Today in things I do not want in my vagina..

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This penis sleeve:

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In 14 years of selling sex toys to Vagina-havers I have not had one person ask for something spikey to stick in their snatch. I just …I.. I….

Slaphappy? More like Slapsad.

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I’m so fascinated by crowdfunded sex toys that sometimes I invest in them just to see what horror they come up with. Sometimes I invest because I think something will be cool. And sometimes I am just not sure how things will turn out. Slaphappy falls into the last category, something that would maybe be cool but that I was also really skeptical of.

Turns out I was right to be skeptical. This toy promised a LOT. G-Spot! Clitoral! Spanking! and more! They managed to raise more than the $15,000 they were looking for so you know there was something appealing about this to the mass market. But this is a big fat Fail in my book and here is why:

1- I like the idea of a flat toy to fit between two folks, but this just does not have the power that many (most?) folks need. And it is buzzy power

2- Ok , so it is flexible which could be fun, but if you are looking for g-spot action you usually need some pressure and when you try to do that with this, it just unbends. And when I tired to get more ooomph from it by pressing externally with it, it bent as well, making me frustrated and worried that it might snap in half (not that it did).

3- It is flat. Have you ever stuck something FLAT in your vagina? Not so great people!  Let me guess, the person who designed this does not have a vagina….

4- The slapping part.. actually this part is pretty ok. If you like hitting people with electronics that you could maybe break because you keep hitting people with it. But sure, the hitting sensation is ok.

I’m all for innovation in sex toys, but innovation needs to go hand-in-hand with usability! And power. Always give us power.

 

 

Another Headless Lady…

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Some days I am just overwhelmed with how many headless lady fuckable toys there are out there. They even went as far as a neck here but just gave up at the head, I guess. Sigh.

 

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Also this is 27″ long so have fun stashing that under your bed…

 

Ora

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Ok, can we chat about mouth vibes for a second? You know, the kind they make for oral sex? I’ll start off by saying that I hate them. The first time I tried one, I hated it. Every other time I tried one, I hated it. And believe me, I like to give things more than once chance, esp. when they are as attractive to folks as this style of vibe appears to be. But I find these just get in the way of tasting your lover, of connecting your body to your lover and in some cases, making your lover feel good (ever get a tiny vibe hooked under the hood of your clitoris? NOT GOOD PEOPLE). They even make YOU feel un-good: tight rubber band around your tongue- Not fun. Vibrations against your teeth-  NOT fun. I could go on… but I won’t.*

Instead I’ll pose the question I have asked myself a few times this last week, “If you know you hate this whole genre of vibes, then why in the hell did you buy another oral sex vibe?!?”

Because I did. I shelled out real money for the newest one to hit the market, the Ora (which by the way is also the name of a toy by Lelo and the Sushi place across the street from the shop) byXR Brands. This one is slightly different from the others in that it does not attached to your tongue (thank dog!) but attaches to your cheek (WTF?). It is silicone (yay!) and rechargeable (no watch batteries! No cords dripping from your mouth!) and there is where the good things end.

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Because I cannot for the life of me figure out how this can be fun. I see it as a $45 marketing ploy.. get folks to buy it, who cares if it doesn’t work, they can’t return it! The vibe sits against your cheek, so if you are performing cunnilingus (box says you can!) no one but you is gonna really feel anything. Fellatio? Sure this might give a willie a buzz, but unless your head is cocked (haha) at a 90º angle, I’m pretty sure that vibration on one side of your dick is going to be rather uneventful. Plus again, as the wearer, it feels weird and electric toothbrush-y in your mouth.

So in conclusion, I hate this vibrator and think it is really stupid and the people who made it think you** are stupid enough to buy it.

The. End.

*Full disclosure, I have never tried any of these on a penis. Maybe they are great on a Penis! Who cares though I still hate them in my mouth.

** I mean not like YOU you, just people in general.

 

Another day, another stupid sex toy.

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So the “brilliant” folks at Pipedream came out with a new line of sex toys that are USB powered. Not charged like tons of awesome rechargeable vibes are, but powered, so you are stuck to your computer. Well,  maybe that is fine because you are watching porn or skypeing with your sweetie while you jack off. But this here vibrating cockring just made me laugh. I love the idea of slipping this on your cock, plugging into your computer then trying to fuck someone while being sure to not dislodge the USB cord! Or pull the computer to the floor! And gee there is a big cord between us that keeps getting pushed into my vagina or tangled in your public hair!

Technology is great and I love when sex toys use new tech WELL, but I feel like folks are starting to just use it to use it and make their products look like Apple products.

Here’s to hoping this comes with a really long cord! And that the USB power offers more power than batteries because otherwise this is 100% stupid.
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Our racist Industry

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So this is from December last year and I’m not going to name the company (they have already heard plenty from me and offered an apology-ish) but it bears sharing that in 2014 on the heels of Ferguson and such, some fucking company thought this would be a good marketing ploy… I mean, serious this is some FUCKED UP SHIT.

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SnorkelO- god nO!

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52400Dear SnorkelO,

I’m pretty sure you were meant to just be funny but I HATE YOU SO MUCH.

Oh, why you ask?…

1- You can give someone amazing head without a snorkel. Folks have been doing it FOREVER. You are allowed to breath and takes rest during sex. Its true!

2- It hurt my fingers to try and adjust the tubes to fit my head. : (

3- The crappy-ass disposable vibe it came with did not even work! And since you can’t replace the batteries you are SOL. Oh and it is packaged in a way that your friendly neighborhood sex shop cannot open it to test to be sure it works without destroying the packaging. And the disposable vibe gives you 30 minutes of pleasure, if it works. With a retail price of $10-12 that isn’t the worst offense in world but it is going to be a whole lot of plastic garbage filling up the landfill in LESS THAN AN HOUR!

4- Have you even had a vibrator buzzing under your nose? Yeah.. it is not pleasant.

5- The packing claims that this will make you a “Master” at muff diving. Um. Nope. No fucking stupid snorkel will do that.

 

XOXo,

Searah, your friendly neighborhood cranky-ass sex shop owner

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AssTastic Alexis

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Really, one of my favorite categories of screwy sex toys are lady body parts that don’t make total sense or look just silly. Today I was struck by AssTastic Alexis and her super-duper round booty. So realistic! I kinda want to use it as a bath pillow….

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UPDATE! I have to add this one to this post. It is called “Knees Up!” and it is just so weird…

 

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Ready! Set! Squirt!

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squirt_1Let me start by saying that I have no idea if this Watch that can magically make women “squirt” works or not. In fact I don’t care if it does. I just hate it so much.  Why, you may ask? Well let me tell you.

Not all people who possess a vagina are the same!  God good I get sick of having to say this over and over. The thrust and speed that may make one person “squirt” is not necessarily going to work for everyone.  The whole premise of this dohickey chaps my nads as it is replacing communication. So you are watching your watch  instead of paying attention to your lover or asking them what they like and what feels good. grrr. I can just see someone using this watch and getting more caught up in making the lights flash than caring about what their partner is feeling. We spend so watchmuch time at Early to Bed helping people and to be honest, men in particular, understand that just because one women gets off on X, that does not mean another woman will even like X. There is no one toy, technique or watch that makes all women or even MOST women get off or be happy.  And this dude with his watch and promises of amazing “squirting” with his technique just makes me want to yell and kick the big log that is our back (I call it my kicking log).

And COME ON GUY… Stop lights do not go GREEN, YELLOW, RED.. they go the other way, buddy.  “Squirt, Set, Ready”  just makes you look dumb.

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Now that I have had to say “squirt” in my head 100 times I never want to hear that word again and I am blaming Marcus London.

 

Booty Glove

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According to the box it comes in The Booty Glove is “Possibly the best sex toy in the world!”. I’d love to know what world this is and why it is so bad that THIS is the best sex toy they can think of.

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Now I am not saying it is the worst… but when it comes to ugly and weird, this is up there. A stretchy, thick glove that is meant to aid penis masturbation (or a hand job), this is not the first creepy glove to cross my desk but it has an added feature that just puts it over the top.. a tiny mouth. SO hard to photograph, but I think you can get the idea

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What is that for you ask?  “When you are ready to finish, penetrate the lips and enjoy the most realistic pop shot imagined!”

Hmm.. I don’t think they even know what a pop shot is.