Funny
Tuna Vibe!
When I think SEX I rarely think FISH! But when I saw this adorable Tuna Sushi-looking mini vibe, well I just had to have it (and I ordered an extra one to give away. See below)!
Fresh from Japan, this little buzzing fake food item combines three things I love: fake food, vibrators and sushi. Unfortunately, the vibrations are a little sad and the thought of cleaning out all those rice grains is daunting, but even if I never actually use it, I *heart* my new Sushi Vibe and plan to take her everywhere. And as soon as I can find the Tamago style you know I’m gonna snap that up too!
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WANT ONE?
I’m giving one away to a lucky person!
You can enter to win on my Facebook Page
Heady Betty, Handy Mandy and Peter Reader make me want to Yelly Helly
Silly me, I thought sex was about pleasure and sensation, maybe even intimacy and connection. And while I know it can also be about plain old F*U*N (as my aunt Ruba would say) I seamed to have missed the part where it is about COMPETITION AND “MEASURING UP”! Thank goodness I saw this crap to remind me.
These motion counters attach to either one’s head, wrist or waist and “enhance your love life” by counting your “lover’s motions, how long he or she takes/lasts, and even tracks calories burned”. ‘Cause isn’t sex better when you know how many calories you burned?
Ok fine. I’ll admit that these are intended to be some silly bachelorette party gift or gag Over The Hill Party dodad, but intentions aside, the packaging, wording and over all existence of this thing makes me really MAD. Especially the fucking fact that they make one for ladies’ heads. Ugh.
And even as a gag gift this garbage is still promoting the idea that how long your can screw/yank/suck has a direct correlation to how “good” sex is. That notion makes me insane as it drives people to do silly things like numb their dick to last longer or numb their throat to stick a dick further down.
Plus, this is NOT the “Most exciting new sex novelty available” (as their flier claims) but one of the biggest stupid wastes of plastic and natural resources I have seen in DAYS.
Really bored at work? Watch their ridiculous video here.
I hate them.
-end rant-
For your mane…
Ah dear friends, let me introduce you to this wonder the Vibrating Brush! Technically called the Discreet Sensations Vibrating Hairbrush Plus this combo styling tool/sex toy is not the worst of the worst, for sure, but since it appears to be on its way out (I found it on a discontinued list), I thought it best I immortalize here (and talk shit about it as well) before it disappears forever.
Designed to be uber-discreet, this contraption is a really heavy brush that hides the secret of a removable vibe as the handle. And if having your sex toy disguised as something else is the number one requirement for you, then maybe this is a top choice (contact me quick, I can still get you one). BUT here is where this goes wrong:
1- It weights a TON. To heavy for a hairbrush and too heavy for a vibe that size.
2- It has one lameish speed.
3- It is way over priced for a one-speed vibe (The MSRP is $50. $50!!! ). And the packaging is ugly (like 1980s ugly). At that price I want something just a little classier.
4- THE BUSH TORE MY SCALP UP (while this sat on my desk for a few days I periodically brushed my hair ’cause, well, a hair brush was sitting there but as I sit and write this my scalp still feels raw)
So to sum up: if you are looking for a $50 one-speed super-heavy vibe that looks and acts like a pokey hairbrush… then this is your baby!
But if you prefer quality and value, then maybe you’ll prefer this discreet little number.
Not too surprised to find this on a “Discontinued” list
Bad Seed Ez Bend 7x Double Shocker
“Triple stim: thumb for clit stim, fingers for vaginal insertion and pinkie goes in the stinky”
Hey ladies, don’t you love buying toys that advertise pleasure for your “stinky”?
A long post about penises
Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.
It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.
The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).
What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise), straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?
And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.
And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.
Thank you.
* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.
** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.
Whiskey Dick Lube… cocktail for your cooter
Let me just say that a little part of me feels guilty for even talking about a “novelty” product such as this when CLEARLY the makers are trying to make something silly. But as I sit here licking some Whiskey Dick whiskey flavored lube off my arm I find I just cannot think of it a “just” a novelty because people WILL use it as lube.
So overall, its fine. It tastes pretty whiskey-ish for a lube. I would not kick that flavor out of bed. And it even stays pretty slippery. But, (and this is a big BUT let me tell you)… NOWHERE on the packaging or bottle does it list ingredients! This I find inexcusable. If you make something that is (joking or not), intended to go inside someone you need to let people know what is in it! There is no way in hell I’d put this sweet, boozy tasting stuff anywhere near my snatch without an ingredient list. Nor should you.
But hell, if you are a risk taker and want some cocktail-flavored sex, don’t let me stop you. Get some now! (but if your bits start burning don’t come crying to me!)
Pinecone for your ass anyone?
File this vibrating butt plug under the category Ouch. Made of hard plastic with plenty of sharp angles and small seams, this is the perfect butt toy for anyone who likes it hurty. Or pinecone-y.
And cleaning this? Yeah. I don’t want to think about it either.
The one cool thing about this? Ergonomic gamer-friendly control box. Why the F can’t some awesome toys have that?
psst.. want something not hurty for your butt? Look here!
(Thanks to them who shall remain nameless for contributing this!)
The Biggest Vibrator on EARTH!
OMG look at how big this is! Bigger than a Mini Cooper!
Gotcha! That is just a toy Mini.
But this is a big-ass mutherfucking vibrator. Hopefully the cocktail gives you a little bit more realistic perspective (Old Fashioned made with bourbon, of course).
It clocks in at 12″ long and about 3.25″ diameter (that is a full 11″ around). It runs on EIGHT C batteries and has just one fucking speed. I’m not sure if it was made as a joke or what, but not only is it a bit unwieldy, but also really hard to store so I am a little surprised it is stil on the market (yes! I can get you one for only $80. Email me!). It makes me think of a vibrator that that prop comic might pull out during some vaguely misogynistic joke.
But all that mocking aside, it does provide a type of vibration that is unique to its MASSIVE size and I’ll cop to taking it for a spin once or twice, but it is hard to fit into the sink to clean, so mostly it watches over us as we sleep. Like a good sex fairy or something…
How Did I Miss This Gem?!?!
This is dye for your pussy. To make it pinker. As they say on their site, it is “to restore the youthful pink color back to your labia.”
Can I tell you all something? YOUR LABIA ARE GREAT JUST THE WAY THEY ARE!!
They are supposed to be that color and shape and size. No one needs pinker labia and certainly not with a product that does not even list the ingredients on its website.
If you don’t believe me about your labia, check out the gorgeous range of what pussies actually look like in the book I’ll Show You Mine. (link is NSFW… obviously)
And to the manufacture’s proclamation of “There is no other product like it,” I’d like to say thank goodness for that!
(I found this on the frisky in an article about what not to do to your “Vagina” even though I think they meant to say “vulva.”)
Come Hither
Have I ever mentioned how much I love a ridiculous body parts? Well I do and this tiny hand is no exception.
I ordered this from China when I got my floppy fuckable Hand and it is a suposed to perhaps be a g-spot stimulator seeing as how the hand gesture it is making is the universal Come Hither motion that we we teach folks to use inside the vagina to help find the G-spot*. It is a vibrator, naturally and way too fucking small to reach anyone’s G-spot. And as a vibe, it performs pretty miserably as well. The soft and tiny fingers do nothing for one’s bits.
So on my shelf it its sits, along with the rest of the Island of Misfit Stupid Body Part Toys.
*Want more info on the G-spot? Click here.
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 