A long post about penises
Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.
It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.
The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).
What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise), straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?
And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.
And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.
Thank you.
* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.
** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 
July 15, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Wonderful post, Searah! You touch on (so to speak) two big issues: that men with erectile difficulties think that they need a substitute penis to give their partner good sex; and that the available devices are deficient, yucky, maybe a little creepy. I’ll post a link on my Naked at Our Age Facebook page (http://www.facebook.com/JoanPriceAuthor) and send my followers to read this.
July 17, 2012 at 10:18 am
Yes! I mean, there’s so much more to sex than just P –> V (or A)! Not just for the dudes, but also for ladies – we’re *supposed* to have an orgasm just because his P went in our V for awhile. In addition, I’ve come across this in discussions around virginity – especially the “so, are lifelong lesbians virgins?” which are irritating convos yet so very illuminating to our culture and thoughts on sex!
July 19, 2012 at 12:40 am
Common now. Haven’t we gone beyond this? Answer: No! Men have been taught. To paraphrase South Pacific . . .
You’ve got to be taught before it’s too late,
Before you are six or seven or eight,
To know that only your stiff penis will rate,
You’ve got to be carefully taught!
Of course, for most women, that stiff prick does not do the job no matter how big. They want so much more–and not more penis. But don’t blame the men. Women are loathe to tell the guy that he sucks (or doesn’t).
it still shocks me that not only do men not know that there are many more erogenous areas for women (and that they are somewhat uniquely individual), but women themselves do not know. I still get a thrill from instructing a woman to pleasure herself all over for at least half an hour a day for a week and keep mental (or written) note of what “felt good.” They always come back with, “I didn’t know how great the back of my knee feels,” or “I got off when I just touched my [perineum] (They don’t usually yet know that word.)” etc.
September 30, 2012 at 1:41 am
Oxballs makse some good penis extenders too. Still pricey, and oxballs is generally a gay-male oriented gear line, but they are worth looking at if this is something you still get a lot of inqueries about.
October 1, 2012 at 10:51 am
Thanks! I’ve been thinking about looking into those… : )
January 27, 2014 at 11:53 am
It is just a Chinese knockoff of “Old Koteka from Papua new Guinea (penis sheath)” Contrary to popular belief, there is little correlation between the size or length of the koteka and the social status of the wearer. Kotekas of different sizes serve different purposes: very short kotekas are worn when working and longer and more elaborate kotekas are worn on festive occasions.