Stupid

Penis Suit!

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penis_suitWell isn’t this dapper! A little suit and tie made of TPR for your wang.

The Up!® Dress It Up! ™ Cocktail Girth Enhancers™ (seriously, how many trademarks does one toy f’ing need?) are made to make it feel like you have a little more meat than god gave you. And while my lack of a penis prevents me from commenting on how these feel (as well as accessing the power and privilege in society that comes with having a penis) I can tell you my eyes are in LOVE!

I mean who does not want to look at your penis and see this? This will set a new standard people. No more casual dicks!

 

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F*ck your iPad!

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ipunani-sex-toy

Let me start by saying (before you go trying to actually purchase this) that the iPunani is not actually in production (yet). It is one of many crazy sex toys that is merely a prototype and may never actually make it into production. Nevertheless, it is screwy and I’d like to talk about it.

So yeah, you slip this case over your iPad, and then put your penis in the hole (there would be two choices of hole style… one more “discreet” than the other) while watching whatever you want on your device. They assume that it will be porn (they are probably right). Pretty simple but my main question is WHY?!?!??!

Think about it -if you are watching porn on your iPad and fucking it at the same time, I think you might get a headache form having to watch your porn moving up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down….

Also you do not have to hold onto your iPad to watch porn, so why not just use a Fleshlight or some other sleeve? That way you can still have one hand free for fast forwarding through the boring parts of porn. Or touching some other part of your body or adding more lube or drinking a martini!

The site says “Enjoy a completely new and exciting sexual experience while having sex with a masturbator and watching porn on a mobile device.” Um HELLO!! People already do that, like all the freaking time.

Can someone, anyone tell me any benefit of those two things being connected??

Why Eiffel Tower, why???

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I saw this Eiffel Tower dildo and just had to have one. Who doesn’t want a dildo shaped like the most romantic monument in the world? Um no one. Or at least I don’t think anyone is going to want this one.

Yes, it is cute. And made of silicone and a reasonable $40 but guys… it is HOLLOW! And the base is ridiculous and unstable. The base in not comfortable in one’s hand and certainly can not be used to hold any weight. Ugh, this is the kind of toy that I sow wish would be great, but instead it is a pointless piece of plastic… that admittedly may look great on your mantel.

Oh also, here is what the company says about it:

“La Tour est Folle is 100% made in France, right down to its box. It is the crazy invention of artist, Sébastien Lecca, the sensual projection of a playful and provocative vision of a universally famous icon that never fails to stir the imagination. This fun toy is harness-compatible and can hold a small bullet.”

I would REALLY like to know what harness this is compatible with please! For the love of dildo, I wish people who are not sex toy sellers or makers consult those of use who are before launching this kind of crap.

HAPPY MONDAY!

Cockpipe. When you just have to multi-task that blowjob.

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YOU GUYS!! THIS IS A PIPE YOU WEAR ON YOUR DICK SO YOUR BLOWJOBBER CAN SMOKE WHILE BLOWING YOU!

And then burn your dick off. Or maybe part of their face.

To quote my staff member Kayo … “You cannot use that with anyone who has pubes”

UPDATE 2019: Sadly this does not seem to be available anymore. No more burnt pubes for you!

 

Jump Me Jerri

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jumpmejerriWhat is UP with these crazy-ass masturbators lately?

Here you have $500 (suggested retail price) of more limbless fun. Added bonus – a shape that makes NO SENSE.

And hair the same color as her head, which is always hot.

 

Vibe Alarm!

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While it has not been the case most of my life, these days I am alarm-free, meaning my 3 year old wakes me up at 6:07am every freaking day so I do not really need an alarm. But when I saw one of my distributors was carrying a alarm clock/vibrator I knew I had to try it. I mean, who would not want to wake up gently with a nice buzz between their legs?

So in the interest of science I ordered one up and then I took a nap. And now I have feelings I need to share.

The Arrival:

Firstly I should mention that this retails for $79. Keep that in mind… I sure did.

When it got to the shop I eagerly ripped open the box to inspect/fiddle with it and the Wake-Up Vibe (yes, that is its “clever” real name) stuck me immediately as cheap. It is very lightweight, which I guess is good for a wearable alarm clock, but not what I usually look for in a quality vibe. It came packed with a blindfold (cute), a storage bag (appreciated, but my life is overrun with them) and a universal charger (great for international travel). I set the clock (easy) then the alarm (a little more tricky) and then threw it my bag to take home.

My first impressions were not glowing: The display is not a pretty as the one pictured on their photo (top). In fact Is it quite ugly (see second real life picture). I am also skeptical of the “covered in the best quality silicone” claim on the box. It feels an AWFUL lot like hard plastic/ABS to me. And did I mention how cheap it feels? Like a $12 vibe. Oh, but it did arrive charged. I like that.

The Nap:

So settling down for my short winter nap I was forced to wear underwear to use this (not my preferred sleep style) so already I was cranky. And yes, it felt like I had a weird hard load in the front of my drawers when I slipped it in. (I am very curious how a small person would find this. It felt big on me and I am big.) But I did manage to fall asleep,and an hour later was gently awoken by this thing in my pants.

It was a far from unpleasant-wake up call and I did actually linger just a little longer in bed… which seems like the opposite of the point of an alarm. Now I hate to admit it, but I require a snooze button* and this ain’t got one, so strike two (or three or whatever number I am on). Then I got thinking,  maybe the snooze button would have been a non-issue if I could have flipped this puppy on high and finished of what it started. But the vibrations are weak and there are no straight vibrations… It is all buzz buzz zip zip patterns making it a huge tease and nowhere near what this lady requires. Overall, I think the chances of me using this again are slim but who knows, it might come in handy somehow, someday.

So to conclude – Eh. full on Eh. If you want a $79 alarm clock that does not have a snooze button and forces you to wear underwear to bed, let me know. I will be thrilled to order you one.

But if you want a vibrator to enjoy pleasurable sensations and possible orgasm, stay away! I am a sex toy hawker, not an alarm salesman, and I could never recommend this as a sex toy. Ever. Ever. Ever.

*There is actually another vibe alarm called the Little Rooster that DOES have a snooze button. But ya still gotta wear unders and there is even more between your legs…

Blow Job Cock Ring

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“Ready for a blow job that can get you both off?”

Um. No, I don’t think so.

I hate to tell the person who wrote that but this “lip”-shaped cocking does not look like a blow job, but more like a cocking (or fish) throwing the dick up, not sucking on it.

Miss. Big old miss on this one.

 

Angry Rabbit = Angry Searah.

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I posted a picture of a cockring from this line before on twitter but had to make it an official entry into the museum ’cause well… I wanted to buy one. So I treated myself to a Rude Rabbit and while this is far from the worst sex toy ever it still rubs me the wrong way (which lets be honest, is not to hard to do).

First off, angry sex toys just seem wrong. Sex is fun! Brightly colored vibrating cockrings should feel happy to be there helping out! And really, assuming you are using this as intended* I think you might be implying that providing your partner pleasure is making you mad. So mad your eyes glow red (the eyes on this guy glow red when you turn it on making it seem particularly demonic)? Arrrg!!

And from a functional standpoint, the vibe is W-E-A-K and tiny. Blurg. Yes it is 100% silicone but overall I do not think it would be a very pleasurable toy and that fact alone makes me mad.

But then there are two good things about Rude Rabbit (and its friends).  This has an ingenious way to test the batteries without taking it our of the packaging! As a sex shop owner who has had to test like a bajillion vibes over the past 11 years, I adore the idea that you can just stick your finger in a test the (pre-loaded) batteries without having to wrestle with god-awful plastic packaging. So this gets one point for the potential to make my life easier.

Also, as the last picture shows, this can stand up on its own which lends itself to so many picture-taking, art-making possibilities. Now I want the whole line so I can make Angry Cockring Comics! Like having Wicked Walrus and Mad Monkey have a three-way with Angry Rabbit while not so-Happy Hippo watches. Or something like like. If only I had the time…

That is said if you ever want a cockring that doesn’t work that great, looks MAD and has mean red glowing eyes, hit me up and I can get you one.

* A cisgendered man puts it on his penis to stimulate his cisgendered female partner’s clitoris during intercourse

Heady Betty, Handy Mandy and Peter Reader make me want to Yelly Helly

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Silly me, I thought sex was about pleasure and sensation, maybe even intimacy and connection. And while I know it can also be about plain old F*U*N (as my aunt Ruba would say) I seamed to have missed the part where it is about COMPETITION AND “MEASURING UP”! Thank goodness I saw this crap to remind me.

These motion counters attach to either one’s head, wrist or waist and “enhance your love life” by counting your “lover’s motions, how long he or she takes/lasts, and even tracks calories burned”. ‘Cause isn’t sex better when you know how many calories you burned?

Ok fine. I’ll admit that these are  intended to be some silly bachelorette party gift or gag Over The Hill Party dodad, but intentions aside, the packaging, wording and over all existence of this thing makes me really MAD. Especially the fucking fact that they make one for ladies’ heads. Ugh.

And even as a gag gift this garbage is still promoting the idea that how long your can screw/yank/suck has a direct correlation to how “good” sex is. That notion makes me insane as it drives people to do silly things like numb their dick to last longer or numb their throat to stick a dick further down.

Plus, this is NOT the “Most exciting new sex novelty available” (as their flier claims) but one of the biggest stupid wastes of plastic and natural resources I have seen in DAYS.

Really bored at work? Watch their ridiculous video here.

I hate them.

-end rant-

Not too surprised to find this on a “Discontinued” list

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Bad Seed Ez Bend 7x Double Shocker

“Triple stim: thumb for clit stim, fingers for vaginal insertion and pinkie goes in the stinky”

Hey ladies, don’t you love buying toys that advertise pleasure for your “stinky”?