the back where the balls would be. It’s proper name is “Fuck My Cock!” In general I am a huge fan of sex toys that smoosh a person’s body down to the most important elements (in this case butt and penis) as I think it makes for some of the weirdest toys out there, and this one does not disappoint!

It is quite a hefty piece of cyberskin penis that I think would be quite unwieldy to actually use (it carries all its weight in the back and is super floppy) and with such a small hole and no other opening, this thing is going to be hard as hell to clean. Yikes.

So from a purely design standpoint, this fails in the general usability and plain old weird-ass design departments.

But it is the concept and marketing of this line which really got me thinking/confused/mad.

On the good side, I think it is awesome to see a trans performer branded line of toys. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a trans woman porn star has had her parts made into a sex toy, but it is the most big deal I have seen made about it (even got a whole glossy booklet about it). But instead of making this some trans-positive line, this company is marketing this more as fetish item, which could maybe possibly be ok, but as I was looking at the line I saw this text describing another item:

From the manufacturer’s website describing:

Mia Isabella Collection: Create Your Own Tranny Strap-On Kit

“Shhhh‚…Your SECRET is Safe With ME! Have you ever fantasized what it would be like getting fucked by a real tranny? How great would it feel to suck a big thick tranny cock, then bend over and let your tight little ass get penetrated by shecock ? With this Create Your Own Tranny kit, you and your partner can live out your most perverted TS fantasies. Strap on the Tranny shecock, slide on the sexy fishnet stockings, put on the sexy lipstick, and get ready for a wild ride! The comfortable strap-on stays in place while the action heats up, and the leather straps easily adjusts to fit most sizes.”

Before I go any further, let me say this: I do not speak for trans women. I speak about this as an ally of trans people and as someone who deeply cares about how all women are portrayed. And I want to add that I do believe it is ok for someone to have a “thing” for trans women as much as I think it is fine to have a “thing” about small boobs, red hair, men over 6″ feet tall or in my case, sociologists & women who ride bikes.

But what bothers me as that while they are “celebrating” their first line of products modeled after a trans woman, they have set it up as a “perversion” in order to sell it to a mainstream audience. And yes, not all the copy from all the products in this line are this extreme, but this company has pissed me off before for having what I view as grossly misogynistic toy descriptions (if you are interested, you can read about that here) not to mention some blatantly misleading packaging (“Made of Silicone” when it is not in fact, made of silicone), so I am not inclined to be very forgiving with them.

So I wonder, is this line of sex toys modeled after (and from) a trans woman progress? Certainly one doesn’t have to advertise this in their store or on their site in the manner the maker lays out. If it were Early to Bed, I’d be able to spin it positively, leave the box out of the picture and actually be ok about it (well not this exact toy). But I know I cannot support a company that posts such really extreme garbage on their website (which many vendors do copy verbatim).


So what do you think? Is Mia Isabella’s Big Secret Collection progress? I’m still conflicted and I’d love to hear some other people’s point of view.