Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!
This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.
The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…
*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.
What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!
This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!
“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.”
LIES! And questionable grammer!
Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).
The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question. I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.
And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!
Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.
I’m so fascinated by crowdfunded sex toys that sometimes I invest in them just to see what horror they come up with. Sometimes I invest because I think something will be cool. And sometimes I am just not sure how things will turn out. Slaphappy falls into the last category, something that would maybe be cool but that I was also really skeptical of.
Turns out I was right to be skeptical. This toy promised a LOT. G-Spot! Clitoral! Spanking! and more! They managed to raise more than the $15,000 they were looking for so you know there was something appealing about this to the mass market. But this is a big fat Fail in my book and here is why:
1- I like the idea of a flat toy to fit between two folks, but this just does not have the power that many (most?) folks need. And it is buzzy power
2- Ok , so it is flexible which could be fun, but if you are looking for g-spot action you usually need some pressure and when you try to do that with this, it just unbends. And when I tired to get more ooomph from it by pressing externally with it, it bent as well, making me frustrated and worried that it might snap in half (not that it did).
3- It is flat. Have you ever stuck something FLAT in your vagina? Not so great people! Let me guess, the person who designed this does not have a vagina….
4- The slapping part.. actually this part is pretty ok. If you like hitting people with electronics that you could maybe break because you keep hitting people with it. But sure, the hitting sensation is ok.
I’m all for innovation in sex toys, but innovation needs to go hand-in-hand with usability! And power. Always give us power.
Some days I am just overwhelmed with how many headless lady fuckable toys there are out there. They even went as far as a neck here but just gave up at the head, I guess. Sigh.
Also this is 27″ long so have fun stashing that under your bed…
Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth- NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*
Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”
Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.
Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.
So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.
*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.
** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.
So the “brilliant” folks at Pipedream came out with a new line of sex toys that are USB powered. Not charged like tons of awesome rechargeable vibes are, but powered, so you are stuck to your computer. Well, maybe that is fine because you are watching porn or skypeing with your sweetie while you jack off. But this here vibrating cockring just made me laugh. I love the idea of slipping this on your cock, plugging into your computer then trying to fuck someone while being sure to not dislodge the USB cord! Or pull the computer to the floor! And gee there is a big cord between us that keeps getting pushed into my vagina or tangled in your public hair!
Technology is great and I love when sex toys use new tech WELL, but I feel like folks are starting to just use it to use it and make their products look like Apple products.
I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
Oh, why you ask?…
1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!
2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (
3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!
4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.
5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.
Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner
Let me start by saying that I have no idea if this Watch that can magically make women “squirt” works or not. In fact I don’t care if it does. I just hate it so much. Why, you may ask? Well let me tell you.
Not all people who possess a vagina are the same! God good I get sick of having to say this over and over. The thrust and speed that may make one person “squirt” is not necessarily going to work for everyone. The whole premise of this dohickey chaps my nads as it is replacing communication. So you are watching your watch instead of paying attention to your lover or asking them what they like and what feels good. grrr. I can just see someone using this watch and getting more caught up in making the lights flash than caring about what their partner is feeling. We spend so much time at Early to Bed helping people and to be honest, men in particular, understand that just because one women gets off on X, that does not mean another woman will even like X. There is no one toy, technique or watch that makes all women or even MOST women get off or be happy. And this dude with his watch and promises of amazing “squirting” with his technique just makes me want to yell and kick the big log that is our back (I call it my kicking log).
And COME ON GUY… Stop lights do not go GREEN, YELLOW, RED.. they go the other way, buddy. “Squirt, Set, Ready” just makes you look dumb.
Now that I have had to say “squirt” in my head 100 times I never want to hear that word again and I am blaming Marcus London.
I find it hard to believe that I did not write about this before as I have had this beauty in my possession for years.. so lets call this a Throwback Thursday offering!
My friends, please meet the Relax & Fun for Her Vibration Panty Liner! How may times do you hear Panty Liner and Fun in one sentence!? So the idea being that you can stick this single-use vibe to the inside of your panties for on-the-go-fun. And boy howdy is it one crappy vibrator. So weak. So sad and come on.. what a waste to make a single use vibe!!?
Now the big question for me is why the hell do they include a panty liner??? If you are supposed to stick it your undies, why the extra padding? Maybe for noise reduction? Sexiness? I have no idea but I hate it.
They seem to have rebranded it as the Tingle Me Massager, which is a good move if you ask me and at least it is only $10 (which is still about $9 too much). Check it out.. but be careful.. the bad website design might make you cry.
So many years ago, CalExotics made a vibrating vag cam and of course I HAD to have one. While we had fun playing with it, we never used it as a vibe or put it inside anyone’s whatnot. We really just spent a lot of time putting it up in our eyeballs and watching our eyeballs on TV. But then one night we had a party and a fabulous Dominatrix who was there decided to take it for a spin. In the living room. At a party. With no warning. It was great/scary. But the camera was stupid. All you saw was grainy b&w wet looking skin and the vibrations were a joke (that said, I’m honored to have been privy to seeing the inside of Mistress’s snatch).
All that is to lead up to my rant about a new version of the same thing by a new company called Svakom. They foolishly claim it is “The world’s first internal camera vibrator” (note to everyone, do your research. Just because you did not know about something does not mean you invented it) and that “It shares the exclusive right of gynecologist with you”*, whatever the fuck that means.
Anyway, why I am bitching about this? Well because if this is anything like what the old one was like, it is a waste of $180. Think about it, if you are putting this in someone’s vagina (note it is not ass-safe) what are you going to see? Wet walls. Maybe the cervix. Ok I guess that can be exciting. Once or twice. But how many times do you want to watch this? Every time? I doubt it. So then you have paid a lot of money for a simple vibrator.
And lets say you are using it with your lover.. then you have to WATCH TV WHILE FUCKING. Sorry but that would just make me mad. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR LOVER.
In ranty conclusion, I’d stay clear of this unless you are really rich and like crazy stuff. In which case you should call me instead and I’ll sell you really awesome crazy toys instead.
*Watch this video for some great translations that make little sense.
**Ok fine, maybe this would be great for folks who really like to play Dr to add to their medical play chest. Except Dr’s don’t use vibrators on you anymore.