waste of valuable plastic resources

F*ck your iPad!

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Let me start by saying (before you go trying to actually purchase this) that the iPunani is not actually in production (yet). It is one of many crazy sex toys that is merely a prototype and may never actually make it into production. Nevertheless, it is screwy and I’d like to talk about it.

So yeah, you slip this case over your iPad, and then put your penis in the hole (there would be two choices of hole style… one more “discreet” than the other) while watching whatever you want on your device. They assume that it will be porn (they are probably right). Pretty simple but my main question is WHY?!?!??!

Think about it -if you are watching porn on your iPad and fucking it at the same time, I think you might get a headache form having to watch your porn moving up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down….

Also you do not have to hold onto your iPad to watch porn, so why not just use a Fleshlight or some other sleeve? That way you can still have one hand free for fast forwarding through the boring parts of porn. Or touching some other part of your body or adding more lube or drinking a martini!

The site says “Enjoy a completely new and exciting sexual experience while having sex with a masturbator and watching porn on a mobile device.” Um HELLO!! People already do that, like all the freaking time.

Can someone, anyone tell me any benefit of those two things being connected??

Why Eiffel Tower, why???

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I saw this Eiffel Tower dildo and just had to have one. Who doesn’t want a dildo shaped like the most romantic monument in the world? Um no one. Or at least I don’t think anyone is going to want this one.

Yes, it is cute. And made of silicone and a reasonable $40 but guys… it is HOLLOW! And the base is ridiculous and unstable. The base in not comfortable in one’s hand and certainly can not be used to hold any weight. Ugh, this is the kind of toy that I sow wish would be great, but instead it is a pointless piece of plastic… that admittedly may look great on your mantel.

Oh also, here is what the company says about it:

“La Tour est Folle is 100% made in France, right down to its box. It is the crazy invention of artist, Sébastien Lecca, the sensual projection of a playful and provocative vision of a universally famous icon that never fails to stir the imagination. This fun toy is harness-compatible and can hold a small bullet.”

I would REALLY like to know what harness this is compatible with please! For the love of dildo, I wish people who are not sex toy sellers or makers consult those of use who are before launching this kind of crap.



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photo (1)I’ll be honest – I’m over Mustaches* but when this vibrating Mustache came along… you know I had to get one. Called the MustachiO, this is a vibrating silicone** strap-on ‘stash for a “great mustache ride!”. Ha ha I get it, it’s cute and funny and the will probably sell a buttload as gag gifts but it is a crappy sex toy!  And here is why:

• It really easily clogs your nose so you can’t breath

• Having your upper lip/nose/top teeth vibrate can be really unpleasant!

• If you put even a tiny bit of pressure on it while wearing it, there is a sharp hard plastic thing that is pushing into your upper lip and it HURTS

It is disposable!!  And people, silicone does not degrade. Sure, you can keep it around as a fun costume after it stops working, but the packaging heralds it a “Disposable Fun!”, as if there was not enough crap in landfills already.

And probably no one who would buy this really cares all that much about my complaints, cause it is kinda funny, but people please, enough with disposable toys*** and mustaches already.


* That said, I DO appreciate a dapper mustache on real live person.

** It says Silicone on the package and may well be but it did start in fire when I flame-tested it.

***Full-disclosure, early2bedshop.com does sell one disposable vibrating cockring. I’m not perfect, I know.

Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.

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And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.

To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”

UPDATE 2019: Sadly this does not seem to be available anymore. No more burnt pubes for you!


This is Kyle

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and for just a few hundred dollars you can have sex with him and his CRAZY EYES!

He does have a legless/armless torso and a giant penis, but those eyes! I really find them disturbing.

Also I am totally not into the whole skin-hair look.

But maybe I am just being too judgy…

F’ing Football!

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fucking football

Hey football & lady lovers this one is for you – A football you can fuck! That is right, just like you always dreamed, you can now sink your manmeat into a pussy or ass nestled inside a replica pigskin!

I particularly love the the way the company suggests using it : “This discreet play toy enables you to pass it around at any party until you are ready to “get wild”*…then both ends screw off to reveal an anus on one side (for the more adventurous**) and a vagina on the other.”

So yes, if football gets you hard or you always dream of balls full of pussy, for a mere $35 you can now fuck your football and live out all your manly fantasies. GO BEARS!

Um really? Is that what guys do at football parties? Toss balls around until they get horny? Who knew?!

** You do no have to be “adventurous” to stick your dick in a pretend anus.