Unmanagable
A long post about penises
Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.
It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.
The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).
What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise), straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?
And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.
And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.
Thank you.
* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.
** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.
The Biggest Vibrator on EARTH!
OMG look at how big this is! Bigger than a Mini Cooper!
Gotcha! That is just a toy Mini.
But this is a big-ass mutherfucking vibrator. Hopefully the cocktail gives you a little bit more realistic perspective (Old Fashioned made with bourbon, of course).
It clocks in at 12″ long and about 3.25″ diameter (that is a full 11″ around). It runs on EIGHT C batteries and has just one fucking speed. I’m not sure if it was made as a joke or what, but not only is it a bit unwieldy, but also really hard to store so I am a little surprised it is stil on the market (yes! I can get you one for only $80. Email me!). It makes me think of a vibrator that that prop comic might pull out during some vaguely misogynistic joke.
But all that mocking aside, it does provide a type of vibration that is unique to its MASSIVE size and I’ll cop to taking it for a spin once or twice, but it is hard to fit into the sink to clean, so mostly it watches over us as we sleep. Like a good sex fairy or something…
I love this F’able Hand
Small details give me so much pleasure. Take this floppy fuckable hand for instance. Note how the slender bracelet and charming ring give it that “life-like” look. Why, this could pass for a real severed hand… until you flipped it over and saw the pretty pink vulva in the middle.
According to the package “100% Image is Lifelike” so you KNOW it looks like a human tiny hand with all the bones removed and a mini vulva where the stigmata should be. The fingers are super floppy, and the whole thing seems really hard to use.
Hard to use as sex toy perhaps, but stick it on the end of a wooden spoon and you have an awesome sea creature/monster to scare people with (which, of course, is what I did).
Pure 100% lifelike genius!
Do Your Breasts Look Like This?
Yes, yes, the world of sex toys is full of giant shimmery purple penises, strangely -shaped blue vulvae and all manner of representations of body parts that do not match up with reality, but for some reason I am always struck particularly with Breast sex toys that take liberties with human anatomy.
Partially I think I am intrigued because they are always white-peopled colored and pretty realistic overall, but have these little tweaks that makes them “special” (and partially I think it is because I really like breasts). But I’ve never seen blue boobs, or sparkly boobs (I wish I did) and even the giant boobs are modeled after a particularly well-endowed porn start or another, so as a genre they are sort of unique in the sex toy world.
And as a gift to you, today I’d like to share some of my current favorite Breast Sex Toys:
The first on the left has a channel of bumps in the middle for a more stimulating titty fuck.
The one in the middle has a penetration hole that looks a little bit to me like a misplaced belly button
And the gem on the right is the total package! Boobs, vulva. vagina and a penis! I would not be surprised of the person who designed this thought they were making “the perfect woman”. Just think… you put your penis in her vagina and it pops out between her breasts! My how awesome.
(also, I think it really looks like a funny-lipped alien mask).
You’re welcome!
I’m pretty sure whoever designed this was on drugs
Have you seen an uglier sex toy ever?
This has “TONGS” for your labia (which bend but do not really stay bent the way they should) and a hard plastic controller that you strap to your waist that looks like it is poised to put pressure just where you do not want or need it.
Add to that the lack of any real power and a design that just makes me want to barf and you have one stupid sex toy.
The only redeeming thing about this is that they :
1- Use the proper term for Labia
2- Acknowledge that some women might enjoy having their Labia stimulated.
So there IS that.
Dildo Pogo Stick
Thanks to my friend Metis at Tantus* for reminding me of this fantastic waste of material!
I saw this at a trade show years ago and the item scared me at the time (they had very aggressive trade-show sales folk and really… it looks kinda scary, right?), but I forgot about it until Metis sent me a link to the one of the few places you can still see it. (It has been discontinued so it may be impossible to find it for sale. Try not to cry.)
Once called the Jack Hammer Johnson, this now seems to be going by the name Fantasy Glide. I did some looking around and this item did get a few good reviews from users, so maybe there is something I am missing (like the desire to have an ugly cheap dildo rammed into me in a pogo-stick like manner), but overall it seems like way too much equipment for what it is.
And as I may have mentioned before (or not, I can’t remember), most of the women I talk to are not looking for a sex toy that replicates constant, hard ramming. Of course, there are exceptions to this and many women like a good hard fuck, but when it comes to solo play time, my 10 years of experience working with sex toys tells me that this is something a was invented by someone who does not have a vagina. In fact, I’d be willing to bet $5 that the person who actually came up with this idea does not have the physiology to use it.**
Also… seriously, where are you gonna store a thing like this?
*Tantus is one of the few companies that makes NO screwy toys. They only make yummy, safe silicone toys and we sell many of them in my shop and on our site.
**OF course I think male-bodied people can make great toys for female parts and female-bodied folks can invent great toys for penises, but sometimes I think you can just look at toy and know that the person who came up with design never tried it on their bits. And yes, you could use this in your ass and everyone has one of those, but the marketing and such makes this clear that it was designed for vaginal use.
My nads hurt just writing about this
This device came out maybe five or so years ago and is an attachment for your vacuum that you use to… wait for it… stimulate your clitoris. Yes indeed! Just pop this hard plastic tube on the end of your household appliance that suctions up dirt and grime and suction up your clit for fun!
And I’ll be honest – is late and I’m alone right now with the vacuum cleaner sitting not four feet from me and as I grabbed this toy to write about it I thought.. “hmmmm maybe I should give it a whirl…” then I remembered two things:
#1- turning on the vacuum at 12am would wake up the rest of my sleeping household
# 2- I did not want this thing anywhere near my goodies.
I think we can all agree that for many people suction on their whatnots can feel great. It also can increase blood flow to the area, make it more sensitive, so I get the idea behind this “toy” – to a point. But do you really want to:
#1- Drag out the whole fricking vacuum when it is time to masturbate or get intimate with your partner?
#2- Then attach a hard plastic tube to your goodtime mary? Especially one that has less-than-super-smooth edges and is called “The Introducer?” (The advanced one is is called “The Seducer.”)
You don’t? Hm. Go figure.
Wait you DO want one? Then please.. go right ahead and buy one RIGHT NOW for only $59.95 plus $10 shipping. Do it… I dare you. (Seriously, get one and tell me if you like it!)
It is called Vortex Vibrations and while in the name of “science” I have tried all kinds of sketchy things, still, I am very wary of this doohickey. The website (which honestly, I am amazed is still active) has a lot of warnings including “A 1200 watt vacuum or above has been unpleasant to all testers.” (Um… do you know the wattage of your vac?) and seems a little anti-vibrator for my taste (“Unlike a vibrator or a massager which can cause irritation”), so I am taking a pass on giving this a run-though.
But all that said, I do honestly get the idea behind the Vortex, I just think the fact that it ATTACHES TO YOUR VACUUM is nuts. And stupid. And a little gross.
Zoe.. Your High Priced Call Girl in a Box
Zoe comes to us from Topco, maker of many nice, usable sex toys.. but this male masturbation item is in a class all by itself.
Weighing in at 2.5 pounds, Zoe is really beautifully detailed and comes complete with all kinda of stats. She is a lady of the evening, you see, so before you stick your dick in her tiny tiny pussy, you should know this floppy cyberkin sculpture speaks Dutch, English, French, Italian & German, likes Vodka tonics with lemon (please be sure she gets one) and is $350 (I assume USD) per hour.
As office art, I LOVE her. She is so relaxed, has great breasts and even a little bit of realistic fat rolls. But as a fuckable piece of plastic, I think this toy misses some marks. Is is hard enough to pick it up and hold it to photograph it, I can’t imagine keeping my grip on it while fucking it. And the “love hole” is just comically small.
But it looks like a lot of thought and design went into it, so you can’t knock that aspect. And there are others in the series so if you tire of Zoe’s taste for Japanese food or social smoking, you can always get another model.
Circa 2011
Mia Isabella’s Big Secrect Collection
Oh gosh, I have so much to say about this toy. But first, in case the picture is not worth 1000 words let me tell you more about it.
This is from a line of trans porn star Mia Isabella’s toys and yes, it is a masturbation sleeve that is shaped like a penis with a little butt on the back where the balls would be. It’s proper name is “Fuck My Cock!” In general I am a huge fan of sex toys that smoosh a person’s body down to the most important elements (in this case butt and penis) as I think it makes for some of the weirdest toys out there, and this one does not disappoint!
It is quite a hefty piece of cyberskin penis that I think would be quite unwieldy to actually use (it carries all its weight in the back and is super floppy) and with such a small hole and no other opening, this thing is going to be hard as hell to clean. Yikes.
So from a purely design standpoint, this fails in the general usability and plain old weird-ass design departments.
But it is the concept and marketing of this line which really got me thinking/confused/mad.
On the good side, I think it is awesome to see a trans performer branded line of toys. I’m sure this isn’t the first time a trans woman porn star has had her parts made into a sex toy, but it is the most big deal I have seen made about it (even got a whole glossy booklet about it). But instead of making this some trans-positive line, this company is marketing this more as fetish item, which could maybe possibly be ok, but as I was looking at the line I saw this text describing another item:
From the manufacturer’s website describing:
Mia Isabella Collection: Create Your Own Tranny Strap-On Kit
“Shhhh‚…Your SECRET is Safe With ME! Have you ever fantasized what it would be like getting fucked by a real tranny? How great would it feel to suck a big thick tranny cock, then bend over and let your tight little ass get penetrated by shecock ? With this Create Your Own Tranny kit, you and your partner can live out your most perverted TS fantasies. Strap on the Tranny shecock, slide on the sexy fishnet stockings, put on the sexy lipstick, and get ready for a wild ride! The comfortable strap-on stays in place while the action heats up, and the leather straps easily adjusts to fit most sizes.”
Before I go any further, let me say this: I do not speak for trans women. I speak about this as an ally of trans people and as someone who deeply cares about how all women are portrayed. And I want to add that I do believe it is ok for someone to have a “thing” for trans women as much as I think it is fine to have a “thing” about small boobs, red hair, men over 6″ feet tall or in my case, sociologists & women who ride bikes.
But what bothers me as that while they are “celebrating” their first line of products modeled after a trans woman, they have set it up as a “perversion” in order to sell it to a mainstream audience. And yes, not all the copy from all the products in this line are this extreme, but this company has pissed me off before for having what I view as grossly misogynistic toy descriptions (if you are interested, you can read about that here) not to mention some blatantly misleading packaging (“Made of Silicone” when it is not in fact, made of silicone), so I am not inclined to be very forgiving with them.
So I wonder, is this line of sex toys modeled after (and from) a trans woman progress? Certainly one doesn’t have to advertise this in their store or on their site in the manner the maker lays out. If it were Early to Bed, I’d be able to spin it positively, leave the box out of the picture and actually be ok about it (well not this exact toy). But I know I cannot support a company that posts such really extreme garbage on their website (which many vendors do copy verbatim).
*sigh*
So what do you think? Is Mia Isabella’s Big Secret Collection progress? I’m still conflicted and I’d love to hear some other people’s point of view.
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Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 