My nads hurt just writing about this

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This device came out maybe five or so years ago and is an attachment for your vacuum that you use to… wait for it… stimulate your clitoris. Yes indeed! Just pop this hard plastic tube on the end of your household appliance that suctions up dirt and grime and suction up your clit for fun!

And I’ll be honest –  is late and I’m alone right now with the vacuum cleaner sitting not four feet from me and as I grabbed this toy to write about it I thought.. “hmmmm maybe I should give it a whirl…” then I remembered two things:

#1- turning on the vacuum at 12am would wake up the rest of my sleeping household

# 2-  I did not want this thing anywhere near my goodies.

 I  think we can all agree that for many people suction on their whatnots can feel great. It also can increase blood flow to the area, make it more sensitive, so I get the idea behind this “toy” – to a point. But do you really want to:

#1- Drag out the whole fricking vacuum when it is time to masturbate or get intimate with your partner?

#2- Then attach a hard plastic tube to your goodtime mary? Especially one that has less-than-super-smooth edges and is called “The Introducer?” (The advanced one is is called “The Seducer.”)

You don’t? Hm. Go figure.

Wait you DO want one? Then please.. go right ahead and buy one RIGHT NOW for only $59.95 plus $10 shipping. Do it… I dare you. (Seriously, get one and tell me if you like it!)

It is called Vortex Vibrations and while in the name of “science” I have tried all kinds of sketchy things, still, I am very wary of this doohickey. The website (which honestly, I am amazed is still active) has a lot of warnings including “A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.” (Um… do you know the wattage of your vac?) and seems a little anti-vibrator for my taste (“Unlike a vibrator or a massager which can cause irritation”), so I am taking a pass on giving this a run-though.

But all that said, I do honestly get the idea behind the Vortex, I just think the fact that it ATTACHES TO YOUR VACUUM is nuts. And stupid. And a little gross.

5 thoughts on “My nads hurt just writing about this

    Alison Hoober said:
    August 18, 2011 at 7:43 am

    Ha! Indeed… a bit gross. I pick up cat litter with my vacuum. Not a sexy turn on in the lease.

    Joan Price said:
    August 18, 2011 at 2:30 pm

    I thought I was open to trying just about any kind of vibrator until I read this. Uh… I think I’ll pass on this one. Sounds like fodder for a great cartoon, though.

    Joan Price

    Author of Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex and Better Than I Ever Expected: Straight Talk about Sex After Sixty.

    Join us — we’re talking about ageless sexuality at

    Metis said:
    September 10, 2011 at 9:58 am

    OMG I remember being in an elevator with the woman (yes believe it or not it was a woman) that was so proud she’d invented that. I never saw it but she was very vocal how revolutionary it was- “And everyone has a vacuum!”

      searah responded:
      September 11, 2011 at 12:45 pm

      Ha! We all have blenders too but it doesn’t mean I want to stick my nads in one! : )

    Cooking by Charles said:
    December 28, 2022 at 6:44 pm

    Thanks for this bllog post

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