waste of valuable plastic resources
Well I guess if you have your own pool…
Why not turn your pool noodle into a vibrator?
I can’t really make too much fun of this ’cause who knows, maybe confronted with one in the privacy of my own pool I’d go to town… buuuut from a business standpoint, this Saddle for your Noodle just seems a little to be a little too specific to really take hold of the market for any length of time.
Then again, I thought the Heeldo would disappear in a year, and I was wrong there…
A saddle that retrofits to an aquatic, elongated noodle-type flotation device, in order to convert it into a vibrating and floating sexual assembly. The Gnarly Rider saddle which houses the waterproof vibrator or bullet, provides discreet and quiet fun in the water, offering smooth, soothing vibrations. The Gnarly Rider comes pre-packaged with a 10 speed silver bullet. The medical grade silicone orb tantalizes your clitoris as you float in a state of bliss.
The Gnarly Rider fits most common size noodles (2 3/4″ 3 1/2″ Diameter). The silicone straps are adjustable, allowing the saddle to fit most noodles. Stainless steel rivets hold the straps in place with various size settings. All combined, the Gnarly Rider experience may be summed up as aquatic, erotic perfection. The underside of the Gnarly Rider silicone saddle has been fabricated with an anti-slip finish, keeping it firmly in place on the noodle during use. The Pool Noodles are sold separately.
UPDATE 2/5/2020. Nope, I was right this time! After seeing this on sale for dirt cheap with a supplier, I went to the product’s website to find it gone. R.I.P Pool Noodle Jack Off Thingy
More crap to put in your mouth
What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!
This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!
“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit directly onto the teeth and causes virtually no discomfort or vibration to the mouth or teeth while doing so.”
LIES! And questionable grammer!
Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).
The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question. I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.
And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!
Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.
Yes, I am a feminist killjoy
“The deep oral canal is lined with tiny ribs that feel great when lubed up. Face fuck her as hard as you want and for as long as you like without her choking or gagging. When you’re ready to finish, blow your load inside her mouth and watch her swallow every drop!”
Because that is what women are made for…
Ora
Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth- NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*
Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”
Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.
Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.
So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.
The. End.
*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.
** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.
Another day, another stupid sex toy.
So the “brilliant” folks at Pipedream came out with a new line of sex toys that are USB powered. Not charged like tons of awesome rechargeable vibes are, but powered, so you are stuck to your computer. Well, maybe that is fine because you are watching porn or skypeing with your sweetie while you jack off. But this here vibrating cockring just made me laugh. I love the idea of slipping this on your cock, plugging into your computer then trying to fuck someone while being sure to not dislodge the USB cord! Or pull the computer to the floor! And gee there is a big cord between us that keeps getting pushed into my vagina or tangled in your public hair!
Technology is great and I love when sex toys use new tech WELL, but I feel like folks are starting to just use it to use it and make their products look like Apple products.
Here’s to hoping this comes with a really long cord! And that the USB power offers more power than batteries because otherwise this is 100% stupid.
SnorkelO- god nO!
Dear SnorkelO,
I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.
Oh, why you ask?…
1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!
2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (
3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!
4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.
5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.
XOXo,
Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner
Booty Glove
According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.
Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea
What is that for you ask? “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”
Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.
Relax & Fun (for her)
I find it hard to believe that I did not write about this before as I have had this beauty in my possession for years.. so lets call this a Throwback Thursday offering!
My friends, please meet the Relax & Fun for Her Vibration Panty Liner! How may times do you hear Panty Liner and Fun in one sentence!? So the idea being that you can stick this single-use vibe to the inside of your panties for on-the-go-fun. And boy howdy is it one crappy vibrator. So weak. So sad and come on.. what a waste to make a single use vibe!!?
Now the big question for me is why the hell do they include a panty liner??? If you are supposed to stick it your undies, why the extra padding? Maybe for noise reduction? Sexiness? I have no idea but I hate it.
They seem to have rebranded it as the Tingle Me Massager, which is a good move if you ask me and at least it is only $10 (which is still about $9 too much). Check it out.. but be careful.. the bad website design might make you cry.
xoxox
Vag Cam
So many years ago, CalExotics made a vibrating vag cam and of course I HAD to have one. While we had fun playing with it, we never used it as a vibe or put it inside anyone’s whatnot. We really just spent a lot of time putting it up in our eyeballs and watching our eyeballs on TV. But then one night we had a party and a fabulous Dominatrix who was there decided to take it for a spin. In the living room. At a party. With no warning. It was great/scary. But the camera was stupid. All you saw was grainy b&w wet looking skin and the vibrations were a joke (that said, I’m honored to have been privy to seeing the inside of Mistress’s snatch).
All that is to lead up to my rant about a new version of the same thing by a new company called Svakom. They foolishly claim it is “The world’s first internal camera vibrator” (note to everyone, do your research. Just because you did not know about something does not mean you invented it) and that “It shares the exclusive right of gynecologist with you”*, whatever the fuck that means.
Anyway, why I am bitching about this? Well because if this is anything like what the old one was like, it is a waste of $180. Think about it, if you are putting this in someone’s vagina (note it is not ass-safe) what are you going to see? Wet walls. Maybe the cervix. Ok I guess that can be exciting. Once or twice. But how many times do you want to watch this? Every time? I doubt it. So then you have paid a lot of money for a simple vibrator.
And lets say you are using it with your lover.. then you have to WATCH TV WHILE FUCKING. Sorry but that would just make me mad. PAY ATTENTION TO YOUR LOVER.
In ranty conclusion, I’d stay clear of this unless you are really rich and like crazy stuff. In which case you should call me instead and I’ll sell you really awesome crazy toys instead.
*Watch this video for some great translations that make little sense.
**Ok fine, maybe this would be great for folks who really like to play Dr to add to their medical play chest. Except Dr’s don’t use vibrators on you anymore.
Not your kid’s bouncy ball..
Some things I really don’t need to say much about. But I’ll say this about the Pink Diamond 69:
• Been done. A long time ago. Nothing new here except you cannot take off the toy to clean it. Well actually the handles are new. And not a bad idea but…
• NO ONE IN 12 YEARS OF RUNNING A SEX SHOP HAS ASKED FOR THIS
• PVC
• Seriously one of the worst websites ever. Click here if you dare.. http://pinkdiamond69.com/about-us/
Got $109 and to spend on a fun sex toy? Buy one of these GORGEOUS body-safe dildos.
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Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 