Creepy
Booty Glove
According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.
Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea
What is that for you ask? “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”
Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.
Oh Poor Teddy Bear!
Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head. And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!
First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??
Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store. There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)
Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?
Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)
Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.
Also.. OMG CLEANING IT!!
But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.
(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )
UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.
Penis Suit!
Well isn’t this dapper! A little suit and tie made of TPR for your wang.
The Up!® Dress It Up! ™ Cocktail Girth Enhancers™ (seriously, how many trademarks does one toy f’ing need?) are made to make it feel like you have a little more meat than god gave you. And while my lack of a penis prevents me from commenting on how these feel (as well as accessing the power and privilege in society that comes with having a penis) I can tell you my eyes are in LOVE!
I mean who does not want to look at your penis and see this? This will set a new standard people. No more casual dicks!
For the flexible..
“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –
That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.
(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)
Jump Me Jerri
What is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?
Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.
And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.
Finally! The perfect woman!
It has finally happened! They made the Perfect Woman! And she has no pesky head or arms or legs to get in your way.
Blow Job Cock Ring
“Ready for a blow job that can get you both off?”
Um. No, I don’t think so.
I hate to tell the person who wrote that but this “lip”-shaped cocking does not look like a blow job, but more like a cocking (or fish) throwing the dick up, not sucking on it.
Miss. Big old miss on this one.
I love this F’able Hand
Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.
According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.
Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).
Pure 100% lifelike genius!
I just can’t even think of what to say about this…
… so I’ll just tell you the details:
• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs
• With a vulva three times the size below it
• It is called FUKPUSSY
• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.
• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”
• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.
So much to love/hate!
This was SO good I wanted to cry
Does it get any better then a fuckable butt with a rose coming out of it? Really, I am pretty sure it does not.
UPDATE!
as pointed out below by a smart reader this is actually representing a prolapsed anus which makes it WAAAAAY different in my eyes. And more icky. : (
I liked it when it was just a flower…
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Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 