Funny
I’m pretty sure whoever designed this was on drugs
Have you seen an uglier sex toy ever?
This has “TONGS” for your labia (which bend but do not really stay bent the way they should) and a hard plastic controller that you strap to your waist that looks like it is poised to put pressure just where you do not want or need it.
Add to that the lack of any real power and a design that just makes me want to barf and you have one stupid sex toy.
The only redeeming thing about this is that they :
1- Use the proper term for Labia
2- Acknowledge that some women might enjoy having their Labia stimulated.
So there IS that.
Dildo Pogo Stick
Thanks to my friend Metis at Tantus* for reminding me of this fantastic waste of material!
I saw this at a trade show years ago and the item scared me at the time (they had very aggressive trade-show sales folk and really… it looks kinda scary, right?), but I forgot about it until Metis sent me a link to the one of the few places you can still see it. (It has been discontinued so it may be impossible to find it for sale. Try not to cry.)
Once called the Jack Hammer Johnson, this now seems to be going by the name Fantasy Glide. I did some looking around and this item did get a few good reviews from users, so maybe there is something I am missing (like the desire to have an ugly cheap dildo rammed into me in a pogo-stick like manner), but overall it seems like way too much equipment for what it is.
And as I may have mentioned before (or not, I can’t remember), most of the women I talk to are not looking for a sex toy that replicates constant, hard ramming. Of course, there are exceptions to this and many women like a good hard fuck, but when it comes to solo play time, my 10 years of experience working with sex toys tells me that this is something a was invented by someone who does not have a vagina. In fact, I’d be willing to bet $5 that the person who actually came up with this idea does not have the physiology to use it.**
Also… seriously, where are you gonna store a thing like this?
*Tantus is one of the few companies that makes NO screwy toys. They only make yummy, safe silicone toys and we sell many of them in my shop and on our site.
**OF course I think male-bodied people can make great toys for female parts and female-bodied folks can invent great toys for penises, but sometimes I think you can just look at toy and know that the person who came up with design never tried it on their bits. And yes, you could use this in your ass and everyone has one of those, but the marketing and such makes this clear that it was designed for vaginal use.
Luscious Legs: Every Woman’s Fantasy
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- Luscious Legs
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- Luscious Legs
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- The Whole Vibe
Ah, this gem is from about maybe 5 or 6 years ago… old enough that the pink color of the crap-ass jelly material is faded to just barely clear. It is a soft, very flexible vibe in the shape of a skinny lady’s gams, called Foot Fetish Luscious Legs Vibrator
And like lots of the foot-oriented things out there, I wonder if the toy designer even knows what a foot fetish is. In all my long years of talking to people about sex, no one has EVER asked for a vibe that looks like tiny feet, or even feet at all. And for that matter, no woman (who this is clearly aimed at) has mentioned her love of having feet all up in her*.
But note on the package that you can choose to have a “soothing” or a “sensual” massage. So at least this is very versatile!
So besides being a pretty lame vibe power & material-wise, this clearly fails in filling any need that anyone has.
* I am sure there are some women out there who do like feet in and on their whatnots… they just don’t call me looking for tiny fake feet to shove inside themselves.This Vibe Tells You What to Do, Then Comes Real Fast
Yes, this vibrator, the My Little Secret Talking Head, talks to you. In fact the little man inside it it tells you what to do and then “orgasms” after less than four minutes whether you are ready or not.
Now, as the angry feminist dyke that I am, there is no way I want my sex toy telling me to take off my shirt or that my pussy is “so tight,” then verbally ejaculate after only 3min 45 seconds. (I understand and appreciate that there are plenty of people out there who like that kind of dirty talk and I say “Right On!” but… do you really want your vibe to tell you that?) To be sure it wasn’t just me that thinks that is a short time for solo play time, I polled folks and almost NO ONE said they use their vibe for less than five minutes, so for most users you are going to have a lot of dead air.
The pedestrian, heteronormative gravelly-voiced directions and comments about my body just don’t do it for me. By a long shot.
And then there is the fact that the packaging says this is silicone. Um. No I do NOT think this is silicone. And for the original >$100 price tag, it really should be. Shady!
Apparently when it was made, the idea was that you could order more lovers or have your own record a message for you, which might be more fun, but the company seems to have disappeared and finding one of these nowadays is hard to do. And I know there have been other recordable vibes in the past (none of which I can find being currently made) but this seems to be an idea that never really took off with people who actually use vibrators. But what do you think? Would you want a vibe like this?
China Lube
This gem is here for a few of reasons:
1- The awful orientalist packaging and name. I just checked and not only is this still in production, the packaging has not been updated at all.
2- The incredibly misleading and stupid copy on the box:
For centuries there has been a special sexual secret known as Chin Dai. This oriental ecstasy potion releases all inhibitions and turns any sexual act into a sensual…orgasmic experience. You can now enjoy this exotic love potion with our new CHINA “Anal lube” the most remarkable product of it’s [sic] kind ever developed…
The most remarkable product EVER? Really? And why is anal lube in quotes? Also propyleme glycol and hydroxypropylmathylcellulose have been around for centuries? Are you sure? How do these ingredients “releases all inhibitions”? So many unanswered questions….
These are some amazing claims for a crappy lube to make, don’t ya think?
3- This is a pretty thin lube. Not what I would recommend for backdoor action. Not that I would recommend this crap for any other place on your body.
Happy weekend!
Your tongue is where?
Why yes, that is a tongue coming out from under the vagina. What? That is not where your tongue is located?
I am sure I have mentioned this before, but my favorite kind of screwy sex toy squishes body parts together in weird ways like this – and this is a doozy! 1 On the Cock & 1 On the Balls* is designed to.. well let’s hear it from the maker’s mouth:
Every man dreams of fucking two hot broads… and now you can enjoy 1 On The Cock, 1 On The Balls too with this incredible threesome simulator! Made from super-soft Fanta Flesh, this plush pussy masturbator has a tongue located right beneath a set of pretty pink pussy lips, allowing one girl to lick your balls while you fuck the other’s wet snatch.
Classy, eh? This company will be supplying me with blog fodder for YEARS to come I am sure. They are really into terrible copy and freaky deaky toys!
So yeah, what else can I say except that I would love to know how it really feels and if it didn’t retail for $160 or I was rich I’d enlist a guy with threesome experience to test it for me. Cause really, I am just trying to imagine how that would all work in real life…
*Yes, that is the real name of this toy. And I feel like I have to disclose that unlike most things in this Museum, I do not possess this (but maybe someone will get it for me for Christmas!).
(psst.. want something that isn’t so creepy for your solo pleasure? Look here)
Knockers!
Excuse my french, but these Naughty Knockers are just some of the fucking silliest looking things I have ever seen. Designed to be suctioned onto ones nipples, I suppose the next step is to then try with all your will to look sexy. A slight amount of suction seems to be their only sensual benefit, but the horror of the styling far outweighs the fun. At least in my humble opinion. And I am sure you will be as shocked as I was that they are no longer being made.
The good news is, they do actually make fun things for your nipples that are at least little less silly looking.
Popsicle Vibe
Doesn’t this look good enough to eat? Well don’t ’cause this is all plastic and mechanics.
I admit I adore looking at this vibe reminiscent of innocent childhood, but as a sex toy, it really isn’t much to drool over.
Made of soft plastic that smells NOTHING like a fruity treat (more like a toxic spill), this vibe has little in the way of power and a shape that might be nice for some, but just a little weird for most. Yes, you could use this for clitoral stimulation which I am sure would be fine (no, this Pop has not been taken for a spin), but the wide and flattish shape would be quite unconformable if inserted in any hoo-ha or whatnot. That said, if there were prizes for Sex Toys That Look The Most Like Food… this would win.
Man, now I really want a frozen treat. For my mouth.
(The real name of this is Waterproof Vibesicle Rainbow Rocket, in case you were wondering)
Gerbil Vibe. I am not kidding
Do you remember that old rumor about the Gerbil in Richard Gere’s ass? Well, apparently California Exotic Novelties thought Gerbilling was going to catch on or something ’cause they started making this vibrator that looks like a Gerbil years ago. I remember it from when I first opened Early to Bed and have talked about it many times over the years when speaking about crazy sex toy design. Who the hell wants a Gerbil in their butt (or snatch)? Why make a toy that looks like gerbil at all? When you put it on a flexible stick like this you are just inviting it to be shoved in an ass and I just cannot get the notion of what a real Gerbil would feel… I can’t even finish that sentence. ew.
Anyway, imagine my surprise and JOY when a few weeks ago I noticed that it was STILL in production! I knew I had to get one for my collection before they disappeared forever and people started to doubt my tale of the Gerbilling sex toy.
So here it is… the Gerbil Flex Stimulator™ (note the trademark – don’t go making your own Gerbil vibe). Enjoy!
And if you want something a little less creepy to put in your butt… may I suggest you look here.
Zoe.. Your High Priced Call Girl in a Box
Zoe comes to us from Topco, maker of many nice, usable sex toys.. but this male masturbation item is in a class all by itself.
Weighing in at 2.5 pounds, Zoe is really beautifully detailed and comes complete with all kinda of stats. She is a lady of the evening, you see, so before you stick your dick in her tiny tiny pussy, you should know this floppy cyberkin sculpture speaks Dutch, English, French, Italian & German, likes Vodka tonics with lemon (please be sure she gets one) and is $350 (I assume USD) per hour.
As office art, I LOVE her. She is so relaxed, has great breasts and even a little bit of realistic fat rolls. But as a fuckable piece of plastic, I think this toy misses some marks. Is is hard enough to pick it up and hold it to photograph it, I can’t imagine keeping my grip on it while fucking it. And the “love hole” is just comically small.
But it looks like a lot of thought and design went into it, so you can’t knock that aspect. And there are others in the series so if you tire of Zoe’s taste for Japanese food or social smoking, you can always get another model.
Circa 2011
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 