Funny
Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.
YOU GUYS!! THIS IS A PIPE YOU WEAR ON YOUR DICK SO YOUR BLOWJOBBER CAN SMOKE WHILE BLOWING YOU!
And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.
To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”
UPDATE 2019: Sadly this does not seem to be available anymore. No more burnt pubes for you!
Heel-Don’t
So my lovely mom has started working in the shop helping me in the office one day a week where I happen have my collection of screwy shit displayed. This sometimes is a source of conversation for us, and yesterday she managed to sum up perfectly what I have been meaning to write about the Heeldoe:
“How is someone going to get that in their vagina? It looks like it ‘d be easy to make a mistake with that and get the dildo in the wrong place. I really don’t get it AT ALL.”
Me either mom. And I tried. I love an innovative harness and thought maybe this had some practical use. Or maybe some adaptive use? But try as we might, none of us could figure out anything even remotely good to say about this, except that it might be an ok ankle brace.
Oh and when I went to their site to grab this picture, I noticed that they now have a Him or Her version (which fit different size shoe sizes. Why not just sm & Lg? Why do they have gender that shit?). Sadly, both versions are out of stock… cause they are SO POPULAR!
For the flexible..
“The best part is, you can squat on my dick while you slide between my tits and straight into my mouth. Yummy”. –
That seems like quite a feat for one to accomplish, eh? Really, think about squatting on this and putting your penis in her mouth at the same time. My knees hurt already.
(Mia Isabella Ride My Big Cock)
Jump Me Jerri
What is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?
Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.
And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.
Finally! The perfect woman!
It has finally happened! They made the Perfect Woman! And she has no pesky head or arms or legs to get in your way.
Vibe Alarm!
While it has not been the case most of my life, these days I am alarm-free, meaning my 3 year old wakes me up at 6:07am every freaking day so I do not really need an alarm. But when I saw one of my distributors was carrying a alarm clock/vibrator I knew I had to try it. I mean, who would not want to wake up gently with a nice buzz between their legs?
So in the interest of science I ordered one up and then I took a nap. And now I have feelings I need to share.
The Arrival:
Firstly I should mention that this retails for $79. Keep that in mind… I sure did.
When it got to the shop I eagerly ripped open the box to inspect/fiddle with it and the Wake-Up Vibe (yes, that is its “clever” real name) stuck me immediately as cheap. It is very lightweight, which I guess is good for a wearable alarm clock, but not what I usually look for in a quality vibe. It came packed with a blindfold (cute), a storage bag (appreciated, but my life is overrun with them) and a universal charger (great for international travel). I set the clock (easy) then the alarm (a little more tricky) and then threw it my bag to take home.
My first impressions were not glowing: The display is not a pretty as the one pictured on their photo (top). In fact Is it quite ugly (see second real life picture). I am also skeptical of the “covered in the best quality silicone” claim on the box. It feels an AWFUL lot like hard plastic/ABS to me. And did I mention how cheap it feels? Like a $12 vibe. Oh, but it did arrive charged. I like that.
The Nap:
So settling down for my short winter nap I was forced to wear underwear to use this (not my preferred sleep style) so already I was cranky. And yes, it felt like I had a weird hard load in the front of my drawers when I slipped it in. (I am very curious how a small person would find this. It felt big on me and I am big.) But I did manage to fall asleep,and an hour later was gently awoken by this thing in my pants.
It was a far from unpleasant-wake up call and I did actually linger just a little longer in bed… which seems like the opposite of the point of an alarm. Now I hate to admit it, but I require a snooze button* and this ain’t got one, so strike two (or three or whatever number I am on). Then I got thinking, maybe the snooze button would have been a non-issue if I could have flipped this puppy on high and finished of what it started. But the vibrations are weak and there are no straight vibrations… It is all buzz buzz zip zip patterns making it a huge tease and nowhere near what this lady requires. Overall, I think the chances of me using this again are slim but who knows, it might come in handy somehow, someday.
So to conclude – Eh. full on Eh. If you want a $79 alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and forces you to wear underwear to bed, let me know. I will be thrilled to order you one.
But if you want a vibrator to enjoy pleasurable sensations and possible orgasm, stay away! I am a sex toy hawker, not an alarm salesman, and I could never recommend this as a sex toy. Ever. Ever. Ever.
*There is actually another vibe alarm called the Little Rooster that DOES have a snooze button. But ya still gotta wear unders and there is even more between your legs…
This is Kyle
and for just a few hundred dollars you can have sex with him and his CRAZY EYES!
He does have a legless/armless torso and a giant penis, but those eyes! I really find them disturbing.
Also I am totally not into the whole skin-hair look.
But maybe I am just being too judgy…
F’ing Football!
Hey football & lady lovers this one is for you – A football you can fuck! That is right, just like you always dreamed, you can now sink your manmeat into a pussy or ass nestled inside a replica pigskin!
I particularly love the the way the company suggests using it : “This discreet play toy enables you to pass it around at any party until you are ready to “get wild”*…then both ends screw off to reveal an anus on one side (for the more adventurous**) and a vagina on the other.”
So yes, if football gets you hard or you always dream of balls full of pussy, for a mere $35 you can now fuck your football and live out all your manly fantasies. GO BEARS!
* Um really? Is that what guys do at football parties? Toss balls around until they get horny? Who knew?!
** You do no have to be “adventurous” to stick your dick in a pretend anus.
Blow Job Cock Ring
“Ready for a blow job that can get you both off?”
Um. No, I don’t think so.
I hate to tell the person who wrote that but this “lip”-shaped cocking does not look like a blow job, but more like a cocking (or fish) throwing the dick up, not sucking on it.
Miss. Big old miss on this one.
Angry Rabbit = Angry Searah.
I posted a picture of a cockring from this line before on twitter but had to make it an official entry into the museum ’cause well… I wanted to buy one. So I treated myself to a Rude Rabbit and while this is far from the worst sex toy ever it still rubs me the wrong way (which lets be honest, is not to hard to do).
First off, angry sex toys just seem wrong. Sex is fun! Brightly colored vibrating cockrings should feel happy to be there helping out! And really, assuming you are using this as intended* I think you might be implying that providing your partner pleasure is making you mad. So mad your eyes glow red (the eyes on this guy glow red when you turn it on making it seem particularly demonic)? Arrrg!!
And from a functional standpoint, the vibe is W-E-A-K and tiny. Blurg. Yes it is 100% silicone but overall I do not think it would be a very pleasurable toy and that fact alone makes me mad.
But then there are two good things about Rude Rabbit (and its friends). This has an ingenious way to test the batteries without taking it our of the packaging! As a sex shop owner who has had to test like a bajillion vibes over the past 11 years, I adore the idea that you can just stick your finger in a test the (pre-loaded) batteries without having to wrestle with god-awful plastic packaging. So this gets one point for the potential to make my life easier.
Also, as the last picture shows, this can stand up on its own which lends itself to so many picture-taking, art-making possibilities. Now I want the whole line so I can make Angry Cockring Comics! Like having Wicked Walrus and Mad Monkey have a three-way with Angry Rabbit while not so-Happy Hippo watches. Or something like like. If only I had the time…
That is said if you ever want a cockring that doesn’t work that great, looks MAD and has mean red glowing eyes, hit me up and I can get you one.
* A cisgendered man puts it on his penis to stimulate his cisgendered female partner’s clitoris during intercourse
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 
