Luscious Legs: Every Woman’s Fantasy

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Ah, this gem is from about maybe 5 or 6 years ago… old enough that the pink color of the crap-ass jelly material is faded to just barely clear. It is a soft, very flexible vibe in the shape of a skinny lady’s gams, called Foot Fetish Luscious Legs Vibrator

And like lots of the foot-oriented things out there, I wonder if the toy designer even knows what a foot fetish is. In all my long years of talking to people about sex, no one has EVER asked for a vibe that looks like tiny feet, or even feet at all.  And for that matter, no woman (who this is clearly aimed at) has mentioned her love of having feet all up in her*.

But note on the package that you can choose to have a “soothing” or a “sensual” massage.  So at least this is very versatile!

So besides being a pretty lame vibe power & material-wise, this clearly fails in filling any need that anyone has.

* I am sure there are some women out there who do like feet in and on their whatnots… they just don’t call me looking for tiny fake feet to shove inside themselves.

This Vibe Tells You What to Do, Then Comes Real Fast

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Yes, this vibrator, the My Little Secret Talking Head, talks to you. In fact the little man inside it it tells you what to do and then “orgasms” after less than four minutes whether you are ready or not.

Now, as the angry feminist dyke that I am, there is no way I want my sex toy telling me to take off my shirt or that my pussy is “so tight,” then verbally ejaculate after only 3min 45 seconds. (I understand and appreciate that there are plenty of people out there who like that kind of dirty talk and I say “Right On!” but… do you really want your vibe to tell you that?) To be sure it wasn’t just me that thinks that is a short time for solo play time, I polled folks and almost NO ONE said they use their vibe for less than five minutes, so for most users you are going to have a lot of dead air.

The pedestrian, heteronormative gravelly-voiced directions and comments about my body just don’t do it for me. By a long shot.

And then there is the fact that the packaging says this is silicone. Um. No I do NOT think this is silicone. And for the original >$100 price tag, it really should be. Shady!

Apparently when it was made, the idea was that you could order more lovers or have your own record a message for you, which might be more fun, but the company seems to have disappeared and finding one of these nowadays is hard to do. And I know there have been other recordable vibes in the past (none of which I can find being currently made) but this seems to be an idea that never really took off with people who actually use vibrators. But what do you think? Would you want a vibe like this?

Your tongue is where?

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Why yes, that is a tongue coming out from under the vagina. What? That is not where your tongue is located?

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but my favorite kind of screwy sex toy squishes body parts together in weird ways like this – and this is a doozy! 1 On the Cock & 1 On the Balls* is designed to.. well let’s hear it from the maker’s mouth:

Every man dreams of fucking two hot broads… and now you can enjoy 1 On The Cock, 1 On The Balls too with this incredible threesome simulator! Made from super-soft Fanta Flesh, this plush pussy masturbator has a tongue located right beneath a set of pretty pink pussy lips, allowing one girl to lick your balls while you fuck the other’s wet snatch.

Classy, eh? This company will be supplying me with blog fodder for YEARS to come I am sure. They are really into terrible copy and freaky deaky toys!

So yeah, what else can I say except that I would love to know how it really feels and if it didn’t retail for $160 or I was rich I’d enlist a guy with threesome experience to test it for me. Cause really, I am just trying to imagine how that would all work in real life…

*Yes, that is the real name of this toy. And I feel like I have to disclose that unlike most things in this Museum, I do not possess this (but maybe someone will get it for me for Christmas!).

(psst.. want something that isn’t so creepy for your solo pleasure? Look here)

Gerbil Vibe. I am not kidding

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Do you remember that old rumor about the Gerbil in Richard Gere’s ass? Well, apparently California Exotic Novelties thought Gerbilling was going to catch on or something ’cause they started making this vibrator that looks like a Gerbil years ago. I remember it from when I first opened Early to Bed and have talked about it many times over the years when speaking about crazy sex toy design. Who the hell wants a Gerbil in their butt (or snatch)? Why make a toy that looks like gerbil at all? When you put it on a flexible stick like this you are just inviting it to be shoved in an ass and I just cannot get the notion of what a real Gerbil would feel… I can’t even finish that sentence. ew.

Anyway, imagine my surprise and JOY when a few weeks ago I noticed that it was STILL in production! I knew I had to get one for my collection before they disappeared forever and people started to doubt my tale of the Gerbilling sex toy.

So here it is… the Gerbil Flex Stimulator™ (note the trademark – don’t go making your own Gerbil vibe). Enjoy!

And if you want something a little less creepy to put in your butt… may I suggest you look here.

Fake Hymen

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Yes, I did say Fake Hymen. Sadly I do not have one on these in my physical possession, but the product is so um, interesting, it certainly needs mentioning.

I have to say, I do appreciate the elegant packaging, but not only is the product sketchy from a plain old what-the-hell-is-this-even-made-of standpoint, but also from them whole faking-a-non-reliable-sign-of-virginity standpoint. Doesn’t everyone know by now that an intact Hymen is not a sign of a virgin and a lack of one is not a sign of a someone who isn’t. And the product itself has some funny wording.. “This product is for external and adult use only, do not swallow it.” Good to know that not only is this product (that is designed to be inserted into a vagina) only safe for the OUTSIDE of one’s body, but that you should not eat it. Um, well then I would like to know what the hell this made of! I also think a pretty funny selling point is “Do you like to spice up your sex life?”

But on a more serious note, I was talking about this last night and someone did say to me, “But that item could save a woman’s life” and I do understand that even being perceived as a non-virgin in some cultures is dangerous business. So don’t get me wrong, if someone needs this to prove something to protect herself, by all means, get one NOW. But overall it just breaks my heart that so many people are still clinging to the notion that unless a women bleeds after the first time she has intercourse, she is not a virgin… or that a woman’s virginity is such a precious commodity that people have go out of their way to fake it.

Bondage Hands for Your Wiener

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Another of my favorite toys to tote with me to talks… these tiny cyberskin hands are made for guys to fuck. I think you can stick you dick in from the front or the back. I kinda like the idea of the penis poking out through the hands coming from the wrists, but I think the intention is for “her” to be taking your wiener into “her” hands from the front.

Anyway, who really cares how you use it, I just think it is on the little-bit-creepy side. The hands are freakishly small (note the adult manly lady thumb in the top left picture for scale) and for some reason the bondage rope that is the same color as the skin weirds me out. Then again, this whole object kinda weirds me out.

A Wizard for Your Snatch…

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Here is something for my fantasy-loving peeps! A long ago discontinued vibe from the folks who made the well-love and also-discontinued O’my lube, this here Wizard is just waiting for a trip up your whoo-ha.

Sure, I get that there are lots of folks out there who love a good role-playing games, witches, wizards and the like, but I really wonder how many people want a full-on old man with a pointy hat for a sex toy. Oh wait, I guess NOT MANY as this toy did not last long in production.

And I’d like to add that that nose isn’t going to do anyone’s clit any good and only serves to make this toy stupid in addition to being weird.

F**kable Mini Wedge Sandal…plus foot!

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This is by FAR my most favorite thing to cart around. If you have seen me speak at your school (or anywhere else) there is a 98% chance you have fondled or seen this toy.

My loves, this is a tiny, cyberskin foot with a tiny, skin-colored wedge sandal that has a tiny mini vulva on the bottom. (I would like to mention that it took a young man from a LGBT group at ISU to point out to my clog-wearing ass what type of shoe this is). I mean, seriously, do I need to explain any more why this is SO WEIRD?

Ok fine… besides just being strange from a design stand-point (why a sandal the same color as the foot? Why so very small?), I also keep wondering who the target audience was. Is it intended for foot fetishists? If so, I think the vulva is extraneous. Is it for shoe lovers? Then why not make the shoe a color that stands out. I donno. I think this was dreamed up by someone on mushrooms and somehow made it into production. And I am so glad it did because toting it around the midwest gives me much pleasure.

Circa 2007 ish

Thanks to PinkSexGeek for getting me the real name of this gem: “Kaylani’s Foot Fetish”.

Finger Fun

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Dismembered Finger Vibe

Folks, please let me introduce you to Dismembered Finger Vibrator! This is one of my oldest Screwy Sex Toys and long out of production (and kicked out of my apartment by my beloved). It is basically a slim one-speed taupe-colored vibe with a rubber digit (smaller than my manly lady finger). I am particularity fond of the  place where the finger meets the vibe.. looking like a bad graft or broken knuckle.