Funny
Relax & Fun (for her)
I find it hard to believe that I did not write about this before as I have had this beauty in my possession for years.. so lets call this a Throwback Thursday offering!
My friends, please meet the Relax & Fun for Her Vibration Panty Liner! How may times do you hear Panty Liner and Fun in one sentence!? So the idea being that you can stick this single-use vibe to the inside of your panties for on-the-go-fun. And boy howdy is it one crappy vibrator. So weak. So sad and come on.. what a waste to make a single use vibe!!?
Now the big question for me is why the hell do they include a panty liner??? If you are supposed to stick it your undies, why the extra padding? Maybe for noise reduction? Sexiness? I have no idea but I hate it.
They seem to have rebranded it as the Tingle Me Massager, which is a good move if you ask me and at least it is only $10 (which is still about $9 too much). Check it out.. but be careful.. the bad website design might make you cry.
xoxox
Oh Poor Teddy Bear!
Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head. And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!
First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??
Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store. There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)
Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?
Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)
Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.
Also.. OMG CLEANING IT!!
But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.
(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )
UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.
Penis Suit!
Well isn’t this dapper! A little suit and tie made of TPR for your wang.
The Up!® Dress It Up! ™ Cocktail Girth Enhancers™ (seriously, how many trademarks does one toy f’ing need?) are made to make it feel like you have a little more meat than god gave you. And while my lack of a penis prevents me from commenting on how these feel (as well as accessing the power and privilege in society that comes with having a penis) I can tell you my eyes are in LOVE!
I mean who does not want to look at your penis and see this? This will set a new standard people. No more casual dicks!
Not your kid’s bouncy ball..
Some things I really don’t need to say much about. But I’ll say this about the Pink Diamond 69:
• Been done. A long time ago. Nothing new here except you cannot take off the toy to clean it. Well actually the handles are new. And not a bad idea but…
• NO ONE IN 12 YEARS OF RUNNING A SEX SHOP HAS ASKED FOR THIS
• PVC
• Seriously one of the worst websites ever. Click here if you dare.. http://pinkdiamond69.com/about-us/
Got $109 and to spend on a fun sex toy? Buy one of these GORGEOUS body-safe dildos.
F*ck your iPad!
Let me start by saying (before you go trying to actually purchase this) that the iPunani is not actually in production (yet). It is one of many crazy sex toys that is merely a prototype and may never actually make it into production. Nevertheless, it is screwy and I’d like to talk about it.
So yeah, you slip this case over your iPad, and then put your penis in the hole (there would be two choices of hole style… one more “discreet” than the other) while watching whatever you want on your device. They assume that it will be porn (they are probably right). Pretty simple but my main question is WHY?!?!??!
Think about it -if you are watching porn on your iPad and fucking it at the same time, I think you might get a headache form having to watch your porn moving up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down….
Also you do not have to hold onto your iPad to watch porn, so why not just use a Fleshlight or some other sleeve? That way you can still have one hand free for fast forwarding through the boring parts of porn. Or touching some other part of your body or adding more lube or drinking a martini!
The site says “Enjoy a completely new and exciting sexual experience while having sex with a masturbator and watching porn on a mobile device.” Um HELLO!! People already do that, like all the freaking time.
Can someone, anyone tell me any benefit of those two things being connected??
Why Eiffel Tower, why???
I saw this Eiffel Tower dildo and just had to have one. Who doesn’t want a dildo shaped like the most romantic monument in the world? Um no one. Or at least I don’t think anyone is going to want this one.
-
- Yea it’s romantic!
-
- Dumb base
-
- It is GIANT!
-
- Stupid hollow toy
Yes, it is cute. And made of silicone and a reasonable $40 but guys… it is HOLLOW! And the base is ridiculous and unstable. The base in not comfortable in one’s hand and certainly can not be used to hold any weight. Ugh, this is the kind of toy that I sow wish would be great, but instead it is a pointless piece of plastic… that admittedly may look great on your mantel.
Oh also, here is what the company says about it:
“La Tour est Folle is 100% made in France, right down to its box. It is the crazy invention of artist, Sébastien Lecca, the sensual projection of a playful and provocative vision of a universally famous icon that never fails to stir the imagination. This fun toy is harness-compatible and can hold a small bullet.”
I would REALLY like to know what harness this is compatible with please! For the love of dildo, I wish people who are not sex toy sellers or makers consult those of use who are before launching this kind of crap.
HAPPY MONDAY!
“This is a pulsative penis which is completely different from what you have seen ever before”
Or so the makers claim.
The Magic Bar looks like a drill that thrusts at multiple depths. I like the thrusting idea, but the drill shape combined with the ultra girly colors is not doing it for me. Thoughts?
MustachiO
I’ll be honest – I’m over Mustaches* but when this vibrating Mustache came along… you know I had to get one. Called the MustachiO, this is a vibrating silicone** strap-on ‘stash for a “great mustache ride!”. Ha ha I get it, it’s cute and funny and the will probably sell a buttload as gag gifts but it is a crappy sex toy! And here is why:
• It really easily clogs your nose so you can’t breath
• Having your upper lip/nose/top teeth vibrate can be really unpleasant!
• If you put even a tiny bit of pressure on it while wearing it, there is a sharp hard plastic thing that is pushing into your upper lip and it HURTS
• It is disposable!! And people, silicone does not degrade. Sure, you can keep it around as a fun costume after it stops working, but the packaging heralds it a “Disposable Fun!”, as if there was not enough crap in landfills already.
And probably no one who would buy this really cares all that much about my complaints, cause it is kinda funny, but people please, enough with disposable toys*** and mustaches already.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
* That said, I DO appreciate a dapper mustache on real live person.
** It says Silicone on the package and may well be but it did start in fire when I flame-tested it.
***Full-disclosure, early2bedshop.com does sell one disposable vibrating cockring. I’m not perfect, I know.
WowerShower: A F**kable shower head you do not have to clean… or so they say.
“Common sense would suggest you clean it using an antibacterial soap or an approved sex toy cleaner on a regular basis, but due to the way WowerShower works & the environment it operates in, the product is pretty much self cleaning.”
Um self-cleaning? No. No, it is not.
Why would one ever discourage proper cleaning of a sex toy? Sitting around in a shower does not necessarily = clean enough to stick in your vagina or ass.
I’m all for shower fun but please people, can we all agree to clean ALL our sex toys and household objects properly? Great, thanks.
Thanks to Epiphoria for the link!
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 
