A long post about penises
Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.
It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.
The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).
What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise), straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?
And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.
And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.
* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.
** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.
The Biggest Vibrator on EARTH!
OMG look at how big this is! Bigger than a Mini Cooper!
Gotcha! That is just a toy Mini.
But this is a big-ass mutherfucking vibrator. Hopefully the cocktail gives you a little bit more realistic perspective (Old Fashioned made with bourbon, of course).
It clocks in at 12″ long and about 3.25″ diameter (that is a full 11″ around). It runs on EIGHT C batteries and has just one fucking speed. I’m not sure if it was made as a joke or what, but not only is it a bit unwieldy, but also really hard to store so I am a little surprised it is stil on the market (yes! I can get you one for only $80. Email me!). It makes me think of a vibrator that that prop comic might pull out during some vaguely misogynistic joke.
But all that mocking aside, it does provide a type of vibration that is unique to its MASSIVE size and I’ll cop to taking it for a spin once or twice, but it is hard to fit into the sink to clean, so mostly it watches over us as we sleep. Like a good sex fairy or something…
I love this F’able Hand
Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.
According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.
Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).
Pure 100% lifelike genius!
I just can’t even think of what to say about this…
… so I’ll just tell you the details:
• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs
• With a vulva three times the size below it
• It is called FUKPUSSY
• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.
• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”
• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.
So much to love/hate!
This was SO good I wanted to cry
Does it get any better then a fuckable butt with a rose coming out of it? Really, I am pretty sure it does not.
as pointed out below by a smart reader this is actually representing a prolapsed anus which makes it WAAAAAY different in my eyes. And more icky. : (
I liked it when it was just a flower…
Last a lifetime? I think not..
The Last a Lifetime Love Ring is actually a crappy cockring in disguise.
Designed to look like an oversized engagement ring, this pink jelly doohickey* is suposed to be worn at the base of a cock to maintain an erection. So many things about this are just plain silly (but considering who it is made by, surprisingly inoffensive) that I am assuming this is one of those ridiculous “novelties” that is meant to given to a bachelorette, so everyone can laugh and then while out drunk in a bar it gets flicked across the room at some unsuspecting man and lost under a cosmo-soaked table forever.
Or maybe a classy guy is suposed to use it for a really classy marriage proposal: “Hey Honey, I have a question to ask you”, drops pants, woman notices cheap plastic diamond-shaped ring on his cock and replies “OMGYES!!! You are so classy I want to Last a Lifetime with you!”
So maybe it is just a “fun” waste of petroleum and packaging and coal-produced energy, but as a sex toy slinger, I REALLY like it when toys work as intended so more than anything this just makes me mad with its lack of practicality. Sure, one could use this (and I am sure a dude or two have tried), but the jelly it is made of is so flimsy and stretchy that no ones ding dong is gonna “Last a Lifetime” with this. And to me, that is just old-fashioned false advertising.
*Full disclosure: I think this is kinda cute despite how much I hate its existence.
Well, well… look what we have here!
This is a penis with a tongue at the base of it. His name is Penis Tonguizer. I hope you like looking at it as much as I do.
I’ve been having a hard day here and when this came across my desk, my whole day just brightened up.
So never doubt the healing powers of ridiculous sex toy design.
I’m pretty sure whoever designed this was on drugs
Have you seen an uglier sex toy ever?
This has “TONGS” for your labia (which bend but do not really stay bent the way they should) and a hard plastic controller that you strap to your waist that looks like it is poised to put pressure just where you do not want or need it.
Add to that the lack of any real power and a design that just makes me want to barf and you have one stupid sex toy.
The only redeeming thing about this is that they :
1- Use the proper term for Labia
2- Acknowledge that some women might enjoy having their Labia stimulated.
So there IS that.
Luscious Legs: Every Woman’s Fantasy
Ah, this gem is from about maybe 5 or 6 years ago… old enough that the pink color of the crap-ass jelly material is faded to just barely clear. It is a soft, very flexible vibe in the shape of a skinny lady’s gams, called Foot Fetish Luscious Legs Vibrator
And like lots of the foot-oriented things out there, I wonder if the toy designer even knows what a foot fetish is. In all my long years of talking to people about sex, no one has EVER asked for a vibe that looks like tiny feet, or even feet at all. And for that matter, no woman (who this is clearly aimed at) has mentioned her love of having feet all up in her*.
But note on the package that you can choose to have a “soothing” or a “sensual” massage. So at least this is very versatile!
So besides being a pretty lame vibe power & material-wise, this clearly fails in filling any need that anyone has.* I am sure there are some women out there who do like feet in and on their whatnots… they just don’t call me looking for tiny fake feet to shove inside themselves.
My nads hurt just writing about this
This device came out maybe five or so years ago and is an attachment for your vacuum that you use to… wait for it… stimulate your clitoris. Yes indeed! Just pop this hard plastic tube on the end of your household appliance that suctions up dirt and grime and suction up your clit for fun!
And I’ll be honest – is late and I’m alone right now with the vacuum cleaner sitting not four feet from me and as I grabbed this toy to write about it I thought.. “hmmmm maybe I should give it a whirl…” then I remembered two things:
#1- turning on the vacuum at 12am would wake up the rest of my sleeping household
# 2- I did not want this thing anywhere near my goodies.
I think we can all agree that for many people suction on their whatnots can feel great. It also can increase blood flow to the area, make it more sensitive, so I get the idea behind this “toy” – to a point. But do you really want to:
#1- Drag out the whole fricking vacuum when it is time to masturbate or get intimate with your partner?
#2- Then attach a hard plastic tube to your goodtime mary? Especially one that has less-than-super-smooth edges and is called “The Introducer?” (The advanced one is is called “The Seducer.”)
You don’t? Hm. Go figure.
Wait you DO want one? Then please.. go right ahead and buy one RIGHT NOW for only $59.95 plus $10 shipping. Do it… I dare you. (Seriously, get one and tell me if you like it!)
It is called Vortex Vibrations and while in the name of “science” I have tried all kinds of sketchy things, still, I am very wary of this doohickey. The website (which honestly, I am amazed is still active) has a lot of warnings including “A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.” (Um… do you know the wattage of your vac?) and seems a little anti-vibrator for my taste (“Unlike a vibrator or a massager which can cause irritation”), so I am taking a pass on giving this a run-though.
But all that said, I do honestly get the idea behind the Vortex, I just think the fact that it ATTACHES TO YOUR VACUUM is nuts. And stupid. And a little gross.
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