Ouch!
Not your kid’s bouncy ball..
Some things I really don’t need to say much about. But I’ll say this about the Pink Diamond 69:
• Been done. A long time ago. Nothing new here except you cannot take off the toy to clean it. Well actually the handles are new. And not a bad idea but…
• NO ONE IN 12 YEARS OF RUNNING A SEX SHOP HAS ASKED FOR THIS
• PVC
• Seriously one of the worst websites ever. Click here if you dare.. http://pinkdiamond69.com/about-us/
Got $109 and to spend on a fun sex toy? Buy one of these GORGEOUS body-safe dildos.
MustachiO
I’ll be honest – I’m over Mustaches* but when this vibrating Mustache came along… you know I had to get one. Called the MustachiO, this is a vibrating silicone** strap-on ‘stash for a “great mustache ride!”. Ha ha I get it, it’s cute and funny and the will probably sell a buttload as gag gifts but it is a crappy sex toy! And here is why:
• It really easily clogs your nose so you can’t breath
• Having your upper lip/nose/top teeth vibrate can be really unpleasant!
• If you put even a tiny bit of pressure on it while wearing it, there is a sharp hard plastic thing that is pushing into your upper lip and it HURTS
• It is disposable!! And people, silicone does not degrade. Sure, you can keep it around as a fun costume after it stops working, but the packaging heralds it a “Disposable Fun!”, as if there was not enough crap in landfills already.
And probably no one who would buy this really cares all that much about my complaints, cause it is kinda funny, but people please, enough with disposable toys*** and mustaches already.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
* That said, I DO appreciate a dapper mustache on real live person.
** It says Silicone on the package and may well be but it did start in fire when I flame-tested it.
***Full-disclosure, early2bedshop.com does sell one disposable vibrating cockring. I’m not perfect, I know.
Traditional Japanese Dildo
Here is one to make folks with vaginas feel a little ouchy. This a Traditional Japanese Dildo made out of “Genuine handcrafted Giant Elephant Ear “kokeshi” from the Higo province of Japan”. One is instructed soak it in water before use to soften it. But I’m wondering how soft it can possible get. And right now I am super grateful for modern materials and the fact that we get to have dildos made from silicone, glass and other not scratchy things.
On the other hand, I do always love to see how folks got freaky throughout the ages. Dildo history is important!
WowerShower: A F**kable shower head you do not have to clean… or so they say.
“Common sense would suggest you clean it using an antibacterial soap or an approved sex toy cleaner on a regular basis, but due to the way WowerShower works & the environment it operates in, the product is pretty much self cleaning.”
Um self-cleaning? No. No, it is not.
Why would one ever discourage proper cleaning of a sex toy? Sitting around in a shower does not necessarily = clean enough to stick in your vagina or ass.
I’m all for shower fun but please people, can we all agree to clean ALL our sex toys and household objects properly? Great, thanks.
Thanks to Epiphoria for the link!
Your anus is fine just the way it is!
Hey folks, excellent news! You can now buy anal bleaching cream in mini to go packs at your local crappy sex shop! Apparently some companies think there is a lot fo money to be made on convincing you your anus is too ugly for words. And to sweeten the deal, you can even use this cream to lighten you nipples, scrotum or penis. Yea!
Oh I know, some people really want a lighter butt hole or scrotum to make themselves feel better about how they look or for their porn career, and done safely I hear it is not *actually* bad for you.
But really can we just put all this money and energy into promoting the idea that butts, vulvas, penises and such are JUST FINE THEY WAY THEY WERE MADE!
Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.
YOU GUYS!! THIS IS A PIPE YOU WEAR ON YOUR DICK SO YOUR BLOWJOBBER CAN SMOKE WHILE BLOWING YOU!
And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.
To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”
UPDATE 2019: Sadly this does not seem to be available anymore. No more burnt pubes for you!
Heel-Don’t
So my lovely mom has started working in the shop helping me in the office one day a week where I happen have my collection of screwy shit displayed. This sometimes is a source of conversation for us, and yesterday she managed to sum up perfectly what I have been meaning to write about the Heeldoe:
“How is someone going to get that in their vagina? It looks like it ‘d be easy to make a mistake with that and get the dildo in the wrong place. I really don’t get it AT ALL.”
Me either mom. And I tried. I love an innovative harness and thought maybe this had some practical use. Or maybe some adaptive use? But try as we might, none of us could figure out anything even remotely good to say about this, except that it might be an ok ankle brace.
Oh and when I went to their site to grab this picture, I noticed that they now have a Him or Her version (which fit different size shoe sizes. Why not just sm & Lg? Why do they have gender that shit?). Sadly, both versions are out of stock… cause they are SO POPULAR!
For your mane…
Ah dear friends, let me introduce you to this wonder the Vibrating Brush! Technically called the Discreet Sensations Vibrating Hairbrush Plus this combo styling tool/sex toy is not the worst of the worst, for sure, but since it appears to be on its way out (I found it on a discontinued list), I thought it best I immortalize here (and talk shit about it as well) before it disappears forever.
Designed to be uber-discreet, this contraption is a really heavy brush that hides the secret of a removable vibe as the handle. And if having your sex toy disguised as something else is the number one requirement for you, then maybe this is a top choice (contact me quick, I can still get you one). BUT here is where this goes wrong:
1- It weights a TON. To heavy for a hairbrush and too heavy for a vibe that size.
2- It has one lameish speed.
3- It is way over priced for a one-speed vibe (The MSRP is $50. $50!!! ). And the packaging is ugly (like 1980s ugly). At that price I want something just a little classier.
4- THE BUSH TORE MY SCALP UP (while this sat on my desk for a few days I periodically brushed my hair ’cause, well, a hair brush was sitting there but as I sit and write this my scalp still feels raw)
So to sum up: if you are looking for a $50 one-speed super-heavy vibe that looks and acts like a pokey hairbrush… then this is your baby!
But if you prefer quality and value, then maybe you’ll prefer this discreet little number.
Pinecone for your ass anyone?
File this vibrating butt plug under the category Ouch. Made of hard plastic with plenty of sharp angles and small seams, this is the perfect butt toy for anyone who likes it hurty. Or pinecone-y.
And cleaning this? Yeah. I don’t want to think about it either.
The one cool thing about this? Ergonomic gamer-friendly control box. Why the F can’t some awesome toys have that?
psst.. want something not hurty for your butt? Look here!
(Thanks to them who shall remain nameless for contributing this!)
How Did I Miss This Gem?!?!
This is dye for your pussy. To make it pinker. As they say on their site, it is “to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.”
Can I tell you all something? YOUR LABIA ARE GREAT JUST THE WAY THEY ARE!!
They are supposed to be that color and shape and size. No one needs pinker labia and certainly not with a product that does not even list the ingredients on its website.
If you don’t believe me about your labia, check out the gorgeous range of what pussies actually look like in the book I’ll Show You Mine. (link is NSFW… obviously)
And to the manufacture’s proclamation of “There is no other product like it,” I’d like to say thank goodness for that!
(I found this on the frisky in an article about what not to do to your “Vagina” even though I think they meant to say “vulva.”)
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Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 