Toe Teezers Candy for Your Feet!

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These here candies have been sitting in my office for years and even though I know some day they will be what brings the mice & vermin, I just can’t toss ’em yet. Made of sugar-coated gummy candy (well it was gummy.. now it is rock-solid) this set comes with two 5-toe candy rings and two single toe rings – cause what most folks have always wanted is sticky, gummy candy between their toes. (wait, isn’t that called Toe Jam?)

Bondage Hands for Your Wiener

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Another of my favorite toys to tote with me to talks… these tiny cyberskin hands are made for guys to fuck. I think you can stick you dick in from the front or the back. I kinda like the idea of the penis poking out through the hands coming from the wrists, but I think the intention is for “her” to be taking your wiener into “her” hands from the front.

Anyway, who really cares how you use it, I just think it is on the little-bit-creepy side. The hands are freakishly small (note the adult manly lady thumb in the top left picture for scale) and for some reason the bondage rope that is the same color as the skin weirds me out. Then again, this whole object kinda weirds me out.

Prince Willy Yum

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So as a general rule I think making sex toys of celebrities without their permission is actually kinda of shady. I totally get that Kim Kardashian, Lindsay Lohan and other celebs are putting themselves out there as people hungry for any fame they can get, but I do thinking that making money off of a fuckable likeness of someone without asking and without cutting them in on the profits is not so cool.

So when I saw this Prince Willy Yum I had a moment of “Should I or shouldn’t I?”. Then I realized that while it had a cartoonish representation of the future king of England on the box, the toy inside had NOTHING to do with an actual likeness of William (except that he probably has a penis) which somehow let me justify getting this for my collection. And yes, I do feel a little dirty for doing so, as I am 99% sure that the Prince of Wales did not approve this nor is he getting a cut of the dough.

But I must say, I kinda love this.  While it fails as a usable a dildo for many reasons (it smells super duper toxic, has no base for using with a harness…) it is pretty fricken funny and I adore the crown (a cockring perhaps?)! The box copy is predictably silly and full of crass jokes (“Enjoy the willie that prim & proper K.T. gets pounded with”..”Experience the shag of a lifetime from the little prince who’s all grown up and ready to rule the MOANarchy”) but as far as mementos from the upcoming nuptials go, this is gotta be one of the best.

So yes, Price Willy Yum has me feeling a little guilty, but I also envision that he’ll have very special place in my collection for many years to come (until at least it disintegrates in to a puddle of goo).

Circa April 2011

A Wizard for Your Snatch…

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Here is something for my fantasy-loving peeps! A long ago discontinued vibe from the folks who made the well-love and also-discontinued O’my lube, this here Wizard is just waiting for a trip up your whoo-ha.

Sure, I get that there are lots of folks out there who love a good role-playing games, witches, wizards and the like, but I really wonder how many people want a full-on old man with a pointy hat for a sex toy. Oh wait, I guess NOT MANY as this toy did not last long in production.

And I’d like to add that that nose isn’t going to do anyone’s clit any good and only serves to make this toy stupid in addition to being weird.

F**kable Mini Wedge Sandal…plus foot!

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This is by FAR my most favorite thing to cart around. If you have seen me speak at your school (or anywhere else) there is a 98% chance you have fondled or seen this toy.

My loves, this is a tiny, cyberskin foot with a tiny, skin-colored wedge sandal that has a tiny mini vulva on the bottom. (I would like to mention that it took a young man from a LGBT group at ISU to point out to my clog-wearing ass what type of shoe this is). I mean, seriously, do I need to explain any more why this is SO WEIRD?

Ok fine… besides just being strange from a design stand-point (why a sandal the same color as the foot? Why so very small?), I also keep wondering who the target audience was. Is it intended for foot fetishists? If so, I think the vulva is extraneous. Is it for shoe lovers? Then why not make the shoe a color that stands out. I donno. I think this was dreamed up by someone on mushrooms and somehow made it into production. And I am so glad it did because toting it around the midwest gives me much pleasure.

Circa 2007 ish

Thanks to PinkSexGeek for getting me the real name of this gem: “Kaylani’s Foot Fetish”.

Ah… the smell of Vulva

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This here Vulva Scent made its way around the internets a while ago, but it is so choice I had to add it here. I’ll say honestly that I was THRILLED when this showed up unannounced once day. Knowing that the chances were about 99.9% that we would not be carrying it, I was excited that we were able to sample it and see if it was as weird as it seems.

And yes.. yes it is. Let me tell you how it smells… pretty much like no vulva I have even encountered.. or want to. On of my employees at Early to Bed said it smelled like horse pee.  It is earthly yes, but from the perspective of everyone I know who smelled it… nothing like the real thing. It does not smell like it came from a body of a healthy person or or a person at all.

BUT  I actually like this product in some way. Hello – at least for once people are celebrating the scent of a woman’s nether regions instead of vilifying it. We are a culture of douche, feminine deodorant spray and the general notion that women smell like fish (although if you google “what does a pussy smell like” you get some pretty positive answers at the top. Yeah!).

American girls and women are often led to believe that our parts are dirty and smelly and you better make them smell like flowers or no one will ever touch you. But it is refreshing (and I must add that this is NOT an American product) to see something intended for men to small while jacking off to remind them of how fantastic women’s bodies are – a far cry from the usual idea that men need giant boobs, skinny bodies and a shaved perfect vulva to be staring at them through the computer screen in order to enjoy their solo time (not that there is anything wrong with that).

So yes, Vulva smells like horse pee, but at least someone is trying to make a product that celebrating vulva yumminess!

Jizz Lube

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Yes I did say Jizz lube. Another out-of-production item (hmm I wonder why?) this lube is supposed to smell just like Jizz! Intended for the gay guy market, no one that I made smell this thought it has any resemblance to what man juice actually smells like. And as someone who doesn’t smell a lot of it, to me it kinda just smelled fruity.

Evey women I know thinks this product is insane, but some of my gay buddies didn’t think it was that bad an idea, just not a great execution.

Finger Fun

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Dismembered Finger Vibe

Folks, please let me introduce you to Dismembered Finger Vibrator! This is one of my oldest Screwy Sex Toys and long out of production (and kicked out of my apartment by my beloved). It is basically a slim one-speed taupe-colored vibe with a rubber digit (smaller than my manly lady finger). I am particularity fond of the  place where the finger meets the vibe.. looking like a bad graft or broken knuckle.

Welcome to my Museum of Screwy Sex Toys!

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My bookcase is topped with some very choice things

For the past almost 10 years I have been stocking away some of the weird/funny/horrible toys that I come across in my day-to-day life as a sex shop owner. My office is overrun with them and some of the toys that are made of seriously sketchy materials are starting to disintegrate, so I thought it was high time I started recording these gems for prosperity.

As I begin this blog & journey, I think back fondly on some of the things you won’t see because my girlfriend threw them out last time we moved – in particular the size F cyberskin boos that lived amongst our plants (but were melting) and the fuckable face with a pierced tongue that greatly entertained kids that came over. Those were some good times. But fear not, I have plenty of fun stuff to show you, so check back often and see what nutty things I find!

And just a disclaimer: these are the opinions of just little old me. If you see something here that you think is hot (or even own) I’m not here to judge you. What each person finds arousing varies greatly and I am coming at these opinions as a queer, feminist sex shop owner with a great love of well-designed, sex-positive, functional sex toys. But hey… if you see something you’d like.. I may even be able to hook you up,  so drop me a line if you want!