waste of valuable plastic resources

I am smart.

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cascade2Every once in a while a new and “ground-breaking” product comes along and I and after about three seconds I just know it is going to tank*. Yes, I am that smart.

Take the Cascade vibe here. Billed as revolutionary, this vibe performs the onerous chore of applying lube for you. Yep, that is it. It squirts out lube so you don’t have to.

OK, I’ll admit, this is not as epically stupid as the fuckable teddy bear (what? that is no longer available??!?! SEE I AM SMART) but man-o-man, there are some serious issues here. And while it debuted in 2013, their website is gone and this is down to 24% of the original price on my distributor’s website so it seems like I was right again!

Anyway, let’s look at the reasons why this sucked, shall we…

1- The presenting problem it aims to fix: Putting lube on a toy is not that hard!** It’s true, have you tried? It is like super easy to apply to any sex toy.

2- The lube that you are now forced to use: You can only use the lube they provide/make/sell. And guess what the second ingredient is? Glycerin which many folks find irritating. So you can’t use your beloved Sliquid or Sutil or whatever it is that you love with this vibe. Nope. You are stuck with what the makers make for it. So what happens if you don’t realize you are low or out of their lube & you want to get your vibration ON? You can’t just run down to the drugstore and get more lube for this gadget. You are then stuck having to apply the lube manually and you are RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU STARTED.

Plus now that the company seems to be AOL, you are SOL when you need more lube for this toy.

3- The price point: The price was too high for the toy. At about $125 retail, this toy feels cheap.. like all the weight and heft is coming from the lube, not the quality parts. Yes sure, it is silicone and rechargeable, but it just feels cheap to me and I hate that. For $125 I want a toy to feel like it worth more than a giant box of Recchiuti chocolates.

4- How this functions as a sex toy. The tip of the toy, once re-assembled after removing the silicone sleeve to insert the lube, is off center. That is not the worst thing in the world for sure, but it is LAZY. Come on! I know from the picture on the box that you did not intent for it to be like that. And how are the vibrations you ask? FUCK IF I KNOW!  I have been charging mine for 4 days it still will not turn on.  So yeah, your lube delivery system is fancy, sure, but if it can’t even turn on to get you off then WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE BOTHER!?

Anyway…. If anyone reading this has some BRILLIANT idea for a “ground-breaking” sex toy, save yourself some heartache and let me tell you if it sucks hard or not. I’m smart.

cascade

 


*Full-disclosure. I thought this might actually be cool for about a week before I learned more about it. Like cool enough to inquire more about it and then decide NAH.

** I can see how one could make the argument that this might be helpful for folks with mobility issues, but you still have to press a small button to get the lube out so I do not think it would not be much help.

 

Suck My Clit…

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IMG_4056Or at least try a little harder.

So I’ll be honest, I’m a fan of toys that provide a nice sucking sensation, so I am always on the lookout for toys that do that, and do it well. I was intrigued by this ill-named number, The Conquestwhich looks kinda like a hair drier and sounds like some horrible mechanical toy or something. But then again, the Womanizer is ugly, loud and has a terrible name and I love it so why not give this a whirl?

Blech. I’d be better off if I hand spent that time watching some show with vampires. I hate shows with vampires.

This boastful toy does NOT have great sucking ability and it has this little plastic thing inside that pushes against your clit. It wasn’t painful but I bet someone who is more sensitive might find that unpleasant at the least. It also did not combine the weak push-n-pull with any vibration which might have helped a lot.

I did however, enjoy filling the toy up with water and letting it get squirted out. If it was waterproof it might make a great bath toy for my kid…

Anyway it was stupid and I am getting sick of toys with dumb names and stupid shit on the box like “The Conquest conquers every women!”. You did not conquer this women you stupid fucking toy.

 

 

Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.

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Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!

tongue

This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.Tongue

The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…

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*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.

Well I guess if you have your own pool…

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Why not turn your pool noodle into a vibrator?

I can’t really make too much fun of this ’cause who knows, maybe confronted with one in the privacy of my own pool I’d go to town… buuuut from a business standpoint, this Saddle for your Noodle  just seems a little to be a little too specific to really take hold of the market for any length of time.

Then again, I thought the Heeldo would disappear in a year, and I was wrong there…

A saddle that retrofits to an aquatic, elongated noodle-type flotation device, in order to convert it into a vibrating and floating sexual assembly. The Gnarly Rider saddle which houses the waterproof vibrator or bullet, provides discreet and quiet fun in the water, offering smooth, soothing vibrations. The Gnarly Rider comes pre-packaged with a 10 speed silver bullet. The medical grade silicone orb tantalizes your clitoris as you float in a state of bliss.

The Gnarly Rider fits most common size noodles (2 3/4″ 3 1/2″ Diameter). The silicone straps are adjustable, allowing the saddle to fit most noodles. Stainless steel rivets hold the straps in place with various size settings. All combined, the Gnarly Rider experience may be summed up as aquatic, erotic perfection. The underside of the Gnarly Rider silicone saddle has been fabricated with an anti-slip finish, keeping it firmly in place on the noodle during use. The Pool Noodles are sold separately.

UPDATE 2/5/2020. Nope, I was right this time! After seeing this on sale for dirt cheap with a supplier, I went to the product’s website to find it gone. R.I.P Pool Noodle Jack Off Thingy

More crap to put in your mouth

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What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!

This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!

“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue  vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit  directly onto  the teeth and  causes virtually no discomfort  or vibration to  the mouth or teeth while doing so.”

LIES! And questionable grammer!

Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).

The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question.  I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.

And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!

Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.

 

Yes, I am a feminist killjoy

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PDRD184

“The deep oral canal is lined with tiny ribs that feel great when lubed up. Face fuck her as hard as you want and for as long as you like without her choking or gagging. When you’re ready to finish, blow your load inside her mouth and watch her swallow every drop!”

Because that is what women are made for…

Ora

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Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth-  NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*

Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”

Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.

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Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.

So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.

The. End.

*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.

** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.