Ouch!

Today in things I do not want in my vagina..

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This penis sleeve:

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In 14 years of selling sex toys to Vagina-havers I have not had one person ask for something spikey to stick in their snatch. I just …I.. I….

Ora

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Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth-  NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*

Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”

Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.

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Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.

So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.

The. End.

*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.

** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.

 

SnorkelO- god nO!

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52400Dear SnorkelO,

I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Oh, why you ask?…

1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!

2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (

3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!

4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.

5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.

 

XOXo,

Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner

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Not your kid’s bouncy ball..

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“Purple Ball with Double Dild” A steal at $109.

Some things I really don’t need to say much about.  But I’ll say this about the Pink Diamond 69:

• Been done. A long time ago. Nothing new here except you cannot take off the toy to clean it. Well actually the handles are new. And not a bad idea but…

• NO ONE IN 12 YEARS OF RUNNING A SEX SHOP HAS ASKED FOR THIS

• PVC

• Seriously one of the worst websites ever. Click here if you dare..  http://pinkdiamond69.com/about-us/

Got $109 and to spend on a fun sex toy? Buy one of these GORGEOUS body-safe dildos.

MustachiO

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photo (1)I’ll be honest – I’m over Mustaches* but when this vibrating Mustache came along… you know I had to get one. Called the MustachiO, this is a vibrating silicone** strap-on ‘stash for a “great mustache ride!”. Ha ha I get it, it’s cute and funny and the will probably sell a buttload as gag gifts but it is a crappy sex toy!  And here is why:

• It really easily clogs your nose so you can’t breath

• Having your upper lip/nose/top teeth vibrate can be really unpleasant!

• If you put even a tiny bit of pressure on it while wearing it, there is a sharp hard plastic thing that is pushing into your upper lip and it HURTS

It is disposable!!  And people, silicone does not degrade. Sure, you can keep it around as a fun costume after it stops working, but the packaging heralds it a “Disposable Fun!”, as if there was not enough crap in landfills already.

And probably no one who would buy this really cares all that much about my complaints, cause it is kinda funny, but people please, enough with disposable toys*** and mustaches already.

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* That said, I DO appreciate a dapper mustache on real live person.

** It says Silicone on the package and may well be but it did start in fire when I flame-tested it.

***Full-disclosure, early2bedshop.com does sell one disposable vibrating cockring. I’m not perfect, I know.

Traditional Japanese Dildo

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Here is one to make folks with vaginas feel a little ouchy. This a Traditional Japanese Dildo made out of  “Genuine handcrafted Giant Elephant Ear “kokeshi” from the Higo province of Japan”. One is instructed soak it in water before use to soften it. But I’m wondering how soft it can possible get. And right now I am super grateful for modern materials and the fact that we get to have dildos made from silicone, glass and other not scratchy things.

On the other hand, I do always love to see how folks got freaky throughout the ages. Dildo history is important!

WowerShower: A F**kable shower head you do not have to clean… or so they say.

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“Common sense would suggest you clean it using an antibacterial soap or an approved sex toy cleaner on a regular basis, but due to the way WowerShower works & the environment it operates in, the product is pretty much self cleaning.”

Um self-cleaning? No. No, it is not.

Why would one ever discourage proper cleaning of a sex toy? Sitting around in a shower does not necessarily = clean enough to stick in your vagina or ass.

I’m all for shower fun but please people, can we all agree to clean ALL our sex toys and household objects properly?  Great, thanks.

Thanks to Epiphoria for the link!