This is Kyle
and for just a few hundred dollars you can have sex with him and his CRAZY EYES!
He does have a legless/armless torso and a giant penis, but those eyes! I really find them disturbing.
Also I am totally not into the whole skin-hair look.
But maybe I am just being too judgy…
F’ing Football!
Hey football & lady lovers this one is for you – A football you can fuck! That is right, just like you always dreamed, you can now sink your manmeat into a pussy or ass nestled inside a replica pigskin!
I particularly love the the way the company suggests using it : “This discreet play toy enables you to pass it around at any party until you are ready to “get wild”*…then both ends screw off to reveal an anus on one side (for the more adventurous**) and a vagina on the other.”
So yes, if football gets you hard or you always dream of balls full of pussy, for a mere $35 you can now fuck your football and live out all your manly fantasies. GO BEARS!
* Um really? Is that what guys do at football parties? Toss balls around until they get horny? Who knew?!
** You do no have to be “adventurous” to stick your dick in a pretend anus.
Blow Job Cock Ring
“Ready for a blow job that can get you both off?”
Um. No, I don’t think so.
I hate to tell the person who wrote that but this “lip”-shaped cocking does not look like a blow job, but more like a cocking (or fish) throwing the dick up, not sucking on it.
Miss. Big old miss on this one.
Angry Rabbit = Angry Searah.
I posted a picture of a cockring from this line before on twitter but had to make it an official entry into the museum ’cause well… I wanted to buy one. So I treated myself to a Rude Rabbit and while this is far from the worst sex toy ever it still rubs me the wrong way (which lets be honest, is not to hard to do).
First off, angry sex toys just seem wrong. Sex is fun! Brightly colored vibrating cockrings should feel happy to be there helping out! And really, assuming you are using this as intended* I think you might be implying that providing your partner pleasure is making you mad. So mad your eyes glow red (the eyes on this guy glow red when you turn it on making it seem particularly demonic)? Arrrg!!
And from a functional standpoint, the vibe is W-E-A-K and tiny. Blurg. Yes it is 100% silicone but overall I do not think it would be a very pleasurable toy and that fact alone makes me mad.
But then there are two good things about Rude Rabbit (and its friends). This has an ingenious way to test the batteries without taking it our of the packaging! As a sex shop owner who has had to test like a bajillion vibes over the past 11 years, I adore the idea that you can just stick your finger in a test the (pre-loaded) batteries without having to wrestle with god-awful plastic packaging. So this gets one point for the potential to make my life easier.
Also, as the last picture shows, this can stand up on its own which lends itself to so many picture-taking, art-making possibilities. Now I want the whole line so I can make Angry Cockring Comics! Like having Wicked Walrus and Mad Monkey have a three-way with Angry Rabbit while not so-Happy Hippo watches. Or something like like. If only I had the time…
That is said if you ever want a cockring that doesn’t work that great, looks MAD and has mean red glowing eyes, hit me up and I can get you one.
* A cisgendered man puts it on his penis to stimulate his cisgendered female partner’s clitoris during intercourse
Tuna Vibe!
When I think SEX I rarely think FISH! But when I saw this adorable Tuna Sushi-looking mini vibe, well I just had to have it (and I ordered an extra one to give away. See below)!
Fresh from Japan, this little buzzing fake food item combines three things I love: fake food, vibrators and sushi. Unfortunately, the vibrations are a little sad and the thought of cleaning out all those rice grains is daunting, but even if I never actually use it, I *heart* my new Sushi Vibe and plan to take her everywhere. And as soon as I can find the Tamago style you know I’m gonna snap that up too!
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WANT ONE?
I’m giving one away to a lucky person!
You can enter to win on my Facebook Page
Heady Betty, Handy Mandy and Peter Reader make me want to Yelly Helly
Silly me, I thought sex was about pleasure and sensation, maybe even intimacy and connection. And while I know it can also be about plain old F*U*N (as my aunt Ruba would say) I seamed to have missed the part where it is about COMPETITION AND “MEASURING UP”! Thank goodness I saw this crap to remind me.
These motion counters attach to either one’s head, wrist or waist and “enhance your love life” by counting your “lover’s motions, how long he or she takes/lasts, and even tracks calories burned”. ‘Cause isn’t sex better when you know how many calories you burned?
Ok fine. I’ll admit that these are intended to be some silly bachelorette party gift or gag Over The Hill Party dodad, but intentions aside, the packaging, wording and over all existence of this thing makes me really MAD. Especially the fucking fact that they make one for ladies’ heads. Ugh.
And even as a gag gift this garbage is still promoting the idea that how long your can screw/yank/suck has a direct correlation to how “good” sex is. That notion makes me insane as it drives people to do silly things like numb their dick to last longer or numb their throat to stick a dick further down.
Plus, this is NOT the “Most exciting new sex novelty available” (as their flier claims) but one of the biggest stupid wastes of plastic and natural resources I have seen in DAYS.
Really bored at work? Watch their ridiculous video here.
I hate them.
-end rant-
For your mane…
Ah dear friends, let me introduce you to this wonder the Vibrating Brush! Technically called the Discreet Sensations Vibrating Hairbrush Plus this combo styling tool/sex toy is not the worst of the worst, for sure, but since it appears to be on its way out (I found it on a discontinued list), I thought it best I immortalize here (and talk shit about it as well) before it disappears forever.
Designed to be uber-discreet, this contraption is a really heavy brush that hides the secret of a removable vibe as the handle. And if having your sex toy disguised as something else is the number one requirement for you, then maybe this is a top choice (contact me quick, I can still get you one). BUT here is where this goes wrong:
1- It weights a TON. To heavy for a hairbrush and too heavy for a vibe that size.
2- It has one lameish speed.
3- It is way over priced for a one-speed vibe (The MSRP is $50. $50!!! ). And the packaging is ugly (like 1980s ugly). At that price I want something just a little classier.
4- THE BUSH TORE MY SCALP UP (while this sat on my desk for a few days I periodically brushed my hair ’cause, well, a hair brush was sitting there but as I sit and write this my scalp still feels raw)
So to sum up: if you are looking for a $50 one-speed super-heavy vibe that looks and acts like a pokey hairbrush… then this is your baby!
But if you prefer quality and value, then maybe you’ll prefer this discreet little number.
Not too surprised to find this on a “Discontinued” list
Bad Seed Ez Bend 7x Double Shocker
“Triple stim: thumb for clit stim, fingers for vaginal insertion and pinkie goes in the stinky”
Hey ladies, don’t you love buying toys that advertise pleasure for your “stinky”?
A long post about penises
Full disclosure: I do not have a penis. I have my share of dicks, dongs & dildos, but I have never been the barer of a biological penis, so I don’t know that I fully appreciate the relationship that our culture and many folks have with their cock. But since the day I opened Early to Bed we have been getting inquiries as to whether we carry Penis Extenders and our answer every single time had been something to the effect of “No, we have never seen one that we feel meets our quality standards”. Then few years ago Vixen Creations started making a silicone item called Ride On that allows someone to put their penis inside and penetrate their partner without an erection (it can also be used by folks who deem their dick “too small” as long as they are indeed on the smaller side) so we get to say “Yes” more often, but after years of selling only that one (which is awesome but pretty pricey) I decided it was time to revisit the Penis Extender situation and maybe find 1-2 less expensive, usable, safe alternatives.
It is true that I’m something of an optimist (when it comes to sex toys) so I ordered a few options to look at last week but was sadly horrified with what I ended up with and I can now confidently say there has been just about zero progress on this front, despite all the innovation this industry has seen over the past few years.
The killer was this monstrosity called The Perfect Extension* that is meant for someone who either cannot maintain an erection or wants a bigger penis to wear over his goddess-given junk in order to have penetrative sex with someone else (yes sure, someone without a penis could wear this, but I do not see why they’d want to).
What arrived was a about 9″ of hard plastic. Unbending, rigid plastics covered in a fleshy semi-squishy coating that had about 1.5″ of flexible tip. Ok. Maybe not so bad. But lets talk about how it is meant to be used. A gentleman puts his penis inside (soft or otherwise), straps this on with the included straps and penetrates his partner. He feels nothing (or close to nothing) on his bits and she has a freakishly hard wide probe inside her (or him, but lets lets be honest, this is made and marketed for the hetero crowd). Maybe the receiver likes this shaft. ok. But I cannot, in my wildest imagination imagine that the wearer can be anything but slightly to really uncomfortable with this on (and remember, I have no penis so maybe I am way off on this. Let me know if I am wrong). The part of this that is up against the wearer’s body is also rigid plastic with a sharp edge and there is no way I’d want that snug up against my body. Not to mention that this item comes with no directions on how to attach the straps and they seem quite rough as well. There is also a sharp edge that will be pushing into his balls (from what I can tell). ouch, right?
And this is what drives me nuts. Our culture is so focused on a man’s sexuality being his ability to penetrate his partner (and from what I can tell, he is also suposed to do it for a long time) that if that is hard or not possible, we make (with one exception) these uncomfortable poor-quality toys that allow “traditional” penetration possible … but at what cost? And why does no one else make a more comfortable version that is of a safe material and very usable. The are a bazillon different vibes (for which I am grateful) but so few of this item which seems to be in such great demand. I mean really pretty much EVERY DAY someone asks for something like this.
And more so, can’t we work towards a society where sex can be so much more than P in V (or A) so that men who are unable to “perform” don’t feel inadequate; where sensation and intimacy can be had even if good old-fashioned deep dicking is off the table?; Where we focus on the whole body sexual experience and not just the goal of thrusting something into our partner for a certain amount of time? Or at the very least, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE MAKE A DEVICE LIKE THIS THAT IS UNDER $50 & DOES NOT SUCK because I know I can’t convince every man with erectile issues that non penis-penetrative sex is just as good, fun and valuable, so at the very least I’d like to be able to offer guys some alternative* that isn’t so fucking stupid.
Thank you.
* Just by using PERFECT in the name of this item they have already pissed me off. I will go tro my gave climnging to the idea that there is no “perfect” sex toy.
** We do sell dildos and harnesses to many men who have this issue and we think that this is a great alternative to a hollow device. Plus your bits are still available for fondling! But for a lot of guys we serve (no not that way) a strap-on takes a bigger leap of faith.
Whiskey Dick Lube… cocktail for your cooter
Let me just say that a little part of me feels guilty for even talking about a “novelty” product such as this when CLEARLY the makers are trying to make something silly. But as I sit here licking some Whiskey Dick whiskey flavored lube off my arm I find I just cannot think of it a “just” a novelty because people WILL use it as lube.
So overall, its fine. It tastes pretty whiskey-ish for a lube. I would not kick that flavor out of bed. And it even stays pretty slippery. But, (and this is a big BUT let me tell you)… NOWHERE on the packaging or bottle does it list ingredients! This I find inexcusable. If you make something that is (joking or not), intended to go inside someone you need to let people know what is in it! There is no way in hell I’d put this sweet, boozy tasting stuff anywhere near my snatch without an ingredient list. Nor should you.
But hell, if you are a risk taker and want some cocktail-flavored sex, don’t let me stop you. Get some now! (but if your bits start burning don’t come crying to me!)
Searah's Museum of Screwy Sex Toys 
