Body parts in the wrong places

Jump Me Jerri

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jumpmejerriWhat is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?

Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.

And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.

 

I love this F’able Hand

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Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.

According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.

Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).

Pure 100% lifelike genius!

I just can’t even think of what to say about this…

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… so I’ll just tell you the details:

• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs

• With a vulva three times the size below it

• It is called FUKPUSSY

• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.

• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”

• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.

So much to love/hate!

Tonguizer

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Well, well… look what we have here!

This is a penis with a tongue at the base of it.  His name is Penis Tonguizer. I hope you like looking at it as much as I do.

I’ve been having a hard day here and when this came across my desk, my whole day just brightened up.

So never doubt the healing powers of ridiculous sex toy design.

 

More Crazy Breasts!

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OMG imagine my delight when I saw this today! Hands, breasts and pussy all in one with pubic hair!

Or wait… is that chest hair? Under-boob hair?

Trifecta is the name of this and I could not come up with a better one if I tried!

This might have to be my christmas present to myself.

Do Your Breasts Look Like This?

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Yes, yes,  the world of sex toys is full of giant shimmery purple penisesstrangely -shaped blue vulvae and all manner of representations of body parts that do not match up with reality, but for some reason I am always struck particularly with Breast sex toys that take liberties with human anatomy.

Partially I think I am intrigued because they are always white-peopled colored and pretty realistic overall, but have these little tweaks that makes them “special” (and partially I think it is because I really like breasts). But I’ve never seen blue boobs, or sparkly boobs (I wish I did) and even the giant boobs are modeled after a particularly well-endowed porn start or another, so as a genre they are sort of unique in the sex toy world.

And as a gift to you, today I’d like to share some of my current favorite Breast Sex Toys:

The first on the left has a channel of bumps in the middle for a more stimulating titty fuck.

The one in the middle has a penetration hole that looks a little bit to me like a misplaced belly button

And the gem on the right is the total package! Boobs, vulva. vagina and a penis! I would not be surprised of the person who designed this thought they were making “the perfect woman”. Just think… you put your penis in her vagina and it pops out between her breasts! My how awesome.

(also, I think it really looks like a funny-lipped alien mask).

You’re welcome!

Your tongue is where?

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Why yes, that is a tongue coming out from under the vagina. What? That is not where your tongue is located?

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but my favorite kind of screwy sex toy squishes body parts together in weird ways like this – and this is a doozy! 1 On the Cock & 1 On the Balls* is designed to.. well let’s hear it from the maker’s mouth:

Every man dreams of fucking two hot broads… and now you can enjoy 1 On The Cock, 1 On The Balls too with this incredible threesome simulator! Made from super-soft Fanta Flesh, this plush pussy masturbator has a tongue located right beneath a set of pretty pink pussy lips, allowing one girl to lick your balls while you fuck the other’s wet snatch.

Classy, eh? This company will be supplying me with blog fodder for YEARS to come I am sure. They are really into terrible copy and freaky deaky toys!

So yeah, what else can I say except that I would love to know how it really feels and if it didn’t retail for $160 or I was rich I’d enlist a guy with threesome experience to test it for me. Cause really, I am just trying to imagine how that would all work in real life…

*Yes, that is the real name of this toy. And I feel like I have to disclose that unlike most things in this Museum, I do not possess this (but maybe someone will get it for me for Christmas!).

(psst.. want something that isn’t so creepy for your solo pleasure? Look here)