Foot Long Loser

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Skewing this toy is almost too easy as I assume it could not have POSSIBLY been made for actual usage, but as it does go to some great lengths (get it) to make it seem like a real toy, let’s chat about it, shall we?

As you may recall, I do not have a penis, but if I did, I would be hard-pressed to stick it in this contraption of faux meaty weirdness. The material is such smelly crap. The case is really hard to hold with one hand (and I do not have diminutive hands) and there are these strange hard plastic edges that I can only imagine getting stuck in one’s pubes or just banging up again the pelvic bone in a hurtful way. Plus when I practiced finger banging it, the sleeve kept getting stuffed back into the hard hot dog shell.

So yeah, this is like the worst. I mean like a really great “the worst”, one I am so happy to have spent money on for my Museum, but just a terrible sex toy for actually fucking.

 

 

 

 

 

Oh and the box lies all over the place:

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• It is not a foot long

• It is not discreet at fucking all

• There is no way in hell it is silicone

• And you may note that the model’s underwear says “got mayonnaise?” – NO ONE PUTS MAYO ON A HOTDOG AND IF THEY TRIED THAT SHIT IT CHICAGO THEY’D BE SHUNNED*. Shunned I tell you.

And just because this came up when we were talking about this at the shop, is fucking a hot dog something you think is hot?

 

HAPPY HUMP DAY!

*not related to this, I always apologize when I order my kid’s hot dog with ketchup ad it is practically against the law to do so in this city. I find it humiliating to even have to ask.

I am smart.

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cascade2Every once in a while a new and “ground-breaking” product comes along and I and after about three seconds I just know it is going to tank*. Yes, I am that smart.

Take the Cascade vibe here. Billed as revolutionary, this vibe performs the onerous chore of applying lube for you. Yep, that is it. It squirts out lube so you don’t have to.

OK, I’ll admit, this is not as epically stupid as the fuckable teddy bear (what? that is no longer available??!?! SEE I AM SMART) but man-o-man, there are some serious issues here. And while it debuted in 2013, their website is gone and this is down to 24% of the original price on my distributor’s website so it seems like I was right again!

Anyway, let’s look at the reasons why this sucked, shall we…

1- The presenting problem it aims to fix: Putting lube on a toy is not that hard!** It’s true, have you tried? It is like super easy to apply to any sex toy.

2- The lube that you are now forced to use: You can only use the lube they provide/make/sell. And guess what the second ingredient is? Glycerin which many folks find irritating. So you can’t use your beloved Sliquid or Sutil or whatever it is that you love with this vibe. Nope. You are stuck with what the makers make for it. So what happens if you don’t realize you are low or out of their lube & you want to get your vibration ON? You can’t just run down to the drugstore and get more lube for this gadget. You are then stuck having to apply the lube manually and you are RIGHT BACK WHERE YOU STARTED.

Plus now that the company seems to be AOL, you are SOL when you need more lube for this toy.

3- The price point: The price was too high for the toy. At about $125 retail, this toy feels cheap.. like all the weight and heft is coming from the lube, not the quality parts. Yes sure, it is silicone and rechargeable, but it just feels cheap to me and I hate that. For $125 I want a toy to feel like it worth more than a giant box of Recchiuti chocolates.

4- How this functions as a sex toy. The tip of the toy, once re-assembled after removing the silicone sleeve to insert the lube, is off center. That is not the worst thing in the world for sure, but it is LAZY. Come on! I know from the picture on the box that you did not intent for it to be like that. And how are the vibrations you ask? FUCK IF I KNOW!  I have been charging mine for 4 days it still will not turn on.  So yeah, your lube delivery system is fancy, sure, but if it can’t even turn on to get you off then WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE BOTHER!?

Anyway…. If anyone reading this has some BRILLIANT idea for a “ground-breaking” sex toy, save yourself some heartache and let me tell you if it sucks hard or not. I’m smart.

cascade

 


*Full-disclosure. I thought this might actually be cool for about a week before I learned more about it. Like cool enough to inquire more about it and then decide NAH.

** I can see how one could make the argument that this might be helpful for folks with mobility issues, but you still have to press a small button to get the lube out so I do not think it would not be much help.

 

T and V

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Ah finally.. the only parts of women that actually matter in one convenient place.

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I am kind of obsessed with boobs and vulvas smashed together.

It is just so WRONG. Grotesque and yet somehow sexy to enough men to make the manufacturing of them worthwhile.

Personally I think this makes just about the same amount of sense:

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You can read more about the boobvulva here. This website is full of amazing things to put your penis in. The even have scientific looking cutaway shots of the innards of their Love Dolls.

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Oh man I was almost done and then I found this awesome sleeve with MULTIPLE VULVAE on one blob!! So wrong.. so very wrong…

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Suck My Clit…

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IMG_4056Or at least try a little harder.

So I’ll be honest, I’m a fan of toys that provide a nice sucking sensation, so I am always on the lookout for toys that do that, and do it well. I was intrigued by this ill-named number, The Conquestwhich looks kinda like a hair drier and sounds like some horrible mechanical toy or something. But then again, the Womanizer is ugly, loud and has a terrible name and I love it so why not give this a whirl?

Blech. I’d be better off if I hand spent that time watching some show with vampires. I hate shows with vampires.

This boastful toy does NOT have great sucking ability and it has this little plastic thing inside that pushes against your clit. It wasn’t painful but I bet someone who is more sensitive might find that unpleasant at the least. It also did not combine the weak push-n-pull with any vibration which might have helped a lot.

I did however, enjoy filling the toy up with water and letting it get squirted out. If it was waterproof it might make a great bath toy for my kid…

Anyway it was stupid and I am getting sick of toys with dumb names and stupid shit on the box like “The Conquest conquers every women!”. You did not conquer this women you stupid fucking toy.

 

 

Baggy dick

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Just WHY???

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This item does not look like is it well at all….

 

 

Tireless Tongue, or how my day was brightened.

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Last week I was having a lousy morning. I can’t actually even remember now what was so lousy, but I do know that when I showed up at work and found this monstrosity on my desk I cheered right up.. you know much I love a bad sex toy!

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This is called the Tireless Tongue and boy is it a doozy. There is just so much wrong with the this. The packaging is so 1991. The horrible noise it makes is extremely upsetting. The color is pukey. And seriously I cannot fathom anyone enjoying this sensation*.Tongue

The smallest amount of pressure makes it grind to a halt. It is super ugly. And I hate it. Well actually, I love it but not anywhere near my body…

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*Yes yes, someone may love it and no shame in that, but the number of people who would find this pleasurable does not justify its existence.

I sat on this so you don’t have to.

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When I bought  the Ruby Glow I really was not sure if I was going to love or hate it… But guess what. I hate it.

I should have known when I saw the box proclaiming “Pleasure for the seated lady” that this wasn’t going to be what I wanted it to be. I like the concept of a vibe you can sit on. It is a cool idea for porn surfers, online erotica readers or even folks who just for whatever reason like or need to be sitting while jacking off. A toy that doesn’t require your hands is also a plus for folks with limited hand use. People have tried the sit-on vibe thing before and it kinda sucked (remember the Cone?) , but I was hopeful about this, I really was!

But Ruby, well she did not make me glow.

First off, this is supposed to be something you can use with your clothes on. So I tried it with jeans. No only did not I not feel much, but the seam on my jeans hurt. So I tried it with Yoga pants (that I wear but never go to yoga in) and still, not enough umph to make it fun through my clothes. So I ditched my pants and still, the vibrations were too weak to get me off. I even had to bring in a pinch hitter to do the job in the end.

So the vibrations are super blah. Sure there are two motors and lots of patterns, but if I can’t get where I want to with both on high, then we know we have a problem.

And then there is the design. They make a big deal about this sitting “snugly in place anchored by your pubic bone” but I did not ever get the feeling that this was in the right place and it hurt to sit on. It hurt on a soft chair and it hurt on a hard chair. Maybe it is my body shape… Perhaps a tiny person would have better luck… I dunno. I even had a guy friend sit on it for me and while there was a bit of a “oooh this feels interesting”, I never got the feeling he wanted us to leave the room so he could take that feeling further.

This is coated in silicone which is nice and it is $60 which isn’t outrageous, but it is battery operated. And while I really like the concept, it just falls sadly so short on being actually fun and not-painful to use.

But it is heavy so maybe I can use it as a door stop.

 

 

Well I guess if you have your own pool…

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Why not turn your pool noodle into a vibrator?

I can’t really make too much fun of this ’cause who knows, maybe confronted with one in the privacy of my own pool I’d go to town… buuuut from a business standpoint, this Saddle for your Noodle  just seems a little to be a little too specific to really take hold of the market for any length of time.

Then again, I thought the Heeldo would disappear in a year, and I was wrong there…

A saddle that retrofits to an aquatic, elongated noodle-type flotation device, in order to convert it into a vibrating and floating sexual assembly. The Gnarly Rider saddle which houses the waterproof vibrator or bullet, provides discreet and quiet fun in the water, offering smooth, soothing vibrations. The Gnarly Rider comes pre-packaged with a 10 speed silver bullet. The medical grade silicone orb tantalizes your clitoris as you float in a state of bliss.

The Gnarly Rider fits most common size noodles (2 3/4″ 3 1/2″ Diameter). The silicone straps are adjustable, allowing the saddle to fit most noodles. Stainless steel rivets hold the straps in place with various size settings. All combined, the Gnarly Rider experience may be summed up as aquatic, erotic perfection. The underside of the Gnarly Rider silicone saddle has been fabricated with an anti-slip finish, keeping it firmly in place on the noodle during use. The Pool Noodles are sold separately.

UPDATE 2/5/2020. Nope, I was right this time! After seeing this on sale for dirt cheap with a supplier, I went to the product’s website to find it gone. R.I.P Pool Noodle Jack Off Thingy

More crap to put in your mouth

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What the fuck is that thing? Glad you asked!

This is the Tongue Star Pleasure Tongue Vibe made by the fine folks at Hott Products, makers of many crappy sex toys and OMG I hate it!

“Strategic design and contoured shape by a leading orthodontist…this amazing pleasure tongue  vibe has an Ultra-Comfort fit  directly onto  the teeth and  causes virtually no discomfort  or vibration to  the mouth or teeth while doing so.”

LIES! And questionable grammer!

Ok maybe they got some third-rate orthodontist to weigh in on this but let me tell you the rest is lies! (and I wonder about the qualifications of that orthodontist.. I mean, if flossing too much is bad for you, how can this NOT be bad for you).

The vibration is laughable. The material is super sketchy and when you jam this doodad in your face, not only does it cause uncomfortable teeth chattering vibrations (contrary to the claims of this high-class orthodontist), but doing anything else sexy with your pie hole is pretty much out of the question.  I get it, everyone is looking for a better or easier blowjob (or lick-job), but this is just not going to cut it as I cannot for the life of me imagine this enhancing anyone’s oral skills.

And can I just add that I never, ever want “causes virtually no discomfort” to be a bar set in the sex toy industry. Sex toys should cause absolutely NO discomfort. Ever. They are made to be fun. Sex is supposed to feel good. Let’s aim higher people!

Goddamn my fucking mouth still hurts from that crap.

 

Yes, I am a feminist killjoy

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PDRD184

“The deep oral canal is lined with tiny ribs that feel great when lubed up. Face fuck her as hard as you want and for as long as you like without her choking or gagging. When you’re ready to finish, blow your load inside her mouth and watch her swallow every drop!”

Because that is what women are made for…