Pinecone for your ass anyone?
File this vibrating butt plug under the category Ouch. Made of hard plastic with plenty of sharp angles and small seams, this is the perfect butt toy for anyone who likes it hurty. Or pinecone-y.
And cleaning this? Yeah. I don’t want to think about it either.
The one cool thing about this? Ergonomic gamer-friendly control box. Why the F can’t some awesome toys have that?
psst.. want something not hurty for your butt? Look here!
(Thanks to them who shall remain nameless for contributing this!)
The Biggest Vibrator on EARTH!
OMG look at how big this is! Bigger than a Mini Cooper!
Gotcha! That is just a toy Mini.
But this is a big-ass mutherfucking vibrator. Hopefully the cocktail gives you a little bit more realistic perspective (Old Fashioned made with bourbon, of course).
It clocks in at 12″ long and about 3.25″ diameter (that is a full 11″ around). It runs on EIGHT C batteries and has just one fucking speed. I’m not sure if it was made as a joke or what, but not only is it a bit unwieldy, but also really hard to store so I am a little surprised it is stil on the market (yes! I can get you one for only $80. Email me!). It makes me think of a vibrator that that prop comic might pull out during some vaguely misogynistic joke.
But all that mocking aside, it does provide a type of vibration that is unique to its MASSIVE size and I’ll cop to taking it for a spin once or twice, but it is hard to fit into the sink to clean, so mostly it watches over us as we sleep. Like a good sex fairy or something…
How Did I Miss This Gem?!?!
This is dye for your pussy. To make it pinker. As they say on their site, it is “to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.”
Can I tell you all something? YOUR LABIA ARE GREAT JUST THE WAY THEY ARE!!
They are supposed to be that color and shape and size. No one needs pinker labia and certainly not with a product that does not even list the ingredients on its website.
If you don’t believe me about your labia, check out the gorgeous range of what pussies actually look like in the book I’ll Show You Mine. (link is NSFW… obviously)
And to the manufacture’s proclamation of “There is no other product like it,” I’d like to say thank goodness for that!
(I found this on the frisky in an article about what not to do to your “Vagina” even though I think they meant to say “vulva.”)
Come Hither
Have I ever mentioned how much I love a ridiculous body parts? Well I do and this tiny hand is no exception.
I ordered this from China when I got my floppy fuckable Hand and it is a suposed to perhaps be a g-spot stimulator seeing as how the hand gesture it is making is the universal Come Hither motion that we we teach folks to use inside the vagina to help find the G-spot*. It is a vibrator, naturally and way too fucking small to reach anyone’s G-spot. And as a vibe, it performs pretty miserably as well. The soft and tiny fingers do nothing for one’s bits.
So on my shelf it its sits, along with the rest of the Island of Misfit Stupid Body Part Toys.
*Want more info on the G-spot? Click here.
Yes pregnant women are sexy but…
… something about My 1st Pregnant Latina Knocked Up Pussy just seems wrong.
Could it be that pussies aren’t actually the part that is “knocked up”?
Could it be the redundancy of “Pregnant” & “Knocked Up” both in the title?
Could it just be the whole package?
Well I’ll tell you what, when I get my hands on one we can discuss this further.
I love this F’able Hand
Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.
According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.
Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).
Pure 100% lifelike genius!
Ultraman!! Vibrator!!
Don’t ya kinda wish you got this for Valentine’s Day?
From my personal collection … this rocket-style Ultraman vibe is at LEAST 10 years old and I think impossible to find these days (nah nah nah).
Kinda crappy as a sex toy so he lives among the pewter crackers and felted heads on my mantle, fated to live out his days wishing he could be used for some more erotic purpose…
HAPPY DAY AFTER VALENTINE’S DAY!!
I just can’t even think of what to say about this…
… so I’ll just tell you the details:
• Those are suposed to be pierced nipples … on boobs
• With a vulva three times the size below it
• It is called FUKPUSSY
• The box has a picture of a mini vibe on it “powerful bullet vibrator!” but no vibe in the box.
• “Juicy Vibrating Orgasms”
• It is marked on the bottom as “Flesh” colored.
So much to love/hate!
This was SO good I wanted to cry
Does it get any better then a fuckable butt with a rose coming out of it? Really, I am pretty sure it does not.
UPDATE!
as pointed out below by a smart reader this is actually representing a prolapsed anus which makes it WAAAAAY different in my eyes. And more icky. : (
I liked it when it was just a flower…
Last a lifetime? I think not..
The Last a Lifetime Love Ring is actually a crappy cockring in disguise.
Designed to look like an oversized engagement ring, this pink jelly doohickey* is suposed to be worn at the base of a cock to maintain an erection. So many things about this are just plain silly (but considering who it is made by, surprisingly inoffensive) that I am assuming this is one of those ridiculous “novelties” that is meant to given to a bachelorette, so everyone can laugh and then while out drunk in a bar it gets flicked across the room at some unsuspecting man and lost under a cosmo-soaked table forever.
Or maybe a classy guy is suposed to use it for a really classy marriage proposal: “Hey Honey, I have a question to ask you”, drops pants, woman notices cheap plastic diamond-shaped ring on his cock and replies “OMGYES!!! You are so classy I want to Last a Lifetime with you!”
So maybe it is just a “fun” waste of petroleum and packaging and coal-produced energy, but as a sex toy slinger, I REALLY like it when toys work as intended so more than anything this just makes me mad with its lack of practicality. Sure, one could use this (and I am sure a dude or two have tried), but the jelly it is made of is so flimsy and stretchy that no ones ding dong is gonna “Last a Lifetime” with this. And to me, that is just old-fashioned false advertising.
*Full disclosure: I think this is kinda cute despite how much I hate its existence.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 