Creepy

Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.

Posted on

Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!

tongue

This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.Tongue

The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…

packging perspective 2014-10-13sm

 

*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.

Yes, I am a feminist killjoy

Posted on

PDRD184

“The deep oral canal is lined with tiny ribs that feel great when lubed up. Face fuck her as hard as you want and for as long as you like without her choking or gagging. When you’re ready to finish, blow your load inside her mouth and watch her swallow every drop!”

Because that is what women are made for…

Another Headless Lady…

Posted on

Some days I am just overwhelmed with how many headless lady fuckable toys there are out there. They even went as far as a neck here but just gave up at the head, I guess. Sigh.

 

ae566-bulk-side_500x252

Also this is 27″ long so have fun stashing that under your bed…

 

Booty Glove

Posted on

According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.

booty_glove_1

Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea

mouth

 

What is that for you ask?  “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”

Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.

Oh Poor Teddy Bear!

Posted on Updated on

teddy_vibe

Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head.  And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!

First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it.  LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??

Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store.  There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase.  LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)

Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?

Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)

Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.

Also.. OMG CLEANING IT!!

But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.

(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )

UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.

Penis Suit!

Posted on Updated on

penis_suitWell isn’t this dapper! A little suit and tie made of TPR for your wang.

The Up!® Dress It Up! ™ Cocktail Girth Enhancers™ (seriously, how many trademarks does one toy f’ing need?) are made to make it feel like you have a little more meat than god gave you. And while my lack of a penis prevents me from commenting on how these feel (as well as accessing the power and privilege in society that comes with having a penis) I can tell you my eyes are in LOVE!

I mean who does not want to look at your penis and see this? This will set a new standard people. No more casual dicks!

 

penis_suit_hat

 

 

 

For the flexible..

Posted on Updated on

ac113-mia-isabella-ride-my-big-cock-bulk-top

“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –

That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.

(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)