Stupid

This Vibe Tells You What to Do, Then Comes Real Fast

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Yes, this vibrator, the My Little Secret Talking Head, talks to you. In fact the little man inside it it tells you what to do and then “orgasms” after less than four minutes whether you are ready or not.

Now, as the angry feminist dyke that I am, there is no way I want my sex toy telling me to take off my shirt or that my pussy is “so tight,” then verbally ejaculate after only 3min 45 seconds. (I understand and appreciate that there are plenty of people out there who like that kind of dirty talk and I say “Right On!” but… do you really want your vibe to tell you that?) To be sure it wasn’t just me that thinks that is a short time for solo play time, I polled folks and almost NO ONE said they use their vibe for less than five minutes, so for most users you are going to have a lot of dead air.

The pedestrian, heteronormative gravelly-voiced directions and comments about my body just don’t do it for me. By a long shot.

And then there is the fact that the packaging says this is silicone. Um. No I do NOT think this is silicone. And for the original >$100 price tag, it really should be. Shady!

Apparently when it was made, the idea was that you could order more lovers or have your own record a message for you, which might be more fun, but the company seems to have disappeared and finding one of these nowadays is hard to do. And I know there have been other recordable vibes in the past (none of which I can find being currently made) but this seems to be an idea that never really took off with people who actually use vibrators. But what do you think? Would you want a vibe like this?

Knockers!

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Excuse my french, but these Naughty Knockers are just some of the fucking silliest looking things I have ever seen. Designed to be suctioned onto ones nipples, I suppose the next step is to then try with all your will to look sexy. A slight amount of suction seems to be their only sensual benefit, but the horror of the styling far outweighs the fun. At least in my humble opinion. And I am sure you will be as shocked as I was that they are no longer being made.

The good news is, they do actually make fun things for your nipples that are at least little less silly looking.

Gerbil Vibe. I am not kidding

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Do you remember that old rumor about the Gerbil in Richard Gere’s ass? Well, apparently California Exotic Novelties thought Gerbilling was going to catch on or something ’cause they started making this vibrator that looks like a Gerbil years ago. I remember it from when I first opened Early to Bed and have talked about it many times over the years when speaking about crazy sex toy design. Who the hell wants a Gerbil in their butt (or snatch)? Why make a toy that looks like gerbil at all? When you put it on a flexible stick like this you are just inviting it to be shoved in an ass and I just cannot get the notion of what a real Gerbil would feel… I can’t even finish that sentence. ew.

Anyway, imagine my surprise and JOY when a few weeks ago I noticed that it was STILL in production! I knew I had to get one for my collection before they disappeared forever and people started to doubt my tale of the Gerbilling sex toy.

So here it is… the Gerbil Flex Stimulator™ (note the trademark – don’t go making your own Gerbil vibe). Enjoy!

And if you want something a little less creepy to put in your butt… may I suggest you look here.

Interracial Pocket… “lover”

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After seeing Epiphora’s Post on the Interracial Double Dong I was immediately reminded of this gem sitting on the back of the shelf in my office. This Lexington Steele’s Cyberskin Interracial Stroker and I don’t even know what else to say about this but um, yeah. Crazy.

A Wizard for Your Snatch…

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Here is something for my fantasy-loving peeps! A long ago discontinued vibe from the folks who made the well-love and also-discontinued O’my lube, this here Wizard is just waiting for a trip up your whoo-ha.

Sure, I get that there are lots of folks out there who love a good role-playing games, witches, wizards and the like, but I really wonder how many people want a full-on old man with a pointy hat for a sex toy. Oh wait, I guess NOT MANY as this toy did not last long in production.

And I’d like to add that that nose isn’t going to do anyone’s clit any good and only serves to make this toy stupid in addition to being weird.