Funny
Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.
Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!
This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.
The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…
*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.
Well I guess if you have your own pool…
Why not turn your pool noodle into a vibrator?
I can’t really make too much fun of this ’cause who knows, maybe confronted with one in the privacy of my own pool I’d go to town… buuuut from a business standpoint, this Saddle for your Noodle just seems a little to be a little too specific to really take hold of the market for any length of time.
Then again, I thought the Heeldo would disappear in a year, and I was wrong there…
A saddle that retrofits to an aquatic, elongated noodle-type flotation device, in order to convert it into a vibrating and floating sexual assembly. The Gnarly Rider saddle which houses the waterproof vibrator or bullet, provides discreet and quiet fun in the water, offering smooth, soothing vibrations. The Gnarly Rider comes pre-packaged with a 10 speed silver bullet. The medical grade silicone orb tantalizes your clitoris as you float in a state of bliss.
The Gnarly Rider fits most common size noodles (2 3/4″ 3 1/2″ Diameter). The silicone straps are adjustable, allowing the saddle to fit most noodles. Stainless steel rivets hold the straps in place with various size settings. All combined, the Gnarly Rider experience may be summed up as aquatic, erotic perfection. The underside of the Gnarly Rider silicone saddle has been fabricated with an anti-slip finish, keeping it firmly in place on the noodle during use. The Pool Noodles are sold separately.
UPDATE 2/5/2020. Nope, I was right this time! After seeing this on sale for dirt cheap with a supplier, I went to the product’s website to find it gone. R.I.P Pool Noodle Jack Off Thingy
More crap to put in your mouth
What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!
This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!
“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.”
LIES! And questionable grammer!
Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).
The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question. I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.
And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!
Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.
Ora
Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth- NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*
Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”
Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.
Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.
So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.
The. End.
*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.
** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.
SnorkelO- god nO!
Dear SnorkelO,
I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
Oh, why you ask?…
1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!
2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (
3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!
4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.
5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.
XOXo,
Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner
AssTastic Alexis
Really, one of my favorite categories of screwy sex toys are lady body parts that don’t make total sense or look just silly. Today I was struck by AssTastic Alexis and her super-duper round booty. So realistic! I kinda want to use it as a bath pillow….
UPDATE! I have to add this one to this post. It is called “Knees Up!” and it is just so weird…
Ready! Set! Squirt!
Let me start by saying that I have no idea if this Watch that can magically make women “squirt” works or not. In fact I don’t care if it does. I just hate it so much. Why, you may ask? Well let me tell you.
Not all people who possess a vagina are the same! God good I get sick of having to say this over and over. The thrust and speed that may make one person “squirt” is not necessarily going to work for everyone. The whole premise of this dohickey chaps my nads as it is replacing communication. So you are watching your watch instead of paying attention to your lover or asking them what they like and what feels good. grrr. I can just see someone using this watch and getting more caught up in making the lights flash than caring about what their partner is feeling. We spend so 
much time at Early to Bed helping people and to be honest, men in particular, understand that just because one women gets off on X, that does not mean another woman will even like X. There is no one toy, technique or watch that makes all women or even MOST women get off or be happy. And this dude with his watch and promises of amazing “squirting” with his technique just makes me want to yell and kick the big log that is our back (I call it my kicking log).
And COME ON GUY… Stop lights do not go GREEN, YELLOW, RED.. they go the other way, buddy. “Squirt, Set, Ready” just makes you look dumb.
Now that I have had to say “squirt” in my head 100 times I never want to hear that word again and I am blaming Marcus London.
Booty Glove
According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.
Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea
What is that for you ask? “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”
Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.
More crowd-sourced wonderfulness
So here we have another crowd-funding campaign enticing us to support yet another “game-changing, patent pending product” called The Glov.
These people seem nice enough, but there are just so many things about this campaign and the product that make me want to scream:
• The design. Oi.
• The idea that holding sex toys is so hard*
• That you have to trust a computer illustration (no prototype yet?)
• The use of “Body-safe” in quotes and the fact that one is TPR which we all agree at this point is not a super awesome material
• “Game-Changing”
• “The Glov represents an important step forward for female self-satisfaction. Masturbation is still often thought of as something embarrassing or dirty for women (it’s 2014 and unacceptable)! By making it easier and more pleasurable for women to use sex toys, we are also empowering women to freely play and do it more often!” – um excuse me, can you please tell how this hideous glove contraption is going to make masturbation less “embarrassing” or “dirty”. MASTURBATION IS EASY ALREADY! SEX TOYS ARE ALREADY FUN!
Sigh. People really need to call me first before launching stuff like this. But good luck to them. For real! Maybe this will make some people REALLY HAPPY and if that is case, congrats.
* Not only is it pretty easy for most people, there are already vibes out there designed to be easy to hold that are more versatile and less expensive.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 