This Vibe Tells You What to Do, Then Comes Real Fast

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Yes, this vibrator, the My Little Secret Talking Head, talks to you. In fact the little man inside it it tells you what to do and then “orgasms” after less than four minutes whether you are ready or not.

Now, as the angry feminist dyke that I am, there is no way I want my sex toy telling me to take off my shirt or that my pussy is “so tight,” then verbally ejaculate after only 3min 45 seconds. (I understand and appreciate that there are plenty of people out there who like that kind of dirty talk and I say “Right On!” but… do you really want your vibe to tell you that?) To be sure it wasn’t just me that thinks that is a short time for solo play time, I polled folks and almost NO ONE said they use their vibe for less than five minutes, so for most users you are going to have a lot of dead air.

The pedestrian, heteronormative gravelly-voiced directions and comments about my body just don’t do it for me. By a long shot.

And then there is the fact that the packaging says this is silicone. Um. No I do NOT think this is silicone. And for the original >$100 price tag, it really should be. Shady!

Apparently when it was made, the idea was that you could order more lovers or have your own record a message for you, which might be more fun, but the company seems to have disappeared and finding one of these nowadays is hard to do. And I know there have been other recordable vibes in the past (none of which I can find being currently made) but this seems to be an idea that never really took off with people who actually use vibrators. But what do you think? Would you want a vibe like this?

China Lube

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This gem is here for a few of reasons:

1- The awful orientalist packaging and name. I just checked and not only is this still in production, the packaging has not been updated at all.

2- The incredibly misleading and stupid copy on the box:

For centuries there has been a special sexual secret known as Chin Dai. This oriental ecstasy potion releases all inhibitions and turns any sexual act into a sensual…orgasmic experience. You can now enjoy this exotic love potion with our new CHINA “Anal lube” the most remarkable product of it’s [sic] kind ever developed…

The most remarkable product EVER? Really? And why is anal lube in quotes? Also propyleme glycol and hydroxypropylmathylcellulose have been around for centuries? Are you sure? How do these ingredients “releases all inhibitions”? So many unanswered questions….

These are some amazing claims for a crappy lube to make, don’t ya think?

3- This is a pretty thin lube. Not what I would recommend for backdoor action. Not that I would recommend this crap for any other place on your body.

Happy weekend!

Your tongue is where?

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Why yes, that is a tongue coming out from under the vagina. What? That is not where your tongue is located?

I am sure I have mentioned this before, but my favorite kind of screwy sex toy squishes body parts together in weird ways like this – and this is a doozy! 1 On the Cock & 1 On the Balls* is designed to.. well let’s hear it from the maker’s mouth:

Every man dreams of fucking two hot broads… and now you can enjoy 1 On The Cock, 1 On The Balls too with this incredible threesome simulator! Made from super-soft Fanta Flesh, this plush pussy masturbator has a tongue located right beneath a set of pretty pink pussy lips, allowing one girl to lick your balls while you fuck the other’s wet snatch.

Classy, eh? This company will be supplying me with blog fodder for YEARS to come I am sure. They are really into terrible copy and freaky deaky toys!

So yeah, what else can I say except that I would love to know how it really feels and if it didn’t retail for $160 or I was rich I’d enlist a guy with threesome experience to test it for me. Cause really, I am just trying to imagine how that would all work in real life…

*Yes, that is the real name of this toy. And I feel like I have to disclose that unlike most things in this Museum, I do not possess this (but maybe someone will get it for me for Christmas!).

(psst.. want something that isn’t so creepy for your solo pleasure? Look here)

Knockers!

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Excuse my french, but these Naughty Knockers are just some of the fucking silliest looking things I have ever seen. Designed to be suctioned onto ones nipples, I suppose the next step is to then try with all your will to look sexy. A slight amount of suction seems to be their only sensual benefit, but the horror of the styling far outweighs the fun. At least in my humble opinion. And I am sure you will be as shocked as I was that they are no longer being made.

The good news is, they do actually make fun things for your nipples that are at least little less silly looking.

Popsicle Vibe

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Doesn’t this look good enough to eat? Well don’t ’cause this is all plastic and mechanics.

I admit I adore looking at this vibe reminiscent of innocent childhood, but as a sex toy, it really isn’t much to drool over.

Made of soft plastic that smells NOTHING like a fruity treat (more like a toxic spill), this vibe has little in the way of power and a shape that might be nice for some, but just a little weird for most. Yes, you could use this for clitoral stimulation which I am sure would be fine (no, this Pop has not been taken for a spin), but the wide and flattish shape would be quite unconformable if inserted in any hoo-ha or whatnot. That said, if there were prizes for Sex Toys That Look The Most Like Food… this would win.

Man, now I really want a frozen treat. For my mouth.

(The real name of this is Waterproof Vibesicle Rainbow Rocket, in case you were wondering)

Gerbil Vibe. I am not kidding

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Do you remember that old rumor about the Gerbil in Richard Gere’s ass? Well, apparently California Exotic Novelties thought Gerbilling was going to catch on or something ’cause they started making this vibrator that looks like a Gerbil years ago. I remember it from when I first opened Early to Bed and have talked about it many times over the years when speaking about crazy sex toy design. Who the hell wants a Gerbil in their butt (or snatch)? Why make a toy that looks like gerbil at all? When you put it on a flexible stick like this you are just inviting it to be shoved in an ass and I just cannot get the notion of what a real Gerbil would feel… I can’t even finish that sentence. ew.

Anyway, imagine my surprise and JOY when a few weeks ago I noticed that it was STILL in production! I knew I had to get one for my collection before they disappeared forever and people started to doubt my tale of the Gerbilling sex toy.

So here it is… the Gerbil Flex Stimulator™ (note the trademark – don’t go making your own Gerbil vibe). Enjoy!

And if you want something a little less creepy to put in your butt… may I suggest you look here.

Fake Hymen

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Yes, I did say Fake Hymen. Sadly I do not have one on these in my physical possession, but the product is so um, interesting, it certainly needs mentioning.

I have to say, I do appreciate the elegant packaging, but not only is the product sketchy from a plain old what-the-hell-is-this-even-made-of standpoint, but also from them whole faking-a-non-reliable-sign-of-virginity standpoint. Doesn’t everyone know by now that an intact Hymen is not a sign of a virgin and a lack of one is not a sign of a someone who isn’t. And the product itself has some funny wording.. “This product is for external and adult use only, do not swallow it.” Good to know that not only is this product (that is designed to be inserted into a vagina) only safe for the OUTSIDE of one’s body, but that you should not eat it. Um, well then I would like to know what the hell this made of! I also think a pretty funny selling point is “Do you like to spice up your sex life?”

But on a more serious note, I was talking about this last night and someone did say to me, “But that item could save a woman’s life” and I do understand that even being perceived as a non-virgin in some cultures is dangerous business. So don’t get me wrong, if someone needs this to prove something to protect herself, by all means, get one NOW. But overall it just breaks my heart that so many people are still clinging to the notion that unless a women bleeds after the first time she has intercourse, she is not a virgin… or that a woman’s virginity is such a precious commodity that people have go out of their way to fake it.

Zoe.. Your High Priced Call Girl in a Box

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Zoe comes to us from Topco, maker of many nice, usable sex toys.. but this male masturbation item is in a class all by itself.

Weighing in at 2.5 pounds, Zoe is really beautifully detailed and comes complete with all kinda of stats. She is a lady of the evening, you see, so before you stick your dick in her tiny tiny pussy, you should know this floppy cyberkin sculpture speaks Dutch, English, French, Italian & German, likes Vodka tonics with lemon (please be sure she gets one) and is $350 (I assume USD) per hour.

As office art, I LOVE her. She is so relaxed, has great breasts and even a little bit of realistic fat rolls. But as a fuckable piece of plastic, I think this toy misses some marks. Is is hard enough to pick it up and hold it to photograph it, I can’t imagine keeping my grip on it while fucking it. And the “love hole” is just comically small.

But it looks like a lot of thought and design went into it, so you can’t knock that aspect. And there are others in the series so if you tire of Zoe’s taste for Japanese food or social smoking, you can always get another model.

Circa 2011

Mia Isabella’s Big Secrect Collection

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Oh gosh, I have so much to say about this toy. But first, in case the picture is not worth 1000 words let me tell you more about it.

This is from a line of trans porn star Mia Isabella’s toys and yes, it is a masturbation sleeve that is shaped like a penis with a little butt on the back where the balls would be. It’s proper name is “Fuck My Cock!” In general I am a huge fan of sex toys that smoosh a person’s body down to the most important elements (in this case butt and penis) as I think it makes for some of the weirdest toys out there, and this one does not disappoint!

It is quite a hefty piece of cyberskin penis that I think would be quite unwieldy to actually use (it carries all its weight in the back and is super floppy) and with such a small hole and no other opening, this thing is going to be hard as hell to clean. Yikes.

So from a purely design standpoint, this fails in the general usability and plain old weird-ass design departments.

But it is the concept and marketing of this line which really got me thinking/confused/mad.

On the good side, I think it is awesome to see a trans performer branded line of toys. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a trans woman porn star has had her parts made into a sex toy, but it is the most big deal I have seen made about it (even got a whole glossy booklet about it). But instead of making this some trans-positive line, this company is marketing this more as fetish item, which could maybe possibly be ok, but as I was looking at the line I saw this text describing another item:

From the manufacturer’s website describing:

Mia Isabella Collection: Create Your Own Tranny Strap-On Kit

“Shhhh‚…Your SECRET is Safe With ME! Have you ever fantasized what it would be like getting fucked by a real tranny? How great would it feel to suck a big thick tranny cock, then bend over and let your tight little ass get penetrated by shecock ? With this Create Your Own Tranny kit, you and your partner can live out your most perverted TS fantasies. Strap on the Tranny shecock, slide on the sexy fishnet stockings, put on the sexy lipstick, and get ready for a wild ride! The comfortable strap-on stays in place while the action heats up, and the leather straps easily adjusts to fit most sizes.”

Before I go any further, let me say this: I do not speak for trans women. I speak about this as an ally of trans people and as someone who deeply cares about how all women are portrayed. And I want to add that I do believe it is ok for someone to have a “thing” for trans women as much as I think it is fine to have a “thing” about small boobs, red hair, men over 6″ feet tall or in my case, sociologists & women who ride bikes.

But what bothers me as that while they are “celebrating” their first line of products modeled after a trans woman, they have set it up as a “perversion” in order to sell it to a mainstream audience. And yes, not all the copy from all the products in this line are this extreme, but this company has pissed me off before for having what I view as grossly misogynistic toy descriptions (if you are interested, you can read about that here) not to mention some blatantly misleading packaging (“Made of Silicone” when it is not in fact, made of silicone), so I am not inclined to be very forgiving with them.

So I wonder, is this line of sex toys modeled after (and from) a trans woman progress? Certainly one doesn’t have to advertise this in their store or on their site in the manner the maker lays out. If it were Early to Bed, I’d be able to spin it positively, leave the box out of the picture and actually be ok about it (well not this exact toy). But I know I cannot support a company that posts such really extreme garbage on their website (which many vendors do copy verbatim).

*sigh*

So what do you think? Is Mia Isabella’s Big Secret Collection progress? I’m still conflicted and I’d love to hear some other people’s point of view.

Interracial Pocket… “lover”

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After seeing Epiphora’s Post on the Interracial Double Dong I was immediately reminded of this gem sitting on the back of the shelf in my office. This Lexington Steele’s Cyberskin Interracial Stroker and I don’t even know what else to say about this but um, yeah. Crazy.