Why? Just WHY?

Ora

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Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth-  NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*

Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”

Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.

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Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.

So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.

The. End.

*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.

** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.

 

Another day, another stupid sex toy.

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So the “brilliant” folks at Pipedream came out with a new line of sex toys that are USB powered. Not charged like tons of awesome rechargeable vibes are, but powered, so you are stuck to your computer. Well,  maybe that is fine because you are watching porn or skypeing with your sweetie while you jack off. But this here vibrating cockring just made me laugh. I love the idea of slipping this on your cock, plugging into your computer then trying to fuck someone while being sure to not dislodge the USB cord! Or pull the computer to the floor! And gee there is a big cord between us that keeps getting pushed into my vagina or tangled in your public hair!

Technology is great and I love when sex toys use new tech WELL, but I feel like folks are starting to just use it to use it and make their products look like Apple products.

Here’s to hoping this comes with a really long cord! And that the USB power offers more power than batteries because otherwise this is 100% stupid.
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SnorkelO- god nO!

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52400Dear SnorkelO,

I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Oh, why you ask?…

1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!

2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (

3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!

4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.

5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.

 

XOXo,

Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner

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Ready! Set! Squirt!

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squirt_1Let me start by saying that I have no idea if this Watch that can magically make women “squirt” works or not. In fact I don’t care if it does. I just hate it so much.  Why, you may ask? Well let me tell you.

Not all people who possess a vagina are the same!  God good I get sick of having to say this over and over. The thrust and speed that may make one person “squirt” is not necessarily going to work for everyone.  The whole premise of this dohickey chaps my nads as it is replacing communication. So you are watching your watch  instead of paying attention to your lover or asking them what they like and what feels good. grrr. I can just see someone using this watch and getting more caught up in making the lights flash than caring about what their partner is feeling. We spend so watchmuch time at Early to Bed helping people and to be honest, men in particular, understand that just because one women gets off on X, that does not mean another woman will even like X. There is no one toy, technique or watch that makes all women or even MOST women get off or be happy.  And this dude with his watch and promises of amazing “squirting” with his technique just makes me want to yell and kick the big log that is our back (I call it my kicking log).

And COME ON GUY… Stop lights do not go GREEN, YELLOW, RED.. they go the other way, buddy.  “Squirt, Set, Ready”  just makes you look dumb.

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Now that I have had to say “squirt” in my head 100 times I never want to hear that word again and I am blaming Marcus London.

 

Booty Glove

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According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.

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Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea

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What is that for you ask?  “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”

Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.

More crowd-sourced wonderfulness

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20140807133515-feat1new_white__copySo here we have another crowd-funding campaign enticing us to support yet another “game-changing, patent pending product” called The Glov.

These people seem nice enough, but there are just so many things about this campaign and the product that make me want to scream:

• The design. Oi.

• The idea that holding sex toys is so hard*

• That you have to trust a computer illustration (no prototype yet?)

•  The use of “Body-safe” in quotes and the fact that one is TPR which we all agree at this point is not a super awesome material

• “Game-Changing”

“The Glov represents an important step forward for female self-satisfaction. Masturbation is still often thought of as something embarrassing or dirty for women (it’s 2014 and unacceptable)!  By making it easier and more pleasurable for women to use sex toys, we are also empowering women to freely play and do it more often!” – um excuse me,  can you please tell how this hideous glove contraption is going to make masturbation less “embarrassing” or “dirty”. MASTURBATION IS EASY ALREADY! SEX TOYS ARE ALREADY FUN!

Sigh. People really need to call me first before launching stuff like this. But good luck to them. For real! Maybe this will make some people REALLY HAPPY and if that is case, congrats.

* Not only is it pretty easy for most people, there are already vibes out there designed to be easy to hold that are more versatile and less expensive.

 

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Oh Poor Teddy Bear!

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Today in crowd-funding sex toys news.. someone is raising money for a teddy bear that basically gives you head.  And boy do they think they have a “game changer”!

First, Teddy Love is discreet and blends in with household furnishings. It can be left out on a bed inconspicuously, without fear of someone finding it.  LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And honestly, wouldn’t you be more mortified if someone found your fuckable bear that your Magic Wand!!!??

Second, Teddy Love is not intimidating to buy online or in a brick and mortar store.  There is no stigma attached to purchasing a Teddy Bear that happens to provide pleasure, unlike bulky and obvious sexual devices, that may be embarrassing to purchase.  LETS GET RIDE OF SEX TOY STIGMA!! And come on, there are a billion sex toys that are neither bulky or obvious. It does not have to be embarrassing to purchase either. Maybe if you would stop saying that it is, people will stop thinking that it is. (psst, ever heard of buying things online?)

Also watch the video where she talks about people walking around with larger visible sex toys everywhere. Where the heck does she live?

Third, Teddy is so cute and lovable you can cuddle and fall asleep with him after he is done pleasuring you with his powerful 10 speed vibrations. BUT DON”T FORGET TO TURN IT OFF! (Also how does this Teddy have a gender and WHY??)

Last, Teddy Love’s controls are located in his ears. Once in place, Teddy Love frees up your hands for other pleasurable activities. Um. that is turn of pretty much any sex toy with controls.

Also.. OMG CLEANING IT!!

But really, I do hope this goes well for then and anyone who wants to screw their Teddy Bear. Also so that I can buy one for my Screwy Museum.

(Want to red more about how much people hate this.. check out Hey Epiphora’s take here )

UPDATE 9/2016: Looks like the website for the company is gone and the Teddy Love Vibe is no more. RIP dumb sex toy.