Traditional Japanese Dildo
Here is one to make folks with vaginas feel a little ouchy. This a Traditional Japanese Dildo made out of “Genuine handcrafted Giant Elephant Ear “kokeshi” from the Higo province of Japan”. One is instructed soak it in water before use to soften it. But I’m wondering how soft it can possible get. And right now I am super grateful for modern materials and the fact that we get to have dildos made from silicone, glass and other not scratchy things.
On the other hand, I do always love to see how folks got freaky throughout the ages. Dildo history is important!
WowerShower: A F**kable shower head you do not have to clean… or so they say.
“Common sense would suggest you clean it using an antibacterial soap or an approved sex toy cleaner on a regular basis, but due to the way WowerShower works & the environment it operates in, the product is pretty much self cleaning.”
Um self-cleaning? No. No, it is not.
Why would one ever discourage proper cleaning of a sex toy? Sitting around in a shower does not necessarily = clean enough to stick in your vagina or ass.
I’m all for shower fun but please people, can we all agree to clean ALL our sex toys and household objects properly? Great, thanks.
Thanks to Epiphoria for the link!
Your anus is fine just the way it is!
Hey folks, excellent news! You can now buy anal bleaching cream in mini to go packs at your local crappy sex shop! Apparently some companies think there is a lot fo money to be made on convincing you your anus is too ugly for words. And to sweeten the deal, you can even use this cream to lighten you nipples, scrotum or penis. Yea!
Oh I know, some people really want a lighter butt hole or scrotum to make themselves feel better about how they look or for their porn career, and done safely I hear it is not *actually* bad for you.
But really can we just put all this money and energy into promoting the idea that butts, vulvas, penises and such are JUST FINE THEY WAY THEY WERE MADE!
Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.
YOU GUYS!! THIS IS A PIPE YOU WEAR ON YOUR DICK SO YOUR BLOWJOBBER CAN SMOKE WHILE BLOWING YOU!
And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.
To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”
UPDATE 2019: Sadly this does not seem to be available anymore. No more burnt pubes for you!
Heel-Don’t
So my lovely mom has started working in the shop helping me in the office one day a week where I happen have my collection of screwy shit displayed. This sometimes is a source of conversation for us, and yesterday she managed to sum up perfectly what I have been meaning to write about the Heeldoe:
“How is someone going to get that in their vagina? It looks like it ‘d be easy to make a mistake with that and get the dildo in the wrong place. I really don’t get it AT ALL.”
Me either mom. And I tried. I love an innovative harness and thought maybe this had some practical use. Or maybe some adaptive use? But try as we might, none of us could figure out anything even remotely good to say about this, except that it might be an ok ankle brace.
Oh and when I went to their site to grab this picture, I noticed that they now have a Him or Her version (which fit different size shoe sizes. Why not just sm & Lg? Why do they have gender that shit?). Sadly, both versions are out of stock… cause they are SO POPULAR!
For the flexible..
“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –
That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.
(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)
Jump Me Jerri
What is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?
Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.
And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.
Finally! The perfect woman!
It has finally happened! They made the Perfect Woman! And she has no pesky head or arms or legs to get in your way.
Vibe Alarm!
While it has not been the case most of my life, these days I am alarm-free, meaning my 3 year old wakes me up at 6:07am every freaking day so I do not really need an alarm. But when I saw one of my distributors was carrying a alarm clock/vibrator I knew I had to try it. I mean, who would not want to wake up gently with a nice buzz between their legs?
So in the interest of science I ordered one up and then I took a nap. And now I have feelings I need to share.
The Arrival:
Firstly I should mention that this retails for $79. Keep that in mind… I sure did.
When it got to the shop I eagerly ripped open the box to inspect/fiddle with it and the Wake-Up Vibe (yes, that is its “clever” real name) stuck me immediately as cheap. It is very lightweight, which I guess is good for a wearable alarm clock, but not what I usually look for in a quality vibe. It came packed with a blindfold (cute), a storage bag (appreciated, but my life is overrun with them) and a universal charger (great for international travel). I set the clock (easy) then the alarm (a little more tricky) and then threw it my bag to take home.
My first impressions were not glowing: The display is not a pretty as the one pictured on their photo (top). In fact Is it quite ugly (see second real life picture). I am also skeptical of the “covered in the best quality silicone” claim on the box. It feels an AWFUL lot like hard plastic/ABS to me. And did I mention how cheap it feels? Like a $12 vibe. Oh, but it did arrive charged. I like that.
The Nap:
So settling down for my short winter nap I was forced to wear underwear to use this (not my preferred sleep style) so already I was cranky. And yes, it felt like I had a weird hard load in the front of my drawers when I slipped it in. (I am very curious how a small person would find this. It felt big on me and I am big.) But I did manage to fall asleep,and an hour later was gently awoken by this thing in my pants.
It was a far from unpleasant-wake up call and I did actually linger just a little longer in bed… which seems like the opposite of the point of an alarm. Now I hate to admit it, but I require a snooze button* and this ain’t got one, so strike two (or three or whatever number I am on). Then I got thinking, maybe the snooze button would have been a non-issue if I could have flipped this puppy on high and finished of what it started. But the vibrations are weak and there are no straight vibrations… It is all buzz buzz zip zip patterns making it a huge tease and nowhere near what this lady requires. Overall, I think the chances of me using this again are slim but who knows, it might come in handy somehow, someday.
So to conclude – Eh. full on Eh. If you want a $79 alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and forces you to wear underwear to bed, let me know. I will be thrilled to order you one.
But if you want a vibrator to enjoy pleasurable sensations and possible orgasm, stay away! I am a sex toy hawker, not an alarm salesman, and I could never recommend this as a sex toy. Ever. Ever. Ever.
*There is actually another vibe alarm called the Little Rooster that DOES have a snooze button. But ya still gotta wear unders and there is even more between your legs…
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 
