Jump Me Jerri

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jumpmejerriWhat is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?

Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.

And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.


For your mane…

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Ah dear friends, let me introduce you to this wonder the Vibrating Brush! Technically called the Discreet Sensations Vibrating Hairbrush Plus this combo styling tool/sex toy is not the worst of the worst, for sure, but since it appears to be on its way out (I found it on a discontinued list), I thought it best I immortalize here (and talk shit about it as well) before it disappears forever.

Designed to be uber-discreet, this contraption is a really heavy brush that hides the secret of a removable vibe as the handle. And if having your sex toy disguised as something else is the number one requirement for you, then maybe this is a top choice (contact me quick, I can still get you one). BUT here is where this goes wrong:

1- It weights a TON. To heavy for a hairbrush and too heavy for a vibe that size.

2- It has one lameish speed.

3- It is way over priced for a one-speed vibe (The MSRP is $50. $50!!! ). And the packaging is ugly (like 1980s ugly). At that price I want something just a little classier.

4- THE BUSH TORE MY SCALP UP (while this sat on my desk for a few days I periodically brushed my hair ’cause, well, a hair brush was sitting there but as I sit and write this my scalp still feels raw)

So to sum up: if you are looking for a $50 one-speed super-heavy vibe that looks and acts like a pokey hairbrush… then this is your baby!

But if you prefer quality and value, then maybe you’ll prefer this discreet little number.

A long post about penises

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Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders  and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of  “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.

It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.

The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else  (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).

What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of  flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise),  straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?

And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.

And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE  LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.

Thank you.

* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.

** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.

The Biggest Vibrator on EARTH!

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OMG look at how big this is! Bigger than a Mini Cooper!

Gotcha! That is just a toy Mini.

But this is a big-ass mutherfucking vibrator. Hopefully the cocktail gives you a little bit more realistic perspective (Old Fashioned made with bourbon, of course).

It clocks in at 12″ long and about 3.25″ diameter (that is a full 11″ around). It runs on EIGHT C batteries and has just one fucking speed. I’m not sure if it was made as a joke or what, but not only is it a bit unwieldy, but also really hard to store so I am a little surprised it is stil on the market (yes! I can get you one for only $80. Email me!). It makes me think of a vibrator that that prop comic might pull out during some vaguely misogynistic joke.

But all that mocking aside, it does provide a type of vibration that is unique to its MASSIVE size and I’ll cop to taking it for a spin once or twice, but it is hard to fit into the sink to clean, so mostly it watches over us as we sleep. Like a good sex fairy or something…

I love this F’able Hand

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Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.

According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.

Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).

Pure 100% lifelike genius!

Do Your Breasts Look Like This?

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Yes, yes,  the world of sex toys is full of giant shimmery purple penisesstrangely -shaped blue vulvae and all manner of representations of body parts that do not match up with reality, but for some reason I am always struck particularly with Breast sex toys that take liberties with human anatomy.

Partially I think I am intrigued because they are always white-peopled colored and pretty realistic overall, but have these little tweaks that makes them “special” (and partially I think it is because I really like breasts). But I’ve never seen blue boobs, or sparkly boobs (I wish I did) and even the giant boobs are modeled after a particularly well-endowed porn start or another, so as a genre they are sort of unique in the sex toy world.

And as a gift to you, today I’d like to share some of my current favorite Breast Sex Toys:

The first on the left has a channel of bumps in the middle for a more stimulating titty fuck.

The one in the middle has a penetration hole that looks a little bit to me like a misplaced belly button

And the gem on the right is the total package! Boobs, vulva. vagina and a penis! I would not be surprised of the person who designed this thought they were making “the perfect woman”. Just think… you put your penis in her vagina and it pops out between her breasts! My how awesome.

(also, I think it really looks like a funny-lipped alien mask).

You’re welcome!

I’m pretty sure whoever designed this was on drugs

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Have you seen an uglier sex toy ever?

This has “TONGS” for your labia (which bend but do not really stay bent the way they should) and a hard plastic controller that you strap to your waist that looks like it is poised to put pressure just where you do not want or need it.

Add to that the lack of any real power and a design that just makes me want to barf and you have one stupid sex toy.

The only redeeming thing about this is that they :

1- Use the proper term for Labia

2- Acknowledge that some women might enjoy having their Labia stimulated.

So there IS that.