Why? Just WHY?
SnorkelO- god nO!
Dear SnorkelO,
I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
Oh, why you ask?…
1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!
2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (
3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!
4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.
5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.
XOXo,
Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner
Ready! Set! Squirt!
Let me start by saying that I have no idea if this Watch that can magically make women “squirt” works or not. In fact I don’t care if it does. I just hate it so much. Why, you may ask? Well let me tell you.
Not all people who possess a vagina are the same! God good I get sick of having to say this over and over. The thrust and speed that may make one person “squirt” is not necessarily going to work for everyone. The whole premise of this dohickey chaps my nads as it is replacing communication. So you are watching your watch instead of paying attention to your lover or asking them what they like and what feels good. grrr. I can just see someone using this watch and getting more caught up in making the lights flash than caring about what their partner is feeling. We spend so 
much time at Early to Bed helping people and to be honest, men in particular, understand that just because one women gets off on X, that does not mean another woman will even like X. There is no one toy, technique or watch that makes all women or even MOST women get off or be happy. And this dude with his watch and promises of amazing “squirting” with his technique just makes me want to yell and kick the big log that is our back (I call it my kicking log).
And COME ON GUY… Stop lights do not go GREEN, YELLOW, RED.. they go the other way, buddy. “Squirt, Set, Ready” just makes you look dumb.
Now that I have had to say “squirt” in my head 100 times I never want to hear that word again and I am blaming Marcus London.
Booty Glove
According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.
Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea
What is that for you ask? “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”
Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.
More crowd-sourced wonderfulness
So here we have another crowd-funding campaign enticing us to support yet another “game-changing, patent pending product” called The Glov.
These people seem nice enough, but there are just so many things about this campaign and the product that make me want to scream:
• The design. Oi.
• The idea that holding sex toys is so hard*
• That you have to trust a computer illustration (no prototype yet?)
• The use of “Body-safe” in quotes and the fact that one is TPR which we all agree at this point is not a super awesome material
• “Game-Changing”
• “The Glov represents an important step forward for female self-satisfaction. Masturbation is still often thought of as something embarrassing or dirty for women (it’s 2014 and unacceptable)! By making it easier and more pleasurable for women to use sex toys, we are also empowering women to freely play and do it more often!” – um excuse me, can you please tell how this hideous glove contraption is going to make masturbation less “embarrassing” or “dirty”. MASTURBATION IS EASY ALREADY! SEX TOYS ARE ALREADY FUN!
Sigh. People really need to call me first before launching stuff like this. But good luck to them. For real! Maybe this will make some people REALLY HAPPY and if that is case, congrats.
* Not only is it pretty easy for most people, there are already vibes out there designed to be easy to hold that are more versatile and less expensive.
Oh Poor Teddy Bear!
Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head. And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!
First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??
Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store. There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase. LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)
Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?
Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)
Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.
Also.. OMG CLEANING IT!!
But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.
(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )
UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.
Penis Suit!
Well isn’t this dapper! A little suit and tie made of TPR for your wang.
The Up!® Dress It Up! ™ Cocktail Girth Enhancers™ (seriously, how many trademarks does one toy f’ing need?) are made to make it feel like you have a little more meat than god gave you. And while my lack of a penis prevents me from commenting on how these feel (as well as accessing the power and privilege in society that comes with having a penis) I can tell you my eyes are in LOVE!
I mean who does not want to look at your penis and see this? This will set a new standard people. No more casual dicks!
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Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 