Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys

Vibe Alarm!

Posted on February 6, 2013 Updated on February 6, 2013

While it has not been the case most of my life, these days I am alarm-free, meaning my 3 year old wakes me up at 6:07am every freaking day so I do not really need an alarm. But when I saw one of my distributors was carrying a alarm clock/vibrator I knew I had to try it. I mean, who would not want to wake up gently with a nice buzz between their legs?

So in the interest of science I ordered one up and then I took a nap. And now I have feelings I need to share.

The Arrival:

Firstly I should mention that this retails for $79. Keep that in mind… I sure did.

When it got to the shop I eagerly ripped open the box to inspect/fiddle with it and the Wake-Up Vibe (yes, that is its “clever” real name) stuck me immediately as cheap. It is very lightweight, which I guess is good for a wearable alarm clock, but not what I usually look for in a quality vibe. It came packed with a blindfold (cute), a storage bag (appreciated, but my life is overrun with them) and a universal charger (great for international travel). I set the clock (easy) then the alarm (a little more tricky) and then threw it my bag to take home.

My first impressions were not glowing: The display is not a pretty as the one pictured on their photo (top). In fact Is it quite ugly (see second real life picture). I am also skeptical of the “covered in the best quality silicone” claim on the box. It feels an AWFUL lot like hard plastic/ABS to me. And did I mention how cheap it feels? Like a $12 vibe. Oh, but it did arrive charged. I like that.

The Nap:

So settling down for my short winter nap I was forced to wear underwear to use this (not my preferred sleep style) so already I was cranky. And yes, it felt like I had a weird hard load in the front of my drawers when I slipped it in. (I am very curious how a small person would find this. It felt big on me and I am big.) But I did manage to fall asleep,and an hour later was gently awoken by this thing in my pants.

It was a far from unpleasant-wake up call and I did actually linger just a little longer in bed… which seems like the opposite of the point of an alarm. Now I hate to admit it, but I require a snooze button* and this ain’t got one, so strike two (or three or whatever number I am on). Then I got thinking,  maybe the snooze button would have been a non-issue if I could have flipped this puppy on high and finished of what it started. But the vibrations are weak and there are no straight vibrations… It is all buzz buzz zip zip patterns making it a huge tease and nowhere near what this lady requires. Overall, I think the chances of me using this again are slim but who knows, it might come in handy somehow, someday.

So to conclude – Eh. full on Eh. If you want a $79 alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and forces you to wear underwear to bed, let me know. I will be thrilled to order you one.

But if you want a vibrator to enjoy pleasurable sensations and possible orgasm, stay away! I am a sex toy hawker, not an alarm salesman, and I could never recommend this as a sex toy. Ever. Ever. Ever.

*There is actually another vibe alarm called the Little Rooster that DOES have a snooze button. But ya still gotta wear unders and there is even more between your legs…